Rejection complex.

[yeahno.]

Sigh, made this account just to post this shitty stuff. Because where else really. I know it's kind of long, but I'm trying to formulate some sort of story, read if you feel like it.

Anyways, backround:

Bullied by mom and stepfather, real father alcoholic, bullied and painfully rejected by peers as a pre-teen(average to mild bullying),

Grow out of bullying and so starts the struggle to "fix" myself from social anxiety and some sort of need for acceptance, which is ongoing until now at 20 years old.

So when I was recently out of the bullying and in a new school, a new chance. Long story short I was into a new savannah and girls were noticing me,

The bullying and rejection had taken all trust from me and given me no willingness to connect, so I'm really anti-social and people are generally very scared of me. This is now at 15. But for random girls I'd meet at parties or who don't know me that well, they'd seem interested in me and sometimes add me on facebook or something like that.

But here is where the monsters of insecurity were sparked anew, I was in no way fixed and had a HUGE need to be accepted by these women and most importantly, HUGE desperation to fuck or date in general, or be a popular cool guy. I had a pathetic need for validation.

Expectedly this resulted in the several girls that I had a thing with all rejecting me in the end, this happens maybe 4 times during my college years, eiter they reject me or I stop talking to them in fear of rejection. It was this almost creepy desperation and I am now sure that they could tell that all I wanted was validation from them, and that I was an emotional wreck.

This happened until 17/18ish.

That was the end of it, I was NEVER going to get rejected again, so now if I had even the slightest, SLIGHTEST fear of rejection, or if she was not a GODESS in my eyes I just said no, not going to even think about it. I suspect that I even somewhat enjoyed rejecting women that I baited into showing interest in me.

Now I am 20 and over that phase, and generally just ignore the sexual aspect of women to the fullest extent.

I am in university, and this again, people aren't fully "yeah it's that guy, he is scary and always angry" yet, but that's because I generally just keep my anger for society for myself.

I was always a nice person and try to use that aspect now, so now I am just friendly when I am forced to socialize and people generally seem to not hate me when I end up talking to them.

But usually it's some sort of shitty thing where I just ignore people fully, and yeah that girl who keeps looking at me in class, and made smalltalk, that stuff makes me feel IMMENSELY pressured, and I just generally feel like shit and scared of her rejecting me.

I CAN'T date women because I cannot allow any of them to reject me, it's so pathetic that I am ashamed. I have completely stopped trying to hope for actually becoming normal anymore, the few times I did date I literally forced myself and everything was fake.

It's not just women, it's almost everybody, everybody is so afraid of me and I don't know what to do, i cant fake a happy face all the time and I am afraid of socializing so I stay quiet.

I have also become a major asshole and insensitive, I used to be a super nice person who would be kind to everybody and people complimented me for it, but after being taken advantage of every time I ended up being a somewhat worse person. And when people actually are nice and when I see the TRUE nature of things, how I just need to open up and that everybody isn't out there to get you, I almost cry. It's like there are barriers between me and everybody else, full of deceptions.

So in short, I can't talk or let people "know" me because I'm afraid they will reject me when they get to know what a super insecure and longing for acceptance pathetic guy I am.

This is why I act, because if no one knows me I can act like that cool guy they just see and think, "hmm, he looks cool". instead of "welp, better stay the fuck away from this pathetic fucking insecure former bully victim, he is absolutely sad"

[retsuud]

He, I think I know a bit about how you feel. I'm also a very insecure guy and in the past couple of years I put a real big 'wall' around me. Truth is, it's going to make you very lonely at a certain point.

Maybe you should talk to someone about your problems, someone not so near to you.

[mts]

-

[m.allen]

Sorry to hear you're going through this man. I would recommend a book I'm reading called 'You Are Not Your Brain', which basically talks about how you can get caught up in thinking errors and how to get out of them.

From an outside perspective a few things come to mind when I read what you wrote here:

1 - you are being overly hard on yourself

2 - you're projecting your own thoughts and fears into what you think other people are thinking about you

3 - this fear of rejection has snowballed into something that is wrecking havoc on your life when it shouldn't be

I hope you can see the truth in this and on some level I think you do, as you mentioned you do sometimes. It's easy for me to sit here and say 'so what if you get rejected, you just try again'. But obviously this has become something more than that. In my opinion, I think you should work on loving yourself. Not in a conceited cocky way, but in a appreciative and confident way. Love your great qualities and work on nurturing more of them.

I imagine even Leonardo DiCaprio has been rejected at some point in his life. You will be rejected too, it will happen. But you won't be rejected sometimes also. That's just life. It takes years to check your ego, I know mine was massive when I was in my early 20's, but ultimately it's good for you to realize that you're not the greatest ever and you don't have to be. You are you and I think you should embrace that and work on being the 'true you' that you really want to be. Sometimes that means facing your fears, in this case, rejection. I think the more you get rejected (and not-rejected) the more you will come to see that it is not a life-ending event. It won't be easy, but I believe you can do this if you put in the effort to change. Just put yourself out there man. You are going to die one day, you've got nothing to lose.

I hope this helped and I hope you can work through this.

All the best to you!