Confidence / Self Confidence

[Victimorthecrime]

Sometimes when I am at a thought-dead end I just have to try something, anything, just to get the juices going and reset the brain and move forward. But do what works for you and I hope things turn around in 2016.

[Resolute]

thanks man.

[Resolute]

Sometimes when I am at a thought-dead end I just have to try something, anything, just to get the juices going and reset the brain and move forward.

you know victim, it just seems like i've exhausted every possible option. so unless something out of the ordinary happens, i'm quite screwed.

[Victimorthecrime]

It can happen in life. I had a good friend die of cancer in 2014 and believe me he was screwed.

I don't know much of the specifics of what you are facing but all any of us can do is our best and hope for a lucky break sometimes.

[Resolute]

hey even an unlucky break is better than nothing at this point.

and sorry about your friend.

[Resolute]

damn this blasted misfortune!

[TooOld4This]

Wishing better things for you, igiveup and Resolute

[Resolute]

thanks for this, 4this.

[mts]

Wishing you well also

[Small]

Late...again.

[TooOld4This]

My problem was: i couldn't fake it.

I'm at the age (58) where i see my life a lot more clearly.
I finally have enough experience and wisdom to understand what went wrong in my life.
I won't repeat my descriptions of school bullying and sexual rejection here: 
i already talked about all that in other threads.

This thread is about one specific piece of bad advice:
"Be yourself."

How many therapists told me that in my life?
How many times did i read that in some magazine, or self-help website?

Here's the thing: "finding yourself" or "being yourself" is NOT the key to happiness for everyone.  
Sure, it's the key for people with advantages; when they are themselves they cruise through life, favored by society, successful in their careers, sexually fulfilled according to whatever their orientation is, secure in the adequacy of who and what they are.  Happy.  Maybe not happy all the time; certainly not without misfortunes; but fundamentally happy, because they know that the real "me" inside of them has always been good enough in most situations.  It makes sense for those people to "find myself" and "be myself."

Me, i found myself by the age of 18, and myself wasn't enough.
No, this wasn't just some delusion i'd picked up from doing meth or something.
Even now at my age (in fact, more so now), i realize that i wasn't enough.
I was kind, smart, hardworking, and compassionate, sure.  But that's not enough.

I needed to fake it better, to cover my inadequacies better.
I needed to fool people into thinking i had power, so they would have confidence in me.
I needed to fool prospective employers, prospective dates, prospective friends.
But i was never good at that.  I was always genuine, and honest about my imperfections.

I wish i'd been able to fake it.  This is a big regret i have.
Successful people fake all kinds of things:
-- they fake intelligence, when they're really uneducated and shallow;
-- they fake friendship, when they're only using the other person;
-- they fake interest in their date, when really they only love themselves;
-- they fake energy and leadership, even though they're lazy.

I wish i'd had people in my life who had taught me how to fake it.
"You're saying too much about your imperfections; cover them up by saying ___________."
"You're caring about the opposite sex too much; stop the sensitive talk."
"Stand like this, make eye contact like this, use these words;
it'll make people think you're a big-shot of some kind."

I'm trying to learn how to fake it now.
It's a very hard thing to learn by yourself;
kind of like trying to teach yourself how to read.

[Victimorthecrime]

I feel ya.  

Everyone wants honesty until they hear something they don't like. 

I wish I had thought for myself more and ignored some of the idiotic advise I was given.  

You are right: "fake until you make it" is a very common attitude.  

[Victimorthecrime]

Confidence is everything, it really is.  No matter what it is you want to do - get a job, a relationship, address a group of people, travel - confidence is a major factor.  It's the thing that alludes me; I am plagued by doubt.  

[Victimorthecrime]

Does confidence arise from success or is success born of confidence?  

[jazz]

2 hours ago, Victimorthecrime said:

Does confidence arise from success or is success born of confidence?  

I think it's both, Vic. Some people do seem naturally confident, though - unless they are just good actors. I am certain that good public speakers spend ages practising too. Lately, if I'm nervous about something I just imagine it going well and it does help a bit. Some areas I feel confident in and some I don't - there have been times when I have said no to opportunities through lack of confidence. Though, thinking about it, maybe if I had taken one of them I'd have got run over by a bus on my way there, who knows?? Where there's life, there's hope

[Victimorthecrime]

So maybe it's a "one hand washes the other" or "cycle of virtue" kind of a thing that works like this: I feel confident enough to act, the action succeeds, now I feel even more confident so I take further action and on it goes.  

Sounds simple enough but putting it into practice is tricky because self doubt can always rear its ugly head.  I can always question or devalue my success w thoughts like "I got lucky" "I had help" "anyone could have done it" "what if I can't do it again?" "I should have done much more" etc...

Maybe self confidence is predicated on self esteem? 

[jazz]

34 minutes ago, Victimorthecrime said:

I can always question or devalue my success w thoughts like "I got lucky" "I had help" "anyone could have done it" "what if I can't do it again?" "I should have done much more" etc...

Maybe self confidence is predicated on self esteem? 

Yes, it's as IrmaJean would (probably) say, the 'inner critic' is a bit full on. So useful to try and replace it with the warmth of self-love, not easy though.

I guess someone could appear self confident, but not have good self esteem - so I don't know. The question is what is true confidence?

[IrmaJean]

1 hour ago, Victimorthecrime said:

So maybe it's a "one hand washes the other" or "cycle of virtue" kind of a thing that works like this: I feel confident enough to act, the action succeeds, now I feel even more confident so I take further action and on it goes.  

Sounds simple enough but putting it into practice is tricky because self doubt can always rear its ugly head.  I can always question or devalue my success w thoughts like "I got lucky" "I had help" "anyone could have done it" "what if I can't do it again?" "I should have done much more" etc...

Maybe self confidence is predicated on self esteem? 

I agree with Jazz. I also think that it's both. There's a word for how things relate and interact and affect one another, but I can't think of it right now. Bummer. Ever read about self- efficacy?

Self talk can be informative, I think. I have an inner voice something like this too at times, that seems to try to keep me in check, possibly to try to protect me from being hurt from the potential outcomes? I don't know how things might work for you.

With confidence, I think it can be like the new growth of leaves on a tree in the springtime. The leaves are very tender at first but they get stronger with time. One step forward, 1/2 step back...on bad days even a full step back again, but easier to take more steps forward with new experiences. My confidence is still fragile. It's not difficult to fall back into the pit after a mistake, but I see progress too and I try to recogonize that. Can you recognize improvements you have made? I hope so.

[IrmaJean]

2 hours ago, jazz said:

Yes, it's as IrmaJean would (probably) say, the 'inner critic' is a bit full on. So useful to try and replace it with the warmth of self-love, not easy though.

 

Parts therapy might suggest we listen to our inner critic's needs, perhaps even try to understand it better and offer that aspect of ourselves compassion too. I think having awareness of it (witness and observe without judgment) rather than being immersed in it (and thus allowing it to become destructive) can be helpful too. It's challenging work and much easier said than done.

[Victimorthecrime]

2 hours ago, jazz said:

The question is what is true confidence?

Could self confidence really just be self acceptance?  

I read a article once profiling a guy that was a self made millionaire from founding & selling companies. He was plagued by imposter syndrome, dreading the day he was found out to be a bumbling fool.  Everything he did was motivated by this fear.  

[Klingsor]

.

[IrmaJean]

I hope you're okay, Pax.

Acceptance of self, feeling capable of managing and coping with many different potential outcomes, feeling safe and okay in one's own skin and out in the world... I can again see the potential connection to attachment. A securely attached individual can stay with oneself even while the waters are choppy. 

I found this article about self-efficacy, if anyone is interested. The author writes some about the effects in education, but I think there is good information here.

http://www.education.com/reference/article/self-efficacy-theory/

[Victimorthecrime]

I missed your post Pax. Hope all is well.  I am going through a shitty time myself.  Let's all do our best & hope for the best.  

[Klingsor]

It was just a bunch of nonsense, Victim. I have a problem with prescription medication. I should lock my phone and laptop up when I take any. I'm an addict in all but name only...I have a massive stockpile of pain killers/sleeping medication/anxiety meds that I've collected over the years. I often wonder if I should should just kill myself through unbridled sex, drugs, and alcohol...I seem to walk that tightrope anyway. I'm considering hiring a prostitute depending on how much money I can collect for Christmas gifts. I'm not sure how to go about it though, never done anything like that before.

[Victimorthecrime]

Yeah I would love to hire a sex worker but the fear of HPV stops me.  Plus the expense and the way my luck is I'll end up chatting w Chris Hansen.