trainwreck

[GraspingNEET]

Failing to know where to begin, and wishing to remain unknown, I suppose that some vague background would be needed before comming to the point. I am an adult male in my late 20s, have always been antisocial and naturally depressive/narcisistic, started cutting around 11-12 years old compulsivly, a thing i now generally control & in fact use as a form of self-discipline/control. I am so very jaded and a studied nihilist as well as a political extreamist (militant elitism). I am a violent felon, as a teen i was convicted of attempted murder and did a number of years as a result. I am not psychopathic though border it at times. I have made one serious attempt to kill myself within the last six months, stabbing myself through the wrist then tearing the knife back out leaving a vertical wound, an almost impulsive yet pragmatic descision at the time. Sinse then I have been brought to a point in life where I actually and on occasion activly consider another "attempt" as being on a short list of valid options, but apathy alone currently consigns it to the realm of idle speculation. Though I am usually able to put on a (shallow) good face socially, which helps to avoid/minimize mental health cases and allows me some social interraction, I only have ever connected to people one would consider very depressive and/or sociopathic. I have severe anxiety, particularly but not limited to a social nature, and a crushing though suppressed paranoia that is truely well founded. I am and have always been very bitter. And so, so much more, with almost none of this having any particular scorce in the external, all either in my nature or brought about through anilization.

Currently; I do not care to rely on others, yet since prison I have found it nearly impossible to secure/keep work, after my suicide attempt I decided that college may very well be my last positive option, and have taken the sats, scoring over 2000 points with a perfect 800 on the critical reading section, dispite which I have ironically been denied the ability to attend college by parole in part to the suicide attempt that quite likely would never had happened if I had something of such a nature to latch on to. Though I try strictly to avoid actions that would send me back to prison everyday I feel that, knowing myself-my environment which I wish to leave in one manner or another-and life in general, prison is somehow imenant, or my own death, likely by my own hand, and at this point I can only see one option that is anything else; going on the run, but not from anything but my own anxiety.

For weeks, almost months, most days I lock myself away in my room, crippled by apathy and/or anxiety. I get out for only two things most of the time; parole, and to sleep with a girl that I know once in a while. Leaving for anything else only proves the reasons not to.

I detest "help", so much, which tends to be a joke or a presumption that someone helping thierselves or society conform me to what is comfortable or healthy is the same thing as helping my person and self. Furthermore I don't care for well meant sounding nothings. This really isnt a cry for help, I do quite well helping myself dispite what it may seem. I suppose that I am both venting to the nothing of impersonal spectators, and mabe fishing for an intelegent conversation and some stray line of thought that may do me some eventual good, one that I havent already contemplated and probably dismissed.

[malign]

Well, it's understandable that you don't want help "to conform ... to what is comfortable or healthy" because that isn't the same as "helping [your] person and self". But it does suggest that you have some idea what would be helpful to your person and self? Though I guess it could just be the certainty of what wouldn't help ...

What does a philosophy of "militant elitism" involve? That might be the start of some sort of discussion, anyway.

I assume you've considered options for your college studies that wouldn't violate parole? It would seem that online courses, at least, could be an option, but maybe there's something I don't know.

[GraspingNEET]

When it comes to help the certainty is in what wouldnt work, as well as a belief in the lack of a need for it. I mostlt "Help myself", and when it comes to any official agencies I'm someone that if given enough rope to hang myself, I wont usually, but if not I will find a way to anyway.

As to social philosophy, that all depends on interpretation, but let me say that the ideals behind it when applied give me the only positive dirrection that I have ever had, or at least an unargueably progressive one, yet this vary thing also tends to amp my bitterness and contempt for all things around me,igniting a rather large hatred for contemorary society.

As for the last, I have looked into it and it is a distant option, but utterly fails to adress ANY problem apart from ahaving a certified education, mostly taking me out of my stagnating and self-destructive environment and placing me somewhere......better, and mind you I'm not so simple as to be taken by the whole "grass is always greener" thing, this is just a plain fact. I'm self destructing here, continuously and ever more quickly.

[malign]

Well, maybe "help" has a restricted meaning for you: talking to us here, even a little, might "help" ...

Society isn't a difficult thing to hate. It can be difficult to define, though. If you look closely enough, it's just a (very large) bunch of separate individuals. One at a time, people are different than they are in bulk. Something to think about, anyway. I know that my own social anxiety was about "what ifs", vague expectations I had of groups of people, and every individual I've made a serious attempt to know has been different from that expectation. Everyone's mileage varies though.

It's good that you recognize that your "here" is destructive. I know that that doesn't immediately translate into knowing where to go next, but it's a start. (And I have no reason to take you for someone who's simple ...)