Is it (hypo)mania?

[finding my way]

I'll bet what makes you feel worse about yourself is the unfair judgement. Just being observant, from a neutral place, wouldn't make you feel worse I don't think. And being observant from a place of compassion might actually help (though that might be a bit of a stretch for now, some day it could be possible). All I'm saying is that the observer-self might have a valuable function with a few changes to his method. I've heard buddhist-types refer to it as the "witness."

People don't currently say that I think too much. They must've given up on that one, or maybe I'm clamming up except for here!

Edited January 19, 2009 by finding my way

[malign]

I did wonder whether you'd changed your thinking, or your associates. ;-)

I tried not to reply, because my impulse is to resist you, contradict you, even though you are right. The observer's purpose would not be served if "he" did not give an opinion. The opinion is supposed to keep me safe, and just watching wouldn't be enough. This is one of the ongoing battles for me, to convince myself that I'm safe without that input.

[finding my way]

Soooooooooooo, egos tend to need to feel in control at least somewhat. It's too difficult to get organized around chaos, so, early on, sometimes even before a rational process is in place (because we are still kids), we take on a kind of magical thinking to order our world because that was the only way we knew how to think back then. Or maybe just emotional thinking, not necessarily magical. And if that has never been challenged or replaced, for some reason, we don't outgrow it???? It just seems to stay there.

So tell me, how did these negative judgements keep you safe as a child? If you called yourself names before someone else did you beat them to it and you won?