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Don't know what to call this.


SassyCassy
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I'll try to keep this as short as possible. I'm emotionally aware of what's going on, but I don't know how to control it.

(Trigger warning: Mental illness and self-harm.)

I'll break it up into two parts, so it won't be messy.

1.) My OCD is getting worse. I'll get disturbing images relating with things I don't want to talk about. I don't really have a *physical* ritual that'll help me calm down. I have a mental one, but lately they haven't been working because the images will get worse and worse. Then there's voices that'll make me mentally say things I don't even mean to say, and they get in the way of everything! The voices makes me think I need to "punish" myself for thinking things I don't even mean to think about. I've tried exposure therapy for one of my bad thoughts, and it worked! But some of the things I absolutely cannot look up, it's beyond scary. Is there another way to not think these thoughts, without resorting to exposure therapy or medication?

2.) My guilt is eating me up. I have a horrible time dealing with it, because the only way I cope with it is to cut myself. (Especially if I end up offending someone, that's when I'll go into a frenzy!) I try my best to be good and not hurt people, but sometimes it's unintentional, and I'll apologize, and they'll forgive me, but the guilt feeling won't go away even after the situation has ended. It'll only go away if I hurt myself. I don't know how to handle it. I don't know how to forgive myself, because I don't really like myself at all.

I'm sorry for any grammatical/spelling errors- it's 12:50AM here. (Some people can stay up longer I don't know how they do it. :0 )

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Welcome to our community, Sassy. I'm sorry you are in so much distress. :( I hope you can do your best to be gentle with yourself through this.

When the thoughts pop up in your mind, maybe try to allow them to simply be and perhaps they will pass. I think sometimes the more we focus on something, the more engrained it becomes. Does distraction help? Maybe go outside for a walk or find a furry friend to comfort and ground you. Are you able to contact your therapist?

I hope you won't be too hard on yourself. So many of us struggle and sometimes we say and do things we wish we hadn't. When you feel the urge to self harm, would expressing yourself here possibly help prevent you from hurting yourself? Or you might call a friend. Try breathing through the urge? Are your parents supportive? Has anything happened recently in your life that might be causing you additional distress?

Sorry things are so painful right now. Take care, Sassy.

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Welcome to our community, SassyCassy :)

Are you currently working with a therapist? It can be very difficult to be alone when struggling with mental health... good job coming here and speaking up! I know it isn't easy :( We cannot take the place of a therapist, but we do our best to offer support.

Some people get relief with medication for OCD... have you tried any?

Breathing techniques can really help anyone who is trying to make a shift inside away from controlling thoughts. Have you had any experiences with using breath to meditate or calm down?

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