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Hello i am new here and i have a very disturbing issue ,i am a 32 year old woman who has from what research reaveals has been suffering from pocd ,there is a huge part of me that denies i do not have pocd that i am just streight sick bcuz i recieve very intense gronial responses to the intusive thoughts that revolve around the pocd themes in my head ,and it seems like the more i obsses and check / reassure w conjured images the worse it gets i am discusted and ashamed of my self due to the gronial response and its seems like the more sexually obscene the thought the stronger the arousal / gronial response, it started about two years ago and not at all obscene i had aniexty and was also recovering from a meth addiction but heres where it got really bad i was clean and in a relationship w an active user that put me thru some really dark moments there was a time well still that i belive due to the careless nature of what he was doing that he knew what he was doing to me he played alot of games ,cheated lied n watched me fall apart and would run around w girls that enjoyed screwing and slamming dope intravenously i used to aswell but i always clamned in discust at the strange sexual exsperiance involved while being high it felt like the presence of Satan himself anyway becuz i felt innerly crippled due to the way that i was being treated by the person i once believed in i started to isolate became anxious in social settings due to extreme insecurity but in these times of prolonged anxirty n isolation my thinking became very abhorret/ not in right mind it seemed ike i looked at people and everything normal in an estranged way well evently being around children caused me anxiety the anxiety caused me to ponder if it were bcuz i may feel or feared a sexual innuendo tword them well i believe this turned into ocd constant fear and tention followed by groin responses and shame then constand reassurance but as time progressed my thoughts became more sexually violent it was like a demon was inhabiting my mind but causeing me to like it w arousal but heres how i knew there was something going on w me and may have been caused by emotional abuse i never have had this exsperiance until the toxic relationship i grew up w five lil brothers i changed them all have seen all of their lil cchickens aka weenies lol i have baby sat my friends children on many occasions both girls n boys i used to babysit my friends girl vanessa that loved to take baths at our house it was roitine that she would ask to take a bath as soon as she got there and its strange cuz i could completely remember seeing vanessa butt naked lol and it never ever bothered me. I used to never get gronial responses to anything like children i was very 2nd nature w them and i have adored kids most of my life and want to have my own n now im terrified i might think something sick and wrong and never be able to capture the A naturalconnection i used to have w them what do i do am i turning into someone that could stand / be aroused by the thought of a child being molested or is this something wich it does when i dont obsses will go away?

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Sorry you're having intrusive thoughts. It's human nature to have disturbing thoughts, but I guess most people can decide to not go there again, and don't have to keep worrying about it and checking.

I've been through the same kind of thing with drugs, isolation, relationships, people watched me fall apart too. It's a long road out of that place to be sure...well done.

In my opinion, I'd think it would go away once you stop obsessing because you'll be able to think about other stuff.

Maybe seek help from a doctor?

Take care.

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Thank you for your response, it seems like theres some reverse phycology 2 ocd bcuz it does stop when i stop ,ive been doing research and it seems like the fear of the gronial response followed by obssesion is what sparks the counter active response to something that would rather when thought conitively strike anger and discust , i remember one time years ago i was at my grandfathers where most of my drug abuse to place along w the rest of my meth addicted family i had found a lil book that had explicit eroctic storys well when i opened it began to read what kind of storys were in this book i began to feel complete extreme hostile discust after the first paragraph due to the nature of the theme wich was pedophilia/ inscest i got this fucked up knott in my stomach and threw the book i could not stand to even hear a fake story about that so to me its seems like abhorrence and duress have contributed to this gronial response of this nature.

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