Hiya guys... *holds head in shame* (TW?)

[ThePetPerson]

Hi everyone, I am back...

Basically, I'm feeling pretty f*cked over right now.

I spent a total of 15 months as an inpatient, first in an adolescent unit, then a secure adult unit. With a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder (which I fully resent and disagree with), I was discharged into the community (my girlfriend and I rent a flat together) and I was raring to go, ready to get my life back, excited at the prospect of freedom.

Less than four months after discharge, I'm at a loss. I tried to go back to college and as of today, I dropped out. It is too much anxiety for me to deal with and I finally realized I haven't got the faintest clue what I'm doing. Why am I studying subjects I have no interest in to earn qualifications I don't know what to do with (won't even have enough to go to university) with a college that have made it clear they don't want me there? What am I doing with my life and is this even my life? WHO AM I?

My income comes from benefits and I'm constantly afraid they'll be taken away because I'm not sick enough to receive them. I'm entitled to more than I claim but I hate speaking to people so much I daren't even enquire.

I could go to work but even that has a whole host of problems. Number one, being my ability to cope. Then there's the fact that I don't have any qualifications past secondary education. The fact that I live under two different names and can't afford to correct this by deed poll. Would I even be able to convince them at interview that I could do the job?

My family have ditched me completely and I'm pretty much on my own (I can't burden my partner with this). So what do I do? I'm only 18 for f*cks sake! I'm terrified of absolutely everything!

I am the most suicidal I've been in months and I have no clue what to do about it. My CPN is no use to me at all, because I just don't understand what is even going on in my head. My self harm is bad and it upsets my partner so much.

My mental health is so completely unstable and I don't know what to do or where to even start. This morning I wanted to kill myself and this afternoon I want to get so high I can't stand up, chain smoke and alienate everyone so I can "discover who I am".

I can't be honest with anyone for fear of what it would lead to, if it would lead anywhere. I'm going to have to attempt suicide yet again before anyone takes me seriously, but hopefully by then, I'd be dead.

[IrmaJean]

It's good to see you, O. So sorry you're feeling so down. :( This has to be so difficult without the support of your family. We all need support at times and especially from loved ones. I'm sorry this is happening.

You are trying to adjust to a new life and maybe it takes more time to be ready. Is there someone you can reach out to who will help you to find the help you need? If you are feeling suicidal, I hope you will take steps to keep yourself safe. Perhaps confide in your partner? Maybe she would not see this as a burden? I know I would always want to know if a friend or loved one was hurting.

We are here too, PP, if talking and expressing yourself helps. Sending you love and comfort.

Edited October 15, 2014 by IrmaJean
typos

[Resolute]

i'm so sorry to hear this mate.

i don't have any advice for you at this time, but i'm here to listen though.

hang in there, and take care.

[malign]

Pet, it's good to see you! :-)

{And yeah, it's always complicated welcoming someone back here, because it means they need to be here.}

Instability is a problem, whether you call it "borderline" or not. The huge bright side is that you see your own instability, and it sounds like that insight has in fact stabilized you at times. You have some awareness of what would get you in more trouble, which some people have yet to develop.

It sounds as if you feel that people are not taking you seriously. But you also say that you can't be honest with them "for fear of what it would lead to". Doesn't that make it harder to be taken seriously?

What would your ideal solution be? I know that sounds stupid, because "ideal" never happens. But what it gives you is some idea of what a nearly-ideal-but-possible solution might be.

I know that "who am I?" is very difficult, and you're just starting out to find the answer. How about "who do you want to be?" Again, you can't always get what you want, as Mick Jagger pointed out, but that doesn't mean that you don't get any of what you want.

[ThePetPerson]

Sometimes I forget how much I miss this place, I forget how much I love the members, the sense of community, and sometimes the fact that people talk sense!

It's so good to hear from you IJ and Malign. And hello to resolute and IR!

Unfortunately, my partner has mental health problems of her own and I find it extremely difficult to share with her, as she struggles with accepting my issues and often reflects them inwardly.

My "ideal" resolution would be to win the lottery, flee the country and just do tons of crazy things until life catches up with me and I die by the age of 25

Unfortunately, I feel the people not taking me seriously often comes with the diagnosis, as it's not considered a "real" mental illness. I do take your point though, people will struggle to take me seriously if I can only tell them half the story, and I suppose that's something I need to work on. If only I'd paid attention in all that therapy I slept through.

I can't tell you how much I really love that you suggested that. I often consider taking up plumbing, actually.

[malign]

Meh. Anyone who's had to deal with a person suffering from true borderline knows it's an illness, trust me. And that's regardless of whether you, personally, have it or not. "Personality disorder" is used to mean "not psychotic" (in my opinion), which still leaves room for a fairly large amount of illness ... For instance, the majority of repeated suicide attempters and a lot of self-harmers fit the basic criteria. Are you acquainted with Dr. Marsha Linehan, who pioneered the treatment called DBT? There are videos of her on the web with some very useful information in them.

You could win the lottery, (why does which country you're in matter?), do lots of crazy things, and live to the ripe old age of 50, couldn't you? :-P

Lots of people have done. At least the last two things.

If it helps any, I don't know how much of the whole story you've told us, but we take you seriously. That could give you some guidance about how much to tell.

[ThePetPerson]

Ah, Dr. Marsha Lineham haunts my dreams. DBT infects my every waking hour. I cannot escape it. Using 'wise mind', practicing mindfulness, all of it makes far too much sense for me to apply it to my life

How strange, that I experience psychosis, and previously had a diagnosis of Bipolar disorder, but once I hit 18, my diagnosis was immediately changed as my "past trauma " is too much to ignore. I've suffered too long to have PTSD, and I have too much trauma to not have a personality disorder. The game doctors like to play never ceases to astound me.

[IrmaJean]

Maybe specific diagnosis is not as important as learning what you need to feel healthy and well. Have you found any coping methods to be helpful in any way? How are you feeling today?

Thinking of you, Pet.

[malign]

Dang, now I have to try my best not to make sense. :-P

I'm pretty sure trauma induces disorder of some sort, whatever label gets put on it.

Okay, I know: I failed.