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I genuinely have no where to go

Fighting Fragile

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I am someone with a history of depression and suicide attempts. I don't think I'll ever be totally happy, but I am past the worst of it. It's just who I am at this point. However I'm travelling. I'm halfway across the globe from my family and friends, and staying with grandparents I have spent very little time with. I don't know them.

My grandmother over the past 3/4 days has seemed to have some sort of breakdown or something and has started viciously attacking me verbally and then will stand and sob for 2 hours afterwards and apologies. This is becoming a pattern. I am chronically unwell with an auto immune disorder which I have learned to live with. There is no cure, it is highly unlikely I will be able to conceive. I am in overwhelming pain when I become unwell and have so far undergone 2 surgeries. This is something that is just me, my life, it's been 6 years and I get ill, but it's not something that emotionally has much of an impact on me any more. However, when politely declining something yesterday because I was feeling unwell my Grandmother turned on me. Talking to me with such venom, in a way no one has ever spoken to me in my life, and accused me of 'playing games' with her. For me, dealing with everything that comes with my condition, having a family member accuse me of playing games with them and calling me names and standing and accusing me of making this up to psychologically have the upper hand is inexcusable. I have lost a job and 2 places of education to this disorder, and to have family accuse me with such venom, and such coldness, is heartbreaking. Then, she spent the next 3 hours holding onto me and sobbing and telling me she was heartbroken, that I was supposed to turn up vibrant and healthy. She sobbed. I can't then say anything to her about her treatment of me, because as much as I'd like to, having an old lady hang on to you and sob is like nothing I've ever dealt with. She'll say I'm having a terrible time and I hate it, and I spend an hour reassuring her after her flying off the handle with me. This has happened 3 times now. The rest or the time she has spent crying and begging forgiveness. Honestly, after 3 days, I am genuinely struggling. I have no where else to go. I am starting to get some of the feelings of total desperation and then hopelessness from my days with depression and it has been a long time since they have surfaced. I understand that reading it back, it will simply sound like a case of, just tell her to piss off. But honestly, she will stand and cry and I can't. I just can't. She gets so desperate, it's not something you can even understand unless you're stood with someone hanging off you and wailing.

Really, the problem is I think through my options, realise I have nothing else until I leave in a few weeks, and just become desperate. I am so unhappy. Then that moves on to just hopelessness . I don't know what to do with myself, I don't know where I can go. Then I get to the point where my brain just goes 'that's simple, just OD', which is frustrating because I can see it happening and see its not the normal jump, but it is something I struggled with a long time ago. And if I'm here for a few weeks, and can see my reactions aren't normal, that worries me.

I feel bad. I feel sick to the stomach, she says she's heart broken and begs to start over and I feel bad, yet it all comes from her speaking to me in a way no one should ever talk to anyone. And so I feel so guilty and helpless, and anything will set her off. There is no where I can go. I haven't even managed to explain myself well here because there is so much to the story of the last few days and I think about it and it starts to crush me and I end up at - what's the point. I literally can't remove myself from the situation and it's going to break me, and I worked very hard for a long time to get out of that place 4 years ago. I can't afford to fall back, especially when I'm watching it happen.

I am desperate. Any words appreciated. I can see my reactions aren't normal, but I'm at the point where I'm struggling to catch my breath. They're very real reactions. I can't afford for this to happen and I am soul crushed and pitiful and desperate because I don't know what to do.

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Welcome to the community, Fighting Fragile. I'm sorry you are in such distress. :( I'm here and listening.

I hear you that it is very difficult to cope when another person is being verbally aggressive. Can you try to put up a boundary when your grandmother begins to yell? Try taking a space back and separating yourself from her anger, if you can. I understand that is not always easy. If she is elderly, she could be struggling with some dementia or possibly she is in pain or feels fear. I cared for my elderly father for some time and despite his gentle nature, there are times now when he will lash out at me. Though this can be painful, I am aware that this is not really who he is and it doesn't reflect in any way on me. If the difficulty with your grandmother is new, would it be possible to take her to a physician? There might be something happening neurologically that could be helped with medication. Are you able to take some time for yourself away from her or does she need 24 hour care and supervision?

I think it's very important to remember to take for yourself. Try too, if you can, to be gentle and compassionate with yourself. It helps me to be aware of my self-talk. How can you soothe and take care of yourself through this struggle?

I hope things look brighter for you soon, FF. Please take care.

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