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Would like an insight on what's going on


Otter
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I guess Anxiety forum is the thing,but feel free to correct me if I am in the wrong place

So I am 24 now and I started having these panick issues.I will tell a bit of background so you know.

When I was 18 I left my country to study abroad in Switzerland.My mom's dream was that I stay there but I didn't because of my ex-boyfriend.She was mad but well,I loved him so I came back home and waited for him to find a job or an option for us to be together.She always used to tell me I should have found a husband there for a citizenship or even marry a gay man so it will count as "fake marriage". Then I decided to follow my ex to Canada and to study there,and afterwards to live there with him.But I broke up with him before leaving as he turned out to be a great asshole.The money was paid already so I was leaving anyway but I met my bf,with whom I have been for 2 years already by now.And of course I did not want to go to Canada because my ex was also going to be in the same city,but since tutition fee was paid,I left.After a year I came back because I started having really bad depression there and well,my mother is even more furious as ever.She hates my bf,always tries to push me out of the country (I know its for better but her methods are bad) and keeps telling me what a huge mistake I made.

I found a job in my country and then because of financial crisis I got fired.My granny died few days after my boss told me that.For a month I was just procrastinating and then anxiety just hit me.Even though I started looking for a job and found a part-time one for now (I am a waitress) something still bothers me.I feel useless.I started doubting in myself, whether I really love my bf or whether my mother was right when she kept telling me he is not my match and that I should look for better (and she always says how bad he is and that its not for a long time between us).I am very scared I may leave him (even though there are totally no reasons for that).I am scared this relationship may end as the previous two did (and I considered them perfect too).

I understand with my mind that before my partners were not too good and that now I can be myself and that I am truly happy.But at the same time I just have these minor panick attacks from nowhere.I may be sipping tea with my bf,look at him and start thinking that maybe my feelings are fading.Then in few minutes I start feeling overwhelming love towards him again and then again panick.I doubt in myself because I am scared I may be wrong,because I am scared the past stories may happen again when I broke up with my partners.

I just want to make sure that this panick comes from my head,but not because my relationship is bad.In fact I really can't think of a single thing I don't like about my boyfriend.I only hate myself for not giving him my full love and attention that he deserves.

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