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lost and hopeless


lostnhopeless
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Where do I begin...9 years ago I met who I thought was my soul mate...we never got married but had 3 kids together...recently...well 2 years ago we split up because I found out he had sent a friend of mine and my mother pictures of his a man parts....he didn't tell me he did it...I found out from my mother...he was also trying to set up meetings with them at a hotel...well nothing ended up happening but it crushed me what he did....we had some relationship problems before that but still kept pushing through...after that happens I decided to call it quits...I moved out. We have been separated but still do things together occasionally with the kids....in the mean time 3 months after the split I started seeing a mutual friend of ours who was going through a separation himself. I loved spending time with him and he made me feel whole again after being crushed. He was still living with his ex and they were trying to sell their house go through a bankruptcy and custody of their daughter had to be dealt with too. He would spend many nights with me but not until he dealt with things at the house. There was a lot of back and forth between the two houses. Well here it is 2 years later and he still isn't out and nothing is settled yet. He still lives there. He says he is moving out next week but that is only because I fussed numerous times and told him I couldn't do the back and forth lifestyle anymore. In the meantime my ex is begging me for forgiveness and wants me back. I explain to him the hurt he's caused me and tell him I wished it was that easy to get over but the trust is broken.....my problem....I can't see myself losing either one from my life. I'm so overwhelmed sometimes and so stressed I don't know which way to go. I feel like I love them both and don't want to lose either one. My ex gave me an ultimatum tonight saying he's done chasing me because he has tried for 2 years and put up a fight to get me back and he's done...he's going to leave me alone because chasing me is getting him no where if I'm going to continue to try and see the other one. I burst into tears because that man was my life for years and I felt I gave him, our kids, and the house everything. I was 100% loyal to them and got hurt and just can't get over it...in the meantime the other one is in my ear saying how he doesn't want to lose me and his life is nothing without me in it...... Ugh what to do....I'm so lost....any advice?

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Would it be fair to call this an attachment issue, l-n-h?

It sounds as if most of the pull is that both guys tell you how much they need you. It's not clear what you would feel if you could separate their feelings, their needs, from your own. It also seems that you may put up with behavior from them that you wouldn't expect them to put up with from you; is that true?

Is there any significance to the fact that you didn't marry your soul mate?

As you might expect, we probably won't have any actual "advice" for you, except to turn the question back to you, though hopefully in ways that help you answer them ...

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An attachment on my part? Or theirs? As to why I never married him... I'm not sure. He asked twice.. The second time I said yes but it seemed like when we would start planning I would get pregnant and it postponed things. We also started having many troubles after the birth of all our children. I stayed at home to raise them and he would work. He came home and would complain if the littlest thing wasn't done or if I was too exhausted to keep up our bedroom life. I felt like nothing I did was good enough.

When it comes to the guy after him...we fell hard and fast for each other but his situation is dragging me down. I don't understand how someone who claims to love me and wants to be with me could stick it out with her until everything is done and finalized. He is finally moving out this week but now we are barely on speaking terms. And my ex is full force...he keeps asking me to do things but in another breath tells me he has to let me go and move on for himself. Then why blow up my phone and push me to my breaking point?

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Neither sound like a good choice to be honest. THe ex husband sounds a bit selfish and inconsiderate. And the new guy sounds selfish too.

Has the ex-husband showed you through actions that he has changed? That he can be trusted? That he really regrets what he did? Actions speak louder than words. Him hitting on your mom was pretty messed up. What kind of person does that?

Then the new guy seems to be just stringing you along. Thats pretty messed up too. If he was really serious about your relationship he would have left at least. Does his soon to be ex-wife know about you? If she doesn't he might be the type of guy that likes to get his cake and eat it too.

My advice would be to let both of them go and work on just being alone for a while. Give yourself some time to work on yourself and not care about either of those men. If either really loves you they will give you your space and wait for you. In a relationship you should be happy and full of confidence, that person who compliment you. These men don't sound like they bring you a happy relationship. I don't really know the whole situation but i think you being alone would be best and let them both go.

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@strawberrypam.....Well my ex says he wants a chance to prove he's sorry and he wants me to give him a chance to prove it but in order for that to happen he wants me to leave the other one alone. He said we don't have to move back in right away just take things slow. There are times where we have been out shopping together for the kids for Christmas and he's constantly on his phone talking to women. He even started being exclusive with someone on my birthday and even bought a ring for her but never gave it to her. But says he can't make any relationship work because he's still in love with me. He hasn't treated me very nicely the past two years because when we split I decided to start dating the other guy. He has called me names and even tried to use our kids against me. My thinking is if he love me as much as he says he does or did he wouldn't have done that and he wouldn't be so hateful to me at times. My relationship with my mother is ruined because of him. I don't know if I can ever forgive that.

As to the other guy...she does know about me. She is dating others as well.

I have told them both that I just need me time..my space and neither of them respect that...its like they come back full force.

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@irmajean....do you feel I have an attachment issue or is it them? My relationship with myself is good. I have learned a lot in the past two years and have learned to stand on my own two feet without help. Ever since I was 17 I have been with a man.leaving one relationship and shortly going to the next. I have learned that it's okay to be alone but still know how to go out and have fun sometimes. I have learned a lot about relationships and communicationbut overall I feel like I'm in a good place with myself

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I can't really say if you have attachment issues, lnh, I'm no expert. I do wonder if they are the root of many psychological struggles and especially so in relationships. I have some attachment issues myself. It's good you have a good relationship with yourself and feel in a healthy place.

my problem....I can't see myself losing either one from my life. I'm so overwhelmed sometimes and so stressed I don't know which way to go. I feel like I love them both and don't want to lose either one.

How do they meet your needs? What would be missing if you end your relationship with one or both?

I have told them both that I just need me time..my space and neither of them respect that...its like they come back full force.

This says a lot, don't you think?

I hope you feel less distress soon. Take care.

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