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I'm so sorry


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I don't know what to write, what to say, I've said so much and yet nothing at all. The grief is overwhelming and I just keep screaming that I'm sorry and it just bounces back off the walls, you'll never hear me say it and I say it again and again. The more people learn about your death the more I have to come to accept the truth but I don't want to. I am not ready to say goodbye to you. I keep letting myself believe it's some sick joke but the reality is dogging my every move, a cloud hanging over my head. I feel sick to my stomach. You'll have been gone a week tomorrow. I can't let this be true. I don't know how to live now. I don't know. You would have been 21 this summer. Your 20th birthday, you could have spent it with anyone, but you chose me, and you took away my yellow hat to make sure I'd come back. But I was angry with you over something, something that seemed so intolerable in life yet so insignificant in death. You apologized and I never forgave you. I cared about you more than you knew and I just wish I'd have been there for you. You killed yourself thinking that I didn't care. Your death is eating me alive, it's tearing up my heart. Please come back.

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