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how to want to live


Ralph
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I really have nothing to complain about in my life*

Yet I would rather be dead than alive right now, as long as I can stop existing as opposed to going to hell or reincarnating or whatever. I'm trying to do all the right things**, but I can't think of anything I want to do except blow my brains out.

* - I have a nice car. Nice job, good relationship, friends that help me out when I'm in trouble, even money in the bank. I have productive interests/hobbies and I take some time to relax every now and then.

** - I'm in talk therapy, seeing a psychiatrist, and primary care MD as well. There is a mild addiction problem that I'm dealing with but I have been clean for six months. Actually today will be exactly a half year if I don't drink today.

I suffer from major depression and PTSD, but, more than anything else I hate myself and want to not exist anymore. I nearly attempted suicide on Weds but I called a friend instead, who got me to my therapist and right now I'm staying with friends since I am a danger to myself. I think the main reason I haven't offed myself already is mere cowardice. Doing something permanent would require me to make a decision and stick to it, and that's just not in my programming. OTOH I am sick of these close calls and crying 2-4x/day. How does one get from barely wanting to not die back to having something to live for?

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I'm mainly venting. I go up and down, sometimes I feel ok, other times I can't stand existence. I'm in a safe place but I don't feel safe. The biggest threat to me is in my own head.

For whatever reason, if I don't make it through this, I want to get the message to my loved ones that I went out fighting. I really don't want to hurt them but how long can I hang on in pain just to save others from pain? Well at least 31 years or so, so far.

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  • 3 weeks later...

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