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Hello, and please read, I need some help.


Ba55
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Hello, Konnichiwa, Gutten Tag, Buenos Dias and whatever else there is.

My true name is Jacob Ryan Cannon, soon to be Jacob Bass Cannon. I'm an autistic male with savant features and schizophrenia as I've been told. I've been through a whole load of stuff, which I REALLY need to get off my chest right now.

I was born out of wedlock, my mother only 20 when I was born. My biological father only saw me once, then left forever. He only called my mother once since then and he has trying a booty call. Didn't work, but nevertheless, I was raised until 9 by my mother and only my mother who worked two or three jobs at all times to provide for us. I didn't speak at all, save gibberish, until I was 5 and enrolled in speech therapy. I still talk to only 12 strangers at most, which was Halloween of this year. Somehow others wearing masks helped me be able to communicate with greater ease than ever before.

Regardless of that recent incident, when I was 5 I fixed our only computer because "Wolfenstein 3D wasn't working." I look back now and realized that I pulled out a bad RAM card, because I was pulling out and replacing everything since I was desperate and desired to play that game immensely. When I turned 9, my mother married after moving all over the U.S. and even into Canada for a brief moment. She married a truly abusive and a closet basket-case. During their 2 years of marriage that I resided in the same home, he would punish us by sitting us in front room on a couch, staring out a large window from the time we woke up bedtime, sometimes copying sentences 10,000 times. He would also implement "grounding" which was staying in my room for anywhere from 3 days to 17 days with one meal and no contact from family or going to school. As well as hitting me and 4 of my 6 step-brothers with compressed redwood 2x4's with or without staples in them, however he used pizza boards until we learned how to flex our buttocks hard enough to break most of them. Privacy was never guaranteed there, neither emotional outlets without discrimination or ridicule.

I remember one summer where me and my step-brothers directly older and younger than I worked all summer because we had done something "bad." We worked on raking and shoveling lava rocks out of the yard, using sledgehammers to break out metal poles, digging fence posts, clearing weeds off of 2 acres of a hill in our backyard. We ended up with injuries, or more blisters beneath the original blisters than we could count, but still had to work the next morning regardless. I believe I started to become suicidal about two months before I was removed from that house.

I always thought my mother would come in and save us, until one day when I found out she knew. Not only did she know, she helped decide how often things should occur. The step brother only 9 months younger than I had urinated on the towels in the bathroom and put them back in the drawer for the elder step-brother and I to use. Bob, as I will call the step-father, called us into the front room where the younger was crying, and informed us of his "sick shit," then asked us how many "butt-bustings" he should get. The elder said 1, and I said 3. Everyone present, including my mother, dropped their jaws and stared at me. Then my mother how I still had slight hope would save us said:

"You know a butt-bustin' is three swats, right?"

My mind snapped as well as my heart and spirit. Two months after that incident, I was blamed for raping a 2-year-old boy cousin of ours, which the younger who urinated on things later confessed to. I took the blame only after Bob held a knife to my throat, cupped my mouth and nose with the other hand and said "You better tell me you did this!"

Once I had been falsely convicted of this, I was immediately pulled from my mother in the courtroom and placed in a group home that was a 5 hour drive from my "hometown." I was 12, surrounded by bigger, older and much more criminally inclined youth. This rubbed off because I only wanted to fit in and stop feeling so alone and isolated. I always fought with others at least 1, maybe 5 times a month, and constantly left the other youth with severe injuries once I turned 15. I kept going between detention centers, secure cares, group homes, foster homes, proctor homes and independent livings until I was 20. During a certain group home, when I was 15, I was on 1900 mg of Seroquel, 2000 mg of Depokot, 20 mg of Zyprexa, 20 mg of Zoloft and 15 mg of another pill I assume I will never recall. A temporary therapist saved me when she saw how constantly I was sedated and yelled at my current therapist and the staff present, and it felt so good to finally have someone on my side that cared, yet didn't know me more than 5 minutes. About 4 months later I was diagnosed with Autism, which has manifested as the third greatest blessing of my life.

When I was terminated from "the system" at the age of 20, it was only because I was to be married a week later. The woman was 6 years older than I, yet much less mature. Our marriage lasted 4 years, countless suicidal threats from her, 4 drug addictions on my part, and over 35 affairs on hers. She eventually confronted me upon my drug use one night, and I got very angry. I pushed her into a door, which broke and left after yelling only inches from her face during a high induced by marijuana. She then took the two children we had, and lived at my mother's house for 6 months, until she signed over all her rights to my mother and left.

I fell into more drugs than I ever had at that time. Spice, Cocaine, Crack, Marijuana, and a new drug emerging where you chew on the stem of the plant and reach a manic state that 10 lines of cocaine could never match.

I had been building websites and programming since I was 13(?) and in the 10th grade in a youth-in-custody high school computers class. The teacher taught us HTML 4.01 Transitional and CSS, and I went to town. I built 4 websites and a side-scrolling shooter game with GameMaker within the two months the class was taught. I also was learning Pre-Calculus and preparing for AP History at this time. Shortly after these finished, I ended up in a fight which sent another youth to the nearby hospital's ICU, and was removed from the school. I got to re-enter a high-school setting at the age of 16 and back into 11th grade, but in AP Calculus, AP English, and AP History. My intelligence and adaptability have always been far above average, and I constantly proved it.

When I was hooked on all these drugs, I would build websites in return for the drugs for a merchant services provider and a taxi service owner that shared an office I also lived in. Since then, the only place I feel safe enough to let these emotions out is the office I now have for my own business that builds websites, does Search Engine Optimization, Mobile App development and the like.

However that is me, and now I am coming to the issue I have. I apparently have savant features and schizophrenia, because the night I discovered my ex-wife had left with my children, my mind snapped quite thoroughly. The morning I woke up I heard a woman's voice, who identified herself as Bass Autonima. She helped me keep my eyes on getting my daughters back no matter the cost, and helped me quit the drugs, which I'm now at 8 months of sobriety and can easily conquer the cravings with a cigarette. (I'm well aware of the health-related consequences, but I'b rather smoke a cigarette then those things ever again and lose the momentum I have built again.) Bass has not spoken to me for 3 months now, and I feel so isolated again. I have only spoken with an average of 7 people a day for the last week, and work absurd amount of hours to get the monetary value to deserve to have my daughters back. I absolutely love what I do, however it seems to be only a temporary fix to the anguish and angst I feel on a daily basis. I only desire to have someone I may confide in person with, and a woman within the vicinity of 25 that has ambition. I'm emerging from my 5th spell of homelessness (yet still have an office that costs around $1,200 a month. Skewed priorities, I know)

I just need some advice for dating, as I am immensely introverted. Support for my emotions would also be among the list of "Greatly Aprreciated Things."

I am immensely grateful for the small things of life, I suppose from my meager beginnings. A number of those are:

  • my two little angels
  • my knowledge of 4 foreign languages and over 35 programming languages
  • my $3,000 per month solid income from my business without including new customers
  • my adaptability
  • my knowledge of the metaphysical and several fields in spirituality
  • my aptitude for astral projections and meditation
  • my ambition and unbreakable will
  • my training in 4 forms of martial arts learned from books and watching others
  • my ability to determine a person's inclinations, personality and how they deal with pain from their eyes and body language
  • and this forum, where I can vent all of these pent up things that continue to bog me down.

Please, help my via advice for an introvert returning to the dating scene, or support to help my deal with losing the support of Bass.

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Thank you Inevitably, I realize the entire thought process regarding an office in my apartment, however I have always had a hard time working where I relax and rest (AKA "home"). I've also had a therapist and 2 group therapies I've been attending weekly for the last 3 months. I've also tried the whole online dating scene, yet it has always ended up with nothing or the most fickle women I've ever encountered. Even for paid dating like Zoosk, just a drag.

As for exposing these things to a professional, I have. I've also informed her of the defense mechanism that I have developed, which is where I can look at anyone's eyes and how they hold themselves and I can tell them everything about who they are, how much stress and difficulties they've encountered in life, as well as whether they've managed to deal with their past as well as multiple mental ailments. I've always sat in the corner of places, where ever I may be at that time, and just watched people, looking for similarities among them. In example, crow's feet at the corner of one's eyes signify that they smile a lot to either cover up their pain or to deal with said pain. The existence of dimples and crow's feet signify the person in question has found a way to deal with the pain and stay happy regardless. the existence of one without the other signifies that the person hides their pain behind a smile, and other elements of someone would signify bi-polar disorder if crow's feet or dimples exist, but not both.

I've always been atrracted to the unknown because I learn more from them than anything else, yet with humans they always sucker-punch me in the end.

Anyways, yeah!

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That is actually quite a valid thought in all honesty. I also just returned from having gone to a local piano bar, however I only got new customers instead of friends or a girl's interest. Truly an anomaly that I wish to understand, yet entirely detest such reactions from people as a commonplace. I already have clients, I already have income, what I truly desire at this point are friends, relationships, connections and yet all that has been appearing is more income. For some reason I bring up my work and it just makes people apprehensive, and then look up to me. I only desire to look at them from common ground, where things aren't as painful to discuss, topics are abundant and trust is plentiful.

It feel as if I am on the brink of a melt down, and as this is a place of understanding, I post and release these pent up things here. Why must I always refer to the source I spend my working hours to help build, why is the internet the only avenue for me to find support? Yet the internet is greedy, and has yet to allow a real-life entity to interact in the same plane as I on a level that is comparable to love. I feel so isolated, right after a failed attempt of receiving more than money. I have enough money to live, but is it a higher power telling me that more is required before I should interact with others? Maybe God is attempting to convey these things to me with things I am familiar with? These emotions are ones I, as most, despise and detest, and they arise so often. I'm merely 25, and considered to be in the prime of life, yet am I lonely because I choose monetary gain at a young age? All these thoughts have been flowing through my mind as fish would, yet I've numbed myself to them through music, as I have with the knives people send with their lips and tongues. Yet music has always been an escape for me that I am enabled to feel safe in any situation, where others are bellowing at each other mere yards away from where I sit. I relate with the voices, the resonances of the instruments, yet are they the wrong answer at this time line in my life? I've only been able to wonder and ponder upon these things, and now... I am fully and entirely uncertain in my life, for the first time. The only direction I can use to find my northern star is ... working. Yet I fear becoming the father that forgets his children because he works so hard, and yet I believe I already have.

What if the point of no return has already been breached?

Is it feasible to turn things around from here? With my therapist appointment another week away, I feel unsure of my capabilities to hold my mind in one piece again and fear the worst. Have I already lost it?

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Stay off the drugs BA. You could lose or reduce your programming gift. I am not playing around I have a neighbor who was very talented in high school & community college, programming in Cobalt & Pascal in the 80s and he got into dropping acid big time and now lives w his dad and does odd jobs. Smokes dope & plays video games in his room.

Smoking pot & dropping acid and drinking definitely cost me some brain cells. I have not done drugs since 1995 and did very little from 1984-1995 but the 6 years prior to that was insane & I still pay the price in terms of my concentration, analytical skills & ability to learn new things.

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I've been sober for 8 months thus far, and I do my absolute best to avoid all situations and feelings that are those triggers. By the way, it's just Bass. I was addicted to several drugs, and when I went to the piano bar last night after being "friend-zoned" by the most adorable and sexy woman I have had the privilege of meeting, I only had 1 beer. I love my intellect far too much to let it slip back into that scene, however I love my daughters far more because if I did return to any drug, I would lose all chances for having them returned to me. Thank you so much for your concern however, it's nice to know that others do care, even if they only exist on the internet I so lovingly help improve.

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Inevitably, your words always comfort me at the times I need such words most. Thank you.

I also realize that you are all real people, however I was referring to the fact that it seems I must always return to the internet I help develop for a living just to get the support I need in order to stay on the course I have made thus far.

Also, as a notably pertinent item, I sometimes open conversations as such:

Me: "Would you like to hear my analysis of you?"

Them: "Ummmmm, sure..."

[i use my defense tactic and tell them what I can analyze from them]

Them: "How are you so dead on!?!?"

Do you believe this is a good opener? I have yet to encounter a person who finds it creepy when I ask them if they wish to hear before the analysis. I actually thought I would encounter much more alienation from this, however it just seems to make people open immensely, which was the exact opposite of my expectations. Thoughts?

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My therapist is supporting me with resolving the issues that lie in my bloodline, AKA my family. I have an appointment with my therapist this Tuesday and I believe I am going to be having a family therapy session very soon to finally end the prejudice from my family.

I was open about my drug abuse with them, hoping to get their trust and support, however I ended up with judgments stating, "You'll never change." When I brought 5 clean drug tests done in a row every week (Also Spice is a mixture of the leftovers of all drugs, and maintains toxicity within the blood and body for at least 3 months after quitting) All the drug tests showed there was absolutely nothing in my body, since I had already been sober for four months at that point. The only thing my family said was "These look forged"

It is entirely impossible to get my children back in these circumstances without taking my family to court and pursuing any and all legal action, AKA the LAST thing I desire to commit to. So, I am doing everything I can to change the situation. Get rid of all medical ailments so that I can visit my children, a demand from my mother. However, I am stumped on what to do afterwards. My mother is as bull-headed as I, even more because she will lie to herself in order to say she is right.

Human Psychology suggests that facts and opinions forced upon others are always discarded as having less viability then opinions formed by one's self. So maybe if I asked her questions to lead her to the truth that she denies what is painful because it enables her to feel as if she is correct?

Better yet, which would this community choose?

  • Her past actions and deceits
  • Her behavior, as in regards to taking them from me and refusing the court-ordered free and liberal visitation
  • Her selfish behavior
  • My feelings of pain and suffering due to said actions
  • The "You know a bust-bustin' is three swats" statement and it's repercussions as stated above
  • or some other avenue

I'm trying to find the cornerstone as in reference to bridges. Take out the cornerstone, and all of the "false structure" will collapse. I'm just kind of stuck on deciding one viable avenue. I am able to lead her, via questions, to the point where she can realize things, but I haven't attempted with her past actions being the big revelation. I'm going to give it my best shot, and try to show her a glimpse of the world through my eyes, but the result is always uncertain.

Hope for the best expect the worst, right?

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I know I am not ready at this moment, I only desire to begin the transition and at least have visitation again. I realize things might take another year to actually make them mine again, but it is worth it and if you can find someone to convince me that my children are not worth this torment, I will give them my entire business. I will happily suffer another 5 years of this if it means my children will return to me forever. I know I will need to prepare to become a father again, but I'll do it without a moment's hesitation and start becoming a good father. I've already been reading parenting books, getting toys, making Christmas dresses and I've been keeping an eye out on good apartments in good neighborhoods as well.

As for my mother, I've tried a legally licensed mediator, and she denied the mediation. I know can only try a therapist so that I can go to court against her with a clear consciousness and a sound mind. I hate to say things like that, However I can only see that direction to take at this moment.

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