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I don't know what to do


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Okay, I'm gonna admit it. I think I might have depression. I haven't exactly been okay for years, but the past few months have been the worst of my life. It's reall hard to put everything I'm feeling into words, honestly. I just...a lot of the times, I feel so empty that is causes an extrememly uncomfortable physical feeling. I either sleep too much or too little. I can't stand myself, if I do anything wrong I think about it for days and it eats me alive, I'm an absolutely godawful person and I feel bad for everybody in my life just because they know me, I hate my body, and I just loathe myself. I've been cutting a lot more than usual. I want to die so much and I'm in the process of working out the fine details of my plan and finishing my will. I don't know if I'll actually go through with anything for sure. There are days when I feel okay, and even days where I'm happy. But so often I can't handle simply being alive.

My mom knows something is wrong and I feel horrible but when I try to tell her anything I phyisically can't. All I can think about is the look of worry and concern I'd get if I actually told her. She's already expressed that if she ever found out I was self-harming she'd freak out, and that's not even all of it. Plus, she'd want to take me to a therapist and I couldn't ever trust one. I would be so scared of them judging me. But I don't know what to do, I have never felt this alone and invisible and just plain miserable in my entire life and I don't know how much longer I can take it.

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