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Cant get over my last therapist


Sirenbliss
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Hi

I've been in a lot of pain trying to get over a therapist while facing the daunting task of finding a new one. My first therapist lasted 1 yr 5 months' he terminated because he left the state to take a job close to ailing family. He reffered me to his colleague a therapist in the same office. I got attached to this new therapist pretty quickly as he was helping me grieve my former therapist own loss as well of losing a close colleague. Unfortunately the new therapist wasnt very open to any communications between sessions. Emails were never answered other than to acknowlege they were read and that he would look forward to discussing the issues in session. Phone calls in between session weer not allowed either unless it was a life or death emergency i.e. I want to end my life or something terrible like that. So therefore I felt he was lazy and not invested in therapy with me. Regardless I was clinging an attached. During this time I also feared abandonment. I had become very attached to my former therapist and feared the new one would leave. He kept saying he wouldnt. That if anyone was going to leave it would be me. He PROMISED in email replies when I expressed this abandonment fear that HE WAS TO BE A STABLE INFLUENCE in my life. Well, last month he hit me with the horrible news that he just couldnt be my therapist anymore. He was leaving his practice to pursue his promotion as Dept Chair at the University he taught at. And so there it was.. all my fears realized and I was abandoned.

He told me 4 weeks in advance and offered to see me for those 4 weeks but I only came to one session. I was terribly hurt. I started seeing another therapist as I was in alot of pain and hoped the new one could help me grieve the last one but the new one was a total jerk. He actually LET the phone ring off the hook in our private therapy sessions.

When I confronted him about it he said this was a clinical issue and that it wasnt the phones ringing that bothered me it was something else. I sais NO its the phone ringing of the hook in session. Cant you mute the phone or lower the ringer? He responded I have been doing this for years and I dont know how to mute the phone. Well that was goodbye for me -- I left him mid session and never went back.

Since then I have struggled to find a new therapist. All the therapists I contacted in my area were either too busy, or retirning or not at the same address (the insurance provider list is way way out dated) or they werene ta good fit for me. I finally found myself driiving an hour away to the city to find a better quality therapist. I have been in 2 sessions with him so far but am very attentive to see if he will treat me poorly as well. I dont know how some of these people even get their licenses! Seriously though after all the crap I have been throught I miss the therapist who dumped his practice. I cry at nights and feel helpless without him.

How can I get through all this pain?

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hi sirenbliss,and welcome to the forum.

Yes but to heal I need a STABLE therapist; not someone whose gonna take off on me. Not sure I'm looking for a hero but I am looking for a RELIABLE HONEST TRUSTWORTHY therapist - and that is what it will take for me to heal. I need stability. So far my search has been fruitless.

a therapist can't heal you,or anyone else for that matter. the best a therapist (a good one) can do is help you to heal,and there's a big difference between the two.

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I used to work in Behavioral Health in a non clinical capacity so I really do know what you mean - there are a lot of quacks and kooks drawn to that profession.

I would suggest doing research on the internet and than contacting the therapist and arrange to meet them w/o it being a full session. Just 10-15 minutes to get a feel for them. If they won't agree to that then you know all you need.

Good luck!

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Hi Resolute

That's right, a therapist /client relationship is a partnership - one that is based on trust. If you cant trust your therapist because everyone youve met so far hasnt been reliable, then you're not going to heal at all. Its alot of investment in my personal time committment and energy to come to therapy; deserve to find a therapist who will have their act together and be available to commit to the end of the treatment goals. I also deserve a therapist who will answer my emails and phone calls in a time fashion (within reason of course) and who is not so overwhelmed with clientele that they cant offer me reliable decent care. Its hard being in a rural area where I live as there arent as many therapists available who are top notch or who arent already looking to move to another area to make more money. :(

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Hi Resolute

That's right, a therapist /client relationship is a partnership - one that is based on trust. If you cant trust your therapist because everyone youve met so far hasnt been reliable, then you're not going to heal at all. Its alot of investment in my personal time committment and energy to come to therapy; deserve to find a therapist who will have their act together and be available to commit to the end of the treatment goals. I also deserve a therapist who will answer my emails and phone calls in a time fashion (within reason of course) and who is not so overwhelmed with clientele that they cant offer me reliable decent care. Its hard being in a rural area where I live as there arent as many therapists available who are top notch or who arent already looking to move to another area to make more money. :(

you certainly have a point. but if you dedicated this much time and effort (as you have in finding the perfect therapist) in helping yourself,yourself,that might be more beneficial to you.

i also doubt that there is a "perfect therapist" anywhere. one who would meet all our requirements,and stay with us indefinitely. so we must sometimes simply help ourselves,at least to an extent.

i wish you the best sirenbliss.

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Resolute - we live in a community, we are social people; we cannot do anything ALONE; seeking help and a compatible therapist shouldnt be such a tough chore. I dont think I'm looking for a perfect therapist -- I'm looking for a reliable one. There's a difference. The goal of therapy shouldnt be to get us to tough it out and not need anyone; the goal of therapy is to teach us to to cope better as a citizen of society...we all rely on each other.

Its not much to expect good communication and a therapist who wont take off on you all the time.

I can do alot on my "own" with the help of others.

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Resolute - we live in a community, we are social people; we cannot do anything ALONE; seeking help and a compatible therapist shouldnt be such a tough chore. I dont think I'm looking for a perfect therapist -- I'm looking for a reliable one. There's a difference. The goal of therapy shouldnt be to get us to tough it out and not need anyone; the goal of therapy is to teach us to to cope better as a citizen of society...we all rely on each other.

Its not much to expect good communication and a therapist who wont take off on you all the time.

I can do alot on my "own" with the help of others.

ok,fair enough. perhaps victim's advice/suggestion is appropriate in your case.

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Welcome to the community, Sirenbliss. Sorry you have been hurting. :( I can relate. I was strongly attached to my therapist and had a difficult time after leaving therapy. One thing I have learned is how to sit with a painful feeling. Often times, our first instinct is to fight and try to avoid the feeling, but I think this may only prolong things in the long run. If you can, try to be accepting of your feelings as they come up and comfort yourself any way possible. Acknowledge, accept and feel and the pain will eventually pass. Or so it worked for me in the past anyhow. Take gentle care of you during this time of distress.

I wish you well finding a new therapist.

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Sirenbliss I am sorry that you are feeling this pain right now. I have found Jesus to be a great help in many areas of my life, his introduction to his sermon on the mount is called The Beatitudes, in it he said:

3 “Blessed are the poor in spirit,

for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

4 Blessed are those who mourn,

for they will be comforted."

I hope you find the right therapist for your needs Sirenbliss, I will pray for you.

Mathew 11:

28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

Hebrews 13:

“Never will I leave you;

never will I forsake you"

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