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no joy


nathan
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I'm not sleeping at night leaving me tired in the day. I crunch numbers all day, and never talk to anyone. I never smile, as I am never happy. the world depresses me, the phoney politics, and general lack of care and understanding about anything other then money and kim kardasian. The continuous spawning of ppl who go to work in banks and insurance. The continuous miss-information fed to the masses. the Rmy whom I still am part of. My lack of real friends, other than my gf, whose the only one keeping me partially alive right now. All these things and many more depress me, no matter how I go about changing my perspective.

So I am depressed by something, by my own thought maybe, but maybe its just the fact that we live in a shitty depressing world, As much as I may try to differentiate myself from my thots,..the depressive push of society remains, whether I think about it or not.

I wish I lived before the revolution of agriculture and collection of things, A time when money was no use, and people lived for their own sake.

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Abraham Lincoln said when you look for the bad in people you will surely find it. I'm sorry you are feeling down, nathan. Depression can really dig a groove in our brains that has us looking for the bad in things.

What kinds of things do you admire? There's a sixty's saying that goes: be the change you want to see in the world. Maybe finding some small thing you can do with your own spark to make the world a better place will make you feel better.

Abe Lincoln has a lot of great quotes if you want to read more http://www.goodreads.com/author/quotes/229.Abraham_Lincoln

Hope something in today is better for you!

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You are not alone in this, I feel like you many times, and seems like people just care about shallow things.

I know the hardest thing about seeing the world in this way is that mostly will not agree with you and will be mean to you if you comment that you find the world shallow.

But there are people who share your thoughts, maybe not all of them, nobody is a clone of each other, but I really know how you feel, money is evil most of times, and makes us sad more than happy, but we can ignore these things and just see the good.

Also Lincoln's quote is partially right.

Here in my country, football (soccer) makes people so insane, that a soccer player worth more than a citzen life and this feels so wrong. So don't feel like you want to die, your life worth more than this, much more.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Havn’t slept much for days, today’s another one of those days, its 4 am and I’m supposed to get up to do numbers in three hours. I thought I might be able to sleep tonight because I was so exhausted, but my gf called in a crises and I talked to her for half an hour to calm her. But in that half hour my window for falling asleep closed, and my unadvantaged mind decided it should keep me up again for no good reason other than to play useless broken thoughts over and over in useless vortexes so that I am entirely confused and frustrated with the very thought of being conscious of the thoughts going through my mind.

Now, after 4 hours of useless vortex thoughts, I realized for the second time that I am not asleep and my dysfunctional brain is stopping me from sleeping. But this time I am not going to lie there and attempt to ‘turn it off’ because that obviously does not work. I should have been getting work done instead of lying in bed trying to sleep. It is absolutely pointless for me to try to sleep. It can’t be done.

I try to sleep out of fear of being exhausted the next day, I say to myself, ‘if you get to sleep by 12 you could get a whole 7 hours of sleep’, but then I go to bed around 11, leaving me a good hour to fall asleep. But I don’t fall asleep, I start thinking about all the work I have to do. I start thinking about the work, but the work twists and turns in my mind, becoming something intertwined with frustration and concepts that lack any understanding, they become this whole world of thoughts that add up to nothing In the real world, they are completely useless thoughts. Why do I have the thoughts? I wonder in frustration.

When I do finally get to sleep, I often wake up within 1-2 hours, often waking from an uncomfortable dream--- and cannot get back to sleep. This is perhaps, most frustrating, as I cannot grasp why my mind would do this to itself. It is afterall, alive and needs to rest...

This is of course, is interfering with my daily performance, I do not think aswell, I do not feel so well, I do not look so well, I do not learn so well, I do not communicate so well, basically all my abilities become retarded by an exhausted mind- A mind that exhausted itself for what appears to be, just for the sake of exhausting itself.

My mind wants me to struggle. It wants to make me to suffer, life could be a lot easier if my mind didn’t have this goal in mind. I can feel my exhausted mind struggling throughout the day, it struggles on problems that would pose little problems at all if it had gotten a half decent sleep, even a half decent amount sleep within the last 2 days, like if I got 10 hours of sleep within the last 48 hours, it would be fine. But as the weeks drag on, of little to no sleep every, single, long, exhausting, night, my mind has bogged itself down to an extent that it has no choice but to work on a much lower frequency than it otherwise could be.

Of course there are some problems in the world of numbers that I am currently struggling to grasp, and this is playing on my mind. My mind is stressed by exterior pressures other than itself. But the reaction of my mind is defective, as it apparently tries to resolve these problems at a time when it should be resting. Because of this, I do not sleep, and because I do not sleep, I find it more difficult to solve these problems during the day, and because I don’t solve the problems during the day, my mind continues to attempt to solve the problems at night—but without my consent!!!

And it appears my mind is more powerful than my..well than my, whatever it is that is me… which perhaps is nothing, in fact it would make sense that I am nothing, because apparently I am talking to wall, when I tell my mind to shut the hell up and go to sleep—as if I am a ghost.

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No sleep sucks, Nathan, I hear you. I'm sorry you have not been sleeping well. :( I am having the same struggle and it is wearing me down. I know exactly what you mean by window of falling asleep. I have a small window in the evening when I feel drowsy and if I don't lay down right then and there, I won't sleep or if I do it will be fitful, non-restorative sleep all night long. I also have a tendency to wake up after only 1-2 hours of sleep and not be able to get back to sleep. Frustrating for sure.

My doctor prescribed me Trazadone, which I have been too fearful to take as of yet. Maybe a medication like this could help us, though? Have you seen a doctor? No sleep can have an awful effect on your mind and body.

I'm sorry I'm not much help here, I haven't found anything that helps me yet, but I can relate to a lot of what you've written.

I wish you a night of long and peaceful rest.

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  • 3 weeks later...

I'm sorry you're feeling hopeless, Nathan. :( No sleep can really fog your brain and leave you feeling very lost and hopeless. I was coming to that point as well just a few weeks ago. I slept maybe 1-3 hours a night for weeks and weeks and was about to collapse from exhaustion. I finally relented and started taking medication, which is helping. I don't think I could have gone on as I was without some kind of intervention. Meditation can be helpful. Is this allowing you to breathe? Have you seen your doctor, Nathan? Maybe he/she might have some suggestions. Thinking of you.

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Hi, I have also sleeping´s problems. I try meditation with a little candle in my sleep table. I try to see the flame and to stop thinking during 15 minutes and then I go to bed. I don´t eat or drink anything two hours before to go to bed.

In time, I don´t sleep the 8 hours but I sleep better than in the past.

About the people and the world, you are not alone. I think too there is a lot of negative, but I try to see the good things or i will get crazy. I stop watching TV programs or the TV news because, in my country (Spain), there are only bad news, tragedies and sport and it´s a waste of time.

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another sleepless night

I will try to get sleeping pills from my doc

My gf of almost 2 years is breaking up with me, she wants more 'experience' with other guys. Fuck my life, great fucking timing. this is really to play havoc on whatever sleep I was getting. Like I want to imagine her sleeping with other men...

the thought is so intrusive I wont say anymore about it

truely I am too tired and hating the world to do anything about it anyway

I will soon be quiting my job

Simply tell them I am done

And I will finish up with my business in this city

and go somewhere to be alone for a long time

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Nathan, I have always regretted it when I have made decisions out of emotion. Probably a million other guys had girlfriends dump them this week, they didn't all quit their jobs & become hermits. Give yourself a break is what I am trying to say.

If your company offers disability i would take advantage of that, you will need a doctor to back you up on the depression & sleep deprivation.

Good luck

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Im trying to relax, my head last night was full of panic, was awake for the last ttwo nights in a row I drank hard, totally sloshed all night, and during the day I continued, for two days, but last night I stopped, i slept for 7 hours for this first time in awhile.

Feeling better now

I suppose i wont become a hermit, they're not going to like it, but Im leaving my job for good. And I have some things to finish here, then I will leave on to something new, somewhere else.. I suppose I will start all over.

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