The ever-present pain

[youshallneverknow]

No-one understands. No one thinks I have anything to worry about. No-one understands I have everything to worry about.

Aside from what you'd refer to as SPS, I have a whole menagery of mental health problems. I have my own story, my own perspective and my own experiences - just like everyone. I do not claim for my views to be representative of the community, but I imagine many of you have shared in this pain.

I was 8 when I first had the size of my penis brought to attention, infront of the whole changing room. I had just got out of the pool and was doing as everyone else was - walking to the changing rooms, going for a shower and changing into my clothes. But this time I would be different. This time someone would look at my penis, and call out to the entire room "hahaha, look, he's got a maggot penis!". This was the moment in time where so much of my pain and anguish in life started, this was the point where my personal proportions would be made aware to others.

So now the whole room is pointing and laughing at me. I get dressed and leave as quickly as I can. Outside I see a teacher, and in my youthful ignorance, and decide to tell her what happened. I thought that would be that, I thought that was the beginning and end of that conflict. I have never been so wrong.

I didn't even make it home after school before I was forced to relive the embarassment. At the end of the day it was called out "Girls you may leave, all the boys stay behind.". This was the first time I can remember being so absolutely paralysed in fear. I knew what the teacher was going to say. And there was nothing I could do to avoid it.

"it has been brought to my attention that people have been making fun of the size of eachothers' penises... you should never judge someone for the size of their penis...blah blah blah... class dismissed". She meant well, but that didn't matter. It must have been 30 seconds, but 12 years later and I still get paralysed when I think back to then. My name wasn't mentioned, that made no difference. Sat there in silence, head in hands, un-able to move - it felt as if the eyes of everyone were on me. An entire room being told about the judgement of small penises, and all the attention on me.

And this is the pattern that follows. Ever since that day I have been at complete loss, socially, when it comes to anything to do with sex. Whenever someone talked about virginity, penis, girls... I just can't speak. I can not say a word, my voice seems to literally disappear. There can be no mention of my name, not the slightest hint at me, and still - I am paralysed, mute, and so alone. My hands are tied, my mouth won't open, and there is noone around. I am stuck in my own prison, I am my own prison.

This has affected me for every moment of my life. The constant readjustments of my undercarriadge, how I walk, how I talk, how I think about sex... But most of all, it stopped me dead in my tracks. I have been completely unable to move on. I can't engage in conversation without fear of subject change. I can't approach girls. I can't even fabricate my own desires without reminding myself of my insecurities. I can't even attempt to fantasize before being dragged into my own pit of self-loathing and helplessness. Whenever it comes to something of a sexual nature, I am still that 8 year old, paralysed in his chair, unable to move or speak, and lost with no-one to help.

This is a literal part of me that stopped working. It's been shut off, and the on switch doesn't exist anymore. I have so many wants that I can never fulfill. So many thoughts that never end. And a part of my body, that I'd prefer to not be a part of reality. This part of me exists to be tortured, ridiculed, and shamed. But it is a part of me, A part of me holding my entire being back.

As time goes on the torture becomes more painful, the ridicule becomes more frequent, and the shame gets heavier. It used to be a darkness I could hold at bay, differentiate from myself and live without confronting. But now this darkness consumes me. I know now that this is something that can not be ignored and needs resolving, but I've always known that.

I've always known that I need to confront it. But how do you confront this? I could change myself, I could lose weight, jelq, use pills... but as people love to point out "you can't make your penis bigger in the same way you can't get taller". Well, I can't change the world, I need to learn to accept it.

I must accept the fact that my genitaelia, will never be up to the part. The part of my being which represents masculinity and fertility, the part of my being that is supposed to be used for the pinaccle of the human experience - will NEVER be right. I can not accept this. I can not accept that this part of me should be the limiter of what I can achieve. And so in refusing to accept it, I force myself to tread the path I can not accept. There is no way out.

Along this path I have all my encounters. Along this path I carry all my burdens and I cannot lay them down to rest. In every interaction I have in the world, the weight of my burden bears down.

I was 18 before I finally got a girlfriend and lost my virginity, I was finally able to have some ease from the burden. She made me feel comfortable about my appendage, for a time. We broke up and I was single in university surrounded by girls. A young mans best dream isn't it? Hell, it was part of why I broke up with my girlfriend (view it as what you will, it's something I couldn't let go off). Well this was my worst nightmare.

I had cast aside the one pillar in the world that helped support my burden. And now while surrounded by so many horny young women, and full of hormones myself, opportunity was everywhere. And I could not take a single one. There was a girl who live in the flat opposite me, When I arrived at uni I thought she was the hottest girl on the block, we ended up going to a nightclub together. No, nothing happened. I didn't even kiss her. I knew I could. Everyone around knew I could. And I knew I wouldn't. It ended with us parting ways at the doorstep and me kicking myself for the rest of eternity for not taking the oppotunity.

A girl literally walked me into my room at 2 in the morning so I could "roll a fag", I knew what she meant. I rolled a fag each on my bed, stood up to leave, she grabbed my hand to pull me down - and still, I had to pull away. I couldn't do it. I couldn't face the reality, I just couldn't.

A little while later I lose some weight, gain some self confidence and start getting alot more attention from girls. Hell, I even ended up with a fuck buddy! Old me never would have imagined that happening. But the process up to that was a painful one, full of one way hints and awkward silences. Turns out I'm good at this sex thing. Despite What I, or others, feel about the size of my penis. This was a confidence boost, but no cure.

A little while later and I end up having sex with another girl, the lead up was awkward 'cus I'm weird like that, but damn it was good! She even said "You may be the yougest guy I've ever had, but noone's made me feel like this before!". YES! Never in my life have I felt so empowered, I thought that would be the end of my fears.

Next night with this girl, wasn't as good as the last, that's for sure. All is fine and then morning comes. Turns out in the night she had snapped a pic of my flaccid dick because it was just oh so hilarious. I'm a grower so while my erect size isn't too embarassing, my flaccid is literally the single most embarassing trait about me. Now my worst fear has come into reality, someone knows about my flaccid penis, has proof and is spreading it.

And now I'm at square one again, and I feel more lost and consumed than ever. I am determined to change my dick, and will do so with my own answers, hopefully. Despite knowing my performance in bed to be more than up to scratch and my erect length to not be considered below normal, I still have these demons. I am 6'3", 17 stone, muscular, smart, have a loving family, apparently good in bed, and everything going for me.

But I find that all these traits serve to further my pain. Because of one fact: my penis does not scale well with the rest of me, especially flaccid. What's considered normal for most is not considered normal for me. Every other characteristic I have signifies that I am well and capable of looking after myself. This is the expectation reality has of me, and the size of my penis. The one aspect of me that is usually hidden from the world, when brought into question brings my reality crashing down.

I originally started writing this because I felt that nothing I saw gave the plight of someone with such issues enough credit. Now I know I only did it for my own insecurities. This is the first time I have ventured outside of my own brain to discuss this topic... and I don't quite know how to end.

[Guest glennj]

Well you definitely fit in here. The obvious thing to say is if your erect size is fine and you're good at sex then what's the problem? but we all know the problem is your head not your penis.

Have you sought any kind of professional help? therapist? psychiatrist?

[malign]

Your experience also brings up what might be one of the most difficult questions for adults who hear about children being humiliated or bullied: how do you handle it?

Adult interventions like the one you describe may not have the desired effect at all. Cracking down on bullying by people who weren't involved often has the effect of intensifying it, so long as there are still opportunities for the bully to operate without being caught. The bully gets off on challenging authority, at least if authority doesn't know about it so that it can fight back fairly.

Do you have any ideas on how the situation might have been handled better?

[infrared_radiation]

By the way, her taking pics of your dick without your consent and spreading them around could be potentially illegal. Obviously laws vary by jurisdiction but it's something to consider.

[m.allen]

Hm, I would say this is a confidence issue more than anything. If your erect length is decently sized and you're good in bed regardless then who cares about the flaccid length? It sucks, but there are worse things in life.

I hope you can get out of your head enough to see that it's not that bad. That was a shitty move by that last girl, but I hope that doesn't ruin your sex life.

All the best dude.