farewell

[Resolute]

they say all good thigs must come to an end, but for some of us there are no "good things", so a relevant question would be: must all bad things also come to an end? i guess the answer would be: yes, eventually; but sometimes you must wait many decades before you're delivered from your misery and suffering. for some of us, that simply won't do.

i would estimate that my life has been 94% pain, 3% joy/pleasure, and 3% somewhere in between pain and pleasure; which is why i have come to the conclusion that i can no longer tolerate this unbearable existence, and must take extreme measures to end my suffering; and the only way to achieve that is by exiting this world, regardless of where i end up; therefore, after much deliberation, planning, and preparation, i have decided that i will try my best to end my "life" before the 20th of may, and my last presence on this site will be on the 15th of may.

i'm happy to have met and befriended many of you. i know that i have my moments, but i'd like to think that my time on this site has had a more positive effect than a negative one; for others that is.

i genuinely thank those who have cared enough about me to attempt helping me with their advice, arguments, kind words, or just lending an ear and sympathizing with me.

i sincerely apologize to anyone whom i may have hurt, upset, or offended, directly or indirectly; i am truly sorry.

i've enjoyed my time on this site, for the most part, and i thank irmajean and malign for making this possible.

as a final note, i'd like to say that this decision is final, and i ask that no one try to talk me out of it; at least not in this thread.

thank you all for putting up with me. i wish everyone peace and happiness.

[Guest RandomDude]

...the only way to achieve that is by exiting this world, regardless of where i end up; therefore, after much deliberation, planning, and preparation, i have decided that i will try my best to end my "life" before the 20th of may, and my last presence on this site will be on the 15th of may.. ... ..as a final note, i'd like to say that this decision is final, and i ask that no one try to talk me out of it; at least not in this thread.

Okay, not to talk you out or anything. BUT. I was thinking (correct me if I'm wrong) That I read some past posts of yours where you said you were a religious guy, a Christian, and that kind of stuff, yeah?

Well, how is self-killing (and presumably a one way ticket to hell) going to be compatible with those beliefs?

Don't get me wrong: I'm not making light of your problems (whatever they exactly are) I know life can be a sh*tty, lonely, hopeless, f**ked up experience. I'm guessing most people at this site get that.

But suicide likely isn't the answer. I can't be, dammit.

[IrmaJean]

Resolute, I am listening and I care.

I hope you change your mind and keep yourself safe.

[Resolute]

thank you beth; i know you care.

[Guest Klingsor]

Resolute,

I am going to respect your wishes and not try and talk you out of your plans here. I will say that I am going to dearly miss you on the forum, and I probably will stop visiting if you go, in all honesty. It has been very comforting for me (as strange as it may sound) to see your name on the active user list when nobody else was here. There are many times that I surf the site and I am not logged on or making comments, and it was comforting to me to see someone else here on a Friday or Saturday night, even if you weren't perhaps looking at anything at that particular time.

I want to apologize for all the squabbles and hateful things I said to you when I first came here. Having gotten to know you somewhat (as well as one can get to know anybody through an internet forum), I believe I am more similar to you than anyone else here, at least as far as our thought patterns go, and I consider you a friend (and I don't have many of those). We are both Absolutists and are imprisoned in the logic of this reality we see all around us; to convince us otherwise would take more than what is typically offered to people in terrible mental states. Having said that, I totally understand where you are coming from and how you have arrived at this conclusion based on years and years of dissatisfaction, bad circumstances, and trying and failing to obtain what you set out to do by having reality slam another door in your face. I totally get that.

It would be selfish of me to attempt to dissuade you from anything and prolong a misery that only you are experiencing simply for my own sake. However, I will ask that you please consider this very carefully in the coming days. As low and as crazy and hopeless as I feel sometimes, I still find small things that make me happy in life, even if only periodically. But the ups and downs of this are often exhausting.

Whatever you decide, I sincerely pray that nothing I've said in negativity has caused you greater grief. If it has, I am truly sorry for it. You are a kind person, you make people feel welcome here, and you are an excellent debater. You have a spunk and vitality that I will miss if you go, as I am sure many others will too.

I wish you Godspeed in your life, resolute, whatever you choose to do with it. Obviously, I enthusiastically hope you decide against what you're planning, but if you don't, then perhaps we will meet again someday; I would enjoy debating with you in another time and another place. I am always here to PM.

“Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art… It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival.”

- C.S. Lewis

[Resolute]

thank you so much klingsor; this means a lot to me.

i often feel quite pathetic seeing my name on the active members' list so frequently, without anyone else being there. i guess it just shows how big a loser i really am. before you say anything, i'll tell that you had/have nothing to do with how i feel about this.

needless to say, i completely agree with your second paragraph, and couldn't have said it better myself.

i am a great debater aren't i?

also, i'd be grateful if i could quote your post.

[Resolute]

Resolute,

I am going to respect your wishes and not try and talk you out of your plans here. I will say that I am going to dearly miss you on the forum, and I probably will stop visiting if you go, in all honesty. It has been very comforting for me (as strange as it may sound) to see your name on the active user list when nobody else was here. There are many times that I surf the site and I am not logged on or making comments, and it was comforting to me to see someone else here on a Friday or Saturday night, even if you weren't perhaps looking at anything at that particular time.

I want to apologize for all the squabbles and hateful things I said to you when I first came here. Having gotten to know you somewhat (as well as one can get to know anybody through an internet forum), I believe I am more similar to you than anyone else here, at least as far as our thought patterns go, and I consider you a friend (and I don't have many of those). We are both Absolutists and are imprisoned in the logic of this reality we see all around us; to convince us otherwise would take more than what is typically offered to people in terrible mental states. Having said that, I totally understand where you are coming from and how you have arrived at this conclusion based on years and years of dissatisfaction, bad circumstances, and trying and failing to obtain what you set out to do by having reality slam another door in your face. I totally get that.

It would be selfish of me to attempt to dissuade you from anything and prolong a misery that only you are experiencing simply for my own sake. However, I will ask that you please consider this very carefully in the coming days. As low and as crazy and hopeless as I feel sometimes, I still find small things that make me happy in life, even if only periodically. But the ups and downs of this are often exhausting.

Whatever you decide, I sincerely pray that nothing I've said in negativity has caused you greater grief. If it has, I am truly sorry for it. You are a kind person, you make people feel welcome here, and you are an excellent debater. You have a spunk and vitality that I will miss if you go, as I am sure many others will too.

I wish you Godspeed in your life, resolute, whatever you choose to do with it. Obviously, I enthusiastically hope you decide against what you're planning, but if you don't, then perhaps we will meet again someday; I would enjoy debating with you in another time and another place. I am always here to PM.

“Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art… It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival.”

- C.S. Lewis

i can delete it if you're uncomfortable, klingsor.

[Resolute]

thank you small; i wish you the best as well. take care of yourself.

[Resolute]

hi ken; i'm happy to hear that you're doing a bit better, and i hope your condition continues to improve. also, thank you so much for your concern and being upset for me; i'm truly touched.

"beth's word", yes i remember, lol indeed; and "two-for", good one ken .

sometimes there's room to make a small change, and then another; but i doubt it's possible in my case. not that i'm interested in miniscule changes that may or may not amount to anything significant when i'm 80. i have never known youth or health. i was robbed of both; and i'll be damned if i don't at least try to stop the suffering.

chances of me dying by getting it by a truck -or by any other means- any time soon, and dying, are negligible. yes i could get hit by a truck and become paralyzed, that's extremely possible.

fortunately i'm not that close to any family or friends, so my death wouldn't cause that much pain.

i'm very grateful that you put in so much time in effort in your post, ken, i really appreciate it; and of course i don't wanna leave you guys, but i'm afraid my situation is quite hopeless; and believe me, that's not "the depression" talking. trust me, there are no "practical" solutions to my problems; i know because i've searched for decades, and my suffering has only increased. i don't wanna stick around to see just how much pain god has in store for me.

upsetting you and others is the last thing i wanna do, but... what can i say...? i'm truly sorry my friend.

[Jeep]

Make sure you are not enabling this suicide. Stop and think for a moment:

this is a human being who is planning his death,

do you really want to be a part of this?

Is that the type of friend you want to be?

You are ill resolute, please get help. Things can get better and things do get better for many people in situations similar and probably worse than yours.

Edit: I am sorry if that sounded sanctimonious.

[Guest Klingsor]

I don't think anyone is enabling or encouraging resolute to commit suicide; I would give anything to successfully talk him out of this. Resolute, for the record, it is not my intent to encourage you in this. Of course I would recommend you reach out to someone, anyone where you live for help, if only to keep you safe for a while longer. This goes without saying.

No one here will think any bit the less of you for having IrmaJean or Malign rename this topic "I'm Back". In fact, everybody would welcome it. I'm simply trying to respect your wishes and not cause added distress or annoyance. I honestly don't know what to say anymore. None of us want you to go or think you must to go. I hope you can get help.

[IrmaJean]

One of the cool things about my therapy is that a lot of it is written down. I want to look through my therapy notes (pages that I wrote to my therapist and brought to sessions) and find the part when I began to allow different thoughts. Perhaps I might share that here. I do recall that it was very distressful at the time, but eventually all of the difficult work lead to a healthier outlook and healing.

I think that reaching out for help is a good idea. Absolute thinking, I feel, could lead any of us into a depression. You might not be able to see hope right now. We can hold onto that for you until the day you are able to see it. There is a means to loosen thoughts, with the help of a professional perhaps, and possibly relieve some of the pain you are feeling.

We want you to be safe, resolute.

[Resolute]

thank you all for your kind words and your compassion. i'll reply in some detail later.

[mts]

Res,

I've come to look forward to speaking to you on here. I am so awkward but you always make me feel like a normal person. Which is quite remarkable because that is usually not the case.

I dare say you have become like a close friend.

I'm not sure that I can say goodbye but I am here to acknowledge your farewell. If you are not here I will miss you.

I will always be here to chat and debate and I do think there are always answers worth searching for but I will respect your wishes and not argue in this thread.

I hope you will be ok.

Take care,

mts.

[Resolute]

Make sure you are not enabling this suicide. Stop and think for a moment:

this is a human being who is planning his death,

do you really want to be a part of this?

Is that the type of friend you want to be?

You are ill resolute, please get help. Things can get better and things do get better for many people in situations similar and probably worse than yours.

Edit: I am sorry if that sounded sanctimonious.

i'm not a child, and no one can enable or deny me anything; except god of course, who has never allowed me to do anything, nor has he ever given me anything but pain, suffering, and misery.

i know of many cases where things could have, and did get worse, much worse; but i have yet to see anything substantial where someone actually healed from anything, physical, or psychological; and believe me, i've looked. again, i'm not interested in theoretical stuff, or bandage type solutions, or being pumped full of drugs to levels where a person no longer has any actual awareness of what's real and what's not. good luck to anyone interested in such approaches, or things like progressive "treatments" that go on for decades.

i believe that existence shouldn't be painful, let alone unbearable, otherwise why in the world would anyone wanna exist?

again, i appreciate your concern, but take my word for it, nothing short of a miracle can change my mind, and i'm not holding my breath (no pun intended) for any miracle.

[Resolute]

One of the cool things about my therapy is that a lot of it is written down. I want to look through my therapy notes (pages that I wrote to my therapist and brought to sessions) and find the part when I began to allow different thoughts. Perhaps I might share that here. 1- I do recall that it was very distressful at the time, but eventually all of the difficult work lead to a healthier outlook and healing.

2- I think that reaching out for help is a good idea. Absolute thinking, I feel, could lead any of us into a depression. You might not be able to see hope right now. We can hold onto that for you until the day you are able to see it. There is a means to loosen thoughts, with the help of a professional perhaps, and possibly relieve some of the pain you are feeling.

3- We want you to be safe, resolute.

1- ballpark, how long till one heals completely? half a century? a whole century? maybe 2, or 3 centuries? give me an estimate. you know what the problem is beth? the problem is that unlike you, i don't see anything that's not to my satisfaction as a gift, and i never will. so to be in absolute pain for decades, then start some "therapy" that "heals" me at a rate of 1% per year, is clearly nothing more than a mockery, and an insult to my dignity and intelligence.

2- a professional? a professional what? professional idiot? also refer to above answer.

3- thank you, and i apologize if this post is somewhat harsh. take care beth.

[Resolute]

@ klingsor, like i said to jeep, no enables or "disables" me; so don't worry about it.

@ small, thank you for thinking so highly of me, and even though i don't feel i deserve such praise, i'll still take it . you're expressive & eloquent as usual. it's been a pleasure knowing you as well.

[Resolute]

thank you mts; you're too kind. i also consider you a friend, and it won't be easy saying goodbye to you all. i wish things were different for all of us.

[Resolute]

Who the fuck works two Saturdays straight

perhaps someone who makes the senior psychologist at work, look limited.

[Resolute]

Oh yah, I'm Batman.

anne hathaway was hot in "dark knight rises". did you hit that?

[IrmaJean]

Res, there is no way to know how long it may or will take a person to heal. Some things can't easily be measured. Using words like 'never' makes it so. Possibly it's true, though, and you won't see things as a gift. It doesn't have to be a gift. You view the world differently and that is okay.

Why such a negative view about therapy? Where is that coming from? Have you had a bad experience with it? It isn't for everyone, this is true, but it is something to possibly try.

[Resolute]

i don't really have much experience with therapy, i just think it's a scam. nothing but wasting people's time, while emptying their pockets. though, it might be of limited benefit to a minority of people.

i might not dispute the effectiveness of some of psychology's diagnostic methods (to an extent, and only by very capable psychoanalysts), the capacity to address the diagnosed problems effectively on the other hand is another matter, and one that i strongly dispute.

[Resolute]

Put it this way, the dark knight wasn't the only thing that was rising know what I mean *elbow nudge*

you lucky dog.

[Resolute]

you nailed the villainess too, didn't you?

[Resolute]

you're a very bad bat.