POCD? Terrified out of my mind.

[olliee]

Hi, I am a twenty two year old female and about a year ago, I remembered something horrific that happened in my childhood. I started having these fears of being attracted to children (keep in mind I have NEVER been attracted to them) I fell into a depression and made an appointment with a therapist who specializes in OCD and CBT. I visited him a few times but never brought up the real reason I was there because I am terrified he would write me off as a pedophile and bad things would happen to me. I have struggled with this inside for so long and I feel so hopeless. I spend my whole day worrying and reassuring but that gets me nowhere. I also work as a care giver to the elderly and now I am terrified about being around them! I can't keep living like this. I have NEVER been attracted to anyone but men my age. I am in a committed relationship with the man of my dreams and this is destroying me. I am so scared that I will accidentally let these awful things slip and he will think of me as a monster. I try so hard to avoid children and I am so scared of work now because I would never hurt anyone and I can't seem to reassure myself enough. I am constantly "checking" and even that brings on great stress and doubt. I read that people don't just change their sexuality overnight but that only eases my mind for a minute or so. I am horrified that I can think these things about myself and live every day in this disgusting fear. I just want all of this to go away. It's a constant battle and it makes me sick. I'm sorry to just ramble, I just feel so awful and sick.

[infrared_radiation]

You're just paranoid. That's all that's wrong with you. We all have disturbing thoughts from time to time. The best thing to do is just to put it out of your mind, ignore it, and think about something else.

You're not attracted to children, so why worry about it? Why would you have fears of being attracted to them when you know you are not and never would be? It's not logical to worry about it. It's a total non-issue and you're just getting all worked up over nothing.

[malign]

"Paranoia" is a very specific thing, and it's not the thing that 'olliee' is experiencing. Intrusive and continuous fears about oneself that are unjustified are more like OCD than paranoia. I wouldn't be as dismissive as 'infrared', though I too would want to reassure you, olliee, that your fears are at least misplaced. That of course won't change you having them, but hopefully it helps you get through them.

There's a reason that the very first thing you told us was about the childhood memory, whatever it was (and I'm not trying to draw it out of you, necessarily.) Were you able to share the memory with your therapist, though, and if so, what was the response?

[olliee]

I have not shared it with him yet. I have come up with a million ways to and ways to just say what is going on to him, but I have not been able to yet. I am scared of what he will say. I know he's a therapist and I should share iy with him, I'm just scared. And I haven't seen him in a while due to the loss of my health insurance, but I just bought my own plan to specifically see him. This is just killing me now. My thing is I don't understand how one day I woke up in my normal state of mind and I went to bed that night with this nightmare thay I've been living in for the past few months now.

[IrmaJean]

Hi olliee. Welcome. I'm sorry you have been feeling so much distress.

I don't know if it fits for you or not, but sometimes when I get fixated and obsessive about something, it's actually a way that my mind diverts me from the actual source of my pain. Could this pattern of thoughts and worry possibly be around the horrific childhood memory you mentioned? Have you struggled with intrusive thoughts before?

Maybe you might start out by expressing to your therapist that you want to share something with him, but you feel frightened to do so? Possibly he could reassure you enough so you feel safe to discuss this with him.

I hope you feel better soon, olliee. Take care.

[olliee]

This is the first time I've ever experienced this. I actually don't get too into an intrusive thought anymore. I usually stop those before they get too bad.The thing that I can't seem to get through now is the checking and constant reassuring. That's what bothers me every day.

[Resolute]

This is the first time I've ever experienced this. I actually don't get too into an intrusive thought anymore. I usually stop those before they get too bad.The thing that I can't seem to get through now is the checking and constant reassuring. That's what bothers me every day.

i'm gonna chime in here and ask,checking and reassuring what exactly? checking to make sure you haven't accidentally "done" something to/with a child?

and at the risk of being politically incorrect,i'm gonna say this,if you were a man,maybe that's something to worry about,just maybe though. but since you're a woman,how much damage can you really do,even if you were hypothetically a little attracted to kids?

i know it's not as simple as that,but i'm just trying to give you some perspective.

take care olliee.

[olliee]

What I mean by checking and reassuring is like a mental image of a child and checking to see how I respond. Most of the time I panic and think to myself how could I ever hurt a child? If I see a kid in public, I think the same thing. Inside I am terrified and I get panicky and want to run away. Everyday all day long, I do this because even though I know, my brain finds a way for me to doubt myself and over think the situation. I have no want or need to do anything inappropriate but I always think, "what if I did that?" Or "could I be someone who would harm people who can't fend for themselves?" That really bothers me because I have never had these kinds of thoughts or anything.

[Resolute]

well,if it helps (or for what it's worth),you seem like a swell kid.

[IrmaJean]

Is anything else happening in your life right now that could be bringing out a stressful response?

Maybe mightfulness practices might be helpful? Sometimes it can help me during anxious moments to slow things down and be present in the now moments. Have you tried walking outside and sitting in nature? Deep breathing or meditation? Taking a simple breath and being fully aware of oneself in the moment can be surprisingly helpful to me sometimes.

[mts]

One option might be to send an anonymous email to your doctor telling him everything you've said here and see what he says, or when speaking to him you could replace attraction to children with something else less difficult to say, to ease yourself into it and guage how he views the matter in general.

I don't understand ocd or instrusive thoughts/checking but it sounds very stressful - for me at least the best thing to do for stressful things is move forward, make positive steps, accept help, and not dwell too much trying to think my way through it because that often makes me just think myself deeper into a maze of more questions and problems.

Just my opinions good luck

[olliee]

Thank you all for the thoughts and I have been trying to keep all of this out of my mind, it is just very difficult. I am going to make an appointment and just tell him what's going on. I'm to the point now where it is controlling my life and I want it gone.