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My mind can't relax - I am suffering terribly, I want to break free!


Pluto
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Hello!

I really don't know how to begin: I am suffering! Right now, and in every minute.

I am afraid, that I might be wrong. When I have a problem, or when I think about something, I am afraid, that my thoughts/etc. could be wrong. When I find a solution, I am extremely satisfied. But then I think "But it could be wrong as well, because of this and this" and it starts from the beginning. The problems I have are thinking problems. When I hear about Communism for example, I think why could this be wrong. And then, after I've found a solution, then another thought pops up in my head saying "But what's when..." and it lasts for about 5 hours (the longest period was two days!). I do not even know why I am thinking about Communism (just one of a few examples) and why I continue to think. Maybe because of perfectionism. Maybe I want to be "perfect" and to "know everything and to be right in every matter". Yes, I use logic thoughts. I mean: When I think about Communism e.g., I try to think extremely logically. I try to avoid fallacies. Indeed, when I talk about it with my friends, my friends do not know how to argue with me, because they don't know any opposite argument. They say, that I had to be a politician or something like this. But this is the deep reality of such a person: Your thoughts are not leaving your head. You wake up, and you start to thing about such situations. You sleep, so you dream about it. Everyday I have an enormous headache because of this. And my problem is: I don't know how to stop it. I don't know how to think normally, literally. When I talk about it to my parents (about my thoughts), they're just like: "Why you are thinking about those pointless situations" (My thoughts are going deeper, and deeper, and deeper, and at one point, they're deep enough to not be understood by 99% of the people). One example is: "What if you imagine that the 'dictatorship of the proletariat' is originally meant as a metaphor and it only means that you have to make taxes higher up to 50 per cent?". I know, it's a kinda strange example, but these thoughts are like this. And when I found a very strong contra-argument, I start to worry extremely, I become angry, afraid of the whole situation, it's just like a whole world is going down. Not a good feeling. And it only ends when I have found a solution. Because I think, I can never be happy. I can never enjoy a movie because I've not thought a thing to the end. This thing ruins my life. I cannot enjoy anything just because I cannot rest from my thoughts, they're hunting me and when they find me, I have to thing about this topic. And even when I've found a solution, I think about it over and over again, just "to feel that I'm right". Really, I want to be normal again. It is one of the worst "diseases" you can have, I wish it to no one! I've also made a personality test (Myers-Briggs Type Indicator) online. The result: INTJ. T (for thinking): 100% It sounds cool but it really isn't.

I tried to distract myself, but with no results: Every time I want to begin making something productive, I start thinking. And then, I just lay on my bed (or go up and down) and think for the next 3-5 hours. And I cannot stop because "I'm too deep in this crap". My problem is that I cannot accept the fact that I actually don't know a solution/something for a topic. And it makes me feel helpless, like the world end is just coming up. Like if a world is just broken down like glass. It's difficult to describe, I tried once to stop thinking about this. There was a moment where I said to myself: "Just stop thinking, f**k it". Eight hours later, I couldn't fall asleep because I had this thoughts in my head. Through the whole eight hours, the thoughts didn't go. The thoughts were more quiet, but this didn't help. The thoughts are only gone when I've solved the problem. Another time, I'd found another problem right before going to bed. I could only sleep for 5 hours and this was the worst sleep you can imagine. In the next morning, I found the solution at last.

I also have problems with studying and writing exams, just due to my thinking-problem. I lack in concentration so bad that I literally write crap on my paper (every time I get the test I just ask myself: "WTF I've written!?").

I also have the feeling that I need to write when this thing has started:

It was 1,5 years before, I guess. Before, I was fine. I had my dog-phobia (I have it as far as I remember), but I wasn't interested in thinking/problems/... I was just a normal guy who wanted to have fun. Then, I felt in love with a girl. The problems: She was two years younger than me (it is not so bad, I know, but come on: a 15 year old guy and a 13 year old girlfriend?) and she was the sister of a good friend of mine (so I didn't even tell anyone that I'd been in love with her, because I didn't want to ruin my friendship with him). So, I gave her up. De jure. De facto: not. I was so extremely in love, every time, I saw her, I felt to the ground, because my knees were just like pudding. I started to search on the internet if someone asked a question with the words "love" and "boy". The 16 hours I was awake, I probably spent 3 of them just searching after "her question". I wasn't in love anymore, I was limerent. Then, on February 24th 2014, I saw her with her boyfriend cuddling. Since then, I was destroyed. This crap f**ked myself. I was depressed, really depressed. I really had to take medicine (my parents do not know about this story, I started to take it as I developed sleep problems). After that, I've felt normal. But during this dark period, I've developed unusual thinking-habits. I started to interest myself in politics/economics/philosophy/..., the themes, I use to think about it a lot. Then, some months ago, I had a kinda traumatic experience: I wanted to inform myself about anarchism, and then, I've found arguments for anarchy which I couldn't answer. It hit me so hard that I didn't know what to do (like a shock). I could find a solution to it, but it was so shocking for me that I've developed the main problems since then. 1,5 years ago, I wouldn't react in this way. I think, that the first dilemma was for being emotionally unstabile and the second one to be mentally unstabile. Now I am here, I probably know more about those themes I've mentioned as my classmates, and I hate it.

I want to go to the forest and to look at trees without questioning the evolution. You understand? Everything is a trigger for me. I want "to live", not "to think". Because when you live, you are present. And when you think, you are in your mind. Two worlds. Brah. But, for example, when I go through the forest and I see some trees, and when I actually start to question evolution (just an example), the first thoughts hit me like Mike Tyson Alan in "The Hangover". They're literally knockouting me. Like: "Oh no you have to think no time for life". And then they're saying: "We only let you out when you've found a solution". Of course, I do not hear voices in my mind, I mean it kinda metaphoric. And the craziest thing is: I let them in and I listen to them. I don't know, why it hits me so hard. I really think because of the two dilemmas. I hope, you can understand me better now.

It's like worrying too much about a topic, but you cannot see that it's (the worries) pointless because you want to find this solution for a topic. And when you do not find a solution for it, you feel like sh**. Like your inner balance is gone. Example: I see a tree and ask myself: "What if evolution is wrong?". Then I develop theories about creationism. Then I ask myself: "But what about theological evolution?". Then I think further. And then, at a certain point, I get a thought that seems kinda insolvable. "What when Darwin has actually written some information about theological evolution? What when he's hidden a necessary god in his theory?". And then, I do some research, but usually, I never find anything. Then, I think about it, how it exactly was. It's like solving a sudoku with 17 filled boxes (as far as I know it's the necessary number to solve a sudoku-puzzle). You have very little information and you try to figure the history out just with this information. And that's the point where it starts (sometimes my first thought is this insolvable question/theory): You're not in peace till you've solved. You know that feeling, when you play a video game and you cannot win. Imagine, what if you stop playing this video game without wining this level? Shitty feeling, right? And imagine it 100 times stronger. You're not even close to this I must feel. I really hope you understood me now. (And yes, I do think about evolution (because I'm interested in theology and it's a contrast to it), as I've stated, I think about philosophy, theology, politics and economics). Maybe it's not anxiety, but it feels like this.

​I hope you can understand me and that you can help me!

(I am not a native speaker - Sorry for my English)

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Hello, Pluto, welcome!

(I'm not a native speaker either, BTW. And I think your English is very good - there's no need to worry or apologize!)

Thanks for sharing your story and explaining your problems and feelings. I'm not sure we can actually help you, but I hope you'll receive some inspirational feedback that could lead you to overcoming / solving your problem. So, here are some of my thoughts about it, rather randomly put:

First of all, my main impression is that you've developed a kind of obsessive disorder. There is nothing bad or wrong about thinking about the issues you're thinking about (on the contrary; those are all important topics and it's good when intelligent, open, and bright minds like yours are willing to contribute to philosophy and other fields!), the problem is the extent to which this affects your mind and the emotions it brings to you. I don't think the solution would be to quit thinking about those things (forcing yourself to stop would be not only unsuccessful but also aggravating the problem (reinforcing the obsession), as you've probably already noticed). So, what would be my advise? In my opinion, you need a good "talking" psychotherapy and also a consultation with a psychiatrist who could perhaps suggest some medication that can help to overcome anxiety and obsession (often it takes some time (several months or even years) to find a med that "works well for you", but... isn't it worth trying?). The medication would make your every-day life easier (by attenuating the strong negative feelings) and the psychotherapy would teach you some coping strategies against the obsessive thoughts and the anxiety and it would also possibly help you understand better some underlying problems that helped to cause and maintain your obsession. I hope there's therapy available for you where you live...

Now some comments to some of what you mentioned:

Maybe I want to be "perfect" and to "know everything and to be right in every matter".

This is definitely something that psychotherapy can help with! Why is it important for you to know everything and to be right? Can you "go deeper" and see what's hiding behind it? I guess you might want to have a full control of your life, to feel absolutely safe. So... why you're feeling so much "unsafe" now? I believe there is a way to find a healthier approach to life and its dangers as well as to death.

Also; you might want to be right in every case because you haven't been respected as a child, your opinions were too often dismissed, rejected, ... so you developed a deep sense of injustice and you seek some kind of "revenge": "I'll show you all that I'm right, that I can figure everything out!"

You see; these are all just my associations, "fantasies"; the reality might be different, but I want to show you what I mean by exploring the underlying problems in therapy. It takes time and just discovering the problem doesn't make it disappear, but it's a necessary start to change for better.

I want "to live", not "to think". Because when you live, you are present. And when you think, you are in your mind. Two worlds.

I like this insight very much! It's great that you're so well aware of this; it's surely a good part of the motivation to be treated and get healed. Motivation is key :).

You have very little information and you try to figure the history out just with this information.

This makes me think: Yes, so maybe a part of the coping with your problem could be to acknowledge more/better that you don't have enough information. You may think a lot but it's very improbable that you'd come with "something new" that anybody haven't written before. To do that, you'd need to know what others have already written about those issues - and that takes a lot of time (not just some internet searches). I know that emotionally this is hard or impossible to accept (that's also why you'd need therapy), but it might be helpful at least for your rational mind to realize it: Instead of thinking so much, it could help to read more books (and possibly also some other resources). ...

I remember when I was a teenager, I also used to prefer to think a lot about many issues and come with my own "solutions" and "my own, proper opinions" (I was just lucky I didn't obsess about it and never was anxious about being right etc.) - I wanted to find out what "my uninfluenced opinions" were, before reading what others thought. Perhaps you can somehow relate to that (?). Anyway; it wasn't really a problem for me, but later I realized that... it was a bit a waste of time and it was a shame that I hadn't read more during that time; my thoughts could have been much enriched. I think what I want to say here is that you may be quite often obsessing about not knowing something that is already known, you just haven't heard/read about it. How does that make you feel?

I'm looking forward to your answers. Good luck and take care!

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And... BTW; to see how the contemporary philosophical debates about communism are complicated, you might have a look at some of the work of Slavoj Zizek. Here are some "random" links:

http://www.newstatesman.com/culture/culture/2012/09/unbearable-lightness-slavoj-zizeks-communism

http://www.abc.net.au/tv/bigideas/stories/2011/11/01/3352502.htm

I don't want to increase your problem with thinking at all, of course, so if this is a big trigger for you, don't look at it, please. I post it because I think it might perhaps be somehow useful to show you that it's all even more complicated than you can imagine now. Perhaps that could be a way to stop the over-thinking and/or to motivate you even more to seek professional help for the anxieties and the underlying problems.

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Thanks for your answer!

I don't think the solution would be to quit thinking about those things (forcing yourself to stop would be not only unsuccessful but also aggravating the problem (reinforcing the obsession), as you've probably already noticed). So, what would be my advise? In my opinion, you need a good "talking" psychotherapy and also a consultation with a psychiatrist who could perhaps suggest some medication that can help to overcome anxiety and obsession (often it takes some time (several months or even years) to find a med that "works well for you", but... isn't it worth trying?).

So basically cognitive behavioral therapy, so that I can think in an other way about my thoughts and as a result of this, I can be in peace with myself?

Why is it important for you to know everything and to be right? Can you "go deeper" and see what's hiding behind it? I guess you might want to have a full control of your life, to feel absolutely safe. So... why you're feeling so much "unsafe" now? I believe there is a way to find a healthier approach to life and its dangers as well as to death.

An interesting point which I want to share with you:

1) To know everything and to be right: I was in primary school and since the first day, I was jealous of a friend of mine, who was extremely good at school. I was jealous of him until I was 13 (!). I just felt like a beta male, like a second class person which can never get so good grades/... like him.

2) If I can go deeper (in this way: to analyze it deeper): My father thinks that I was always sensitive to criticism. Every time, I heard some criticism, I was nearly crying or something like that. Maybe this is because of my former jealousness. And now, when I hear an opposite opinion (linked to political/... topics), which I cannot disprove, I give him (the one who said the opposite opinion) practically all rights about my emotions and as a result, I feel like beta, "again". (I know that it is really not common to say if someone is a beta or alpha male, but I really don't know another description). 1,5 years ago, I was like: "Yeah that's your opinion and I don't give a f**k" and now: "Oh no, you are right, I really give a f**k, ...". That is my theory.

Also; you might want to be right in every case because you haven't been respected as a child, your opinions were too often dismissed, rejected, ... so you developed a deep sense of injustice and you seek some kind of "revenge": "I'll show you all that I'm right, that I can figure everything out!"

Yeah as I've stated it was kinda like this.

I like this insight very much! It's great that you're so well aware of this; it's surely a good part of the motivation to be treated and get healed. Motivation is key :).

I don't know if I can tell here a title of a movie, when so, please censor it (the name of the movie).

When I was 14, I discovered a movie maker called Harmony Corine. He's made a film called "Gummo". I liked the style of this movie. It showed me, in some scenes (especially the end scene), how life really feels like. The movie itself is kinda strange, but I was really into this movie. I'd say this movie was a great step in my personal growing, because it showed me how to see and how to feel life (not in the strange scenes, but in scenes like the end scene) and it introduced me into Stoner Doom Metal, my favorite music genre till now. I recommend to watch the last scene of this movie (it is easily to find on YouTube) and just to feel the scene. It's like a lesson you get but without words, a wordless lesson about life. This movie was my life orientation till I felt in love with this girl. What I can tell: My mind has literally changed 180° since I felt in love! Before, I thought in another way, I saw things in another way, I had more fun, ... My goal is to have exactly the same mind as before, but I don't know how I can go out of this. It's like you dig in minecraft and you've lost the orientation. I think that the more I want to go out of this state the less success I have.

This makes me think: Yes, so maybe a part of the coping with your problem could be to acknowledge more/better that you don't have enough information. You may think a lot but it's very improbable that you'd come with "something new" that anybody haven't written before. To do that, you'd need to know what others have already written about those issues - and that takes a lot of time (not just some internet searches). I know that emotionally this is hard or impossible to accept (that's also why you'd need therapy), but it might be helpful at least for your rational mind to realize it: Instead of thinking so much, it could help to read more books (and possibly also some other resources). ...

It could help, but I have to be careful: When I read a creationism-book, it can be disproven by darwinists. And the opposite. So, they're arguing like "the glass is half-full" "No! The glass is half-empty", ... So I have to be careful. I avoid reading this type of books just because of their argumentation, I try to figure it out by the facts I can easily google. Because they are necessarily true (simple fact: Mutation exists).

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And... BTW; to see how the contemporary philosophical debates about communism are complicated, you might have a look at some of the work of Slavoj Zizek. Here are some "random" links:

http://www.newstates...izeks-communism

http://www.abc.net.a.../01/3352502.htm

I don't want to increase your problem with thinking at all, of course, so if this is a big trigger for you, don't look at it, please. I post it because I think it might perhaps be somehow useful to show you that it's all even more complicated than you can imagine now. Perhaps that could be a way to stop the over-thinking and/or to motivate you even more to seek professional help for the anxieties and the underlying problems.

I know him haha :D

BTW, I've just read about this and I think it might be interesting for you, too:

http://www.apa.org/m...d-thoughts.aspx

http://www.wjh.harva.../~wegner/ip.htm

:)

Thanks!

BTW: What I mean by this another state of mind: 1,5 years ago, I was fully in peace. I didn't even try to be in peace. Now, I guess, I'd have to be a shaolin monk to be in peace.

BTW2: Just hearing of him is a trigger for me

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Thanks for sharing more! :)

I don't have time to write anymore now, but I'd like at least share some more links, perhaps related to some of your issues, too:

http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2013/06/29/repetition-compulsion-why-do-we-repeat-the-past/

http://www.positivehealth.com/article/holistic-psychotherapy/freedom-from-self-sabotage-fulfilling-your-potential

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Thanks for the links!

I've bought natural medicine today to calm me down from this OCD (or whatever this is; natural medicine because I am not permitted to buy any chemical "anti-stress" medicine in my country). It makes me calmer, yeah, I don't feel this headache, it eliminates the looks of my thoughts of a wild wolf. Nevertheless, the thoughts are still present, but I'd say less than usually. But completely free: No, I feel more like a prisoner who only has to be 15 hours in his cell not 23 hours.

I don't want to be like this "inner peace guys" who are like Buddha. I want to be the guy I was before! Free from this OCD, I want to break free.... Sometimes I think that I'm kinda schizophrenic: When I do not think, I am completely different. I am relaxed, ... Then, when I think, I am another person: Who thinks, ... And this only triggered by some silly reasons, like hearing the name "Slavoj Zizek". And when I've solved something, I have to repeat it 300 times because it doesn't feel right (although it is logical). I feel like a guy who is kept in a jar full of toxins. Not me, my thoughts are controlling my life! That is quite bad. I feel like lifting 200 lb, I want to but I can't. I want to live my life! I am usually a normal person, but he's raped by the thoughts...

I really wish to have a re-start button in my head! I am down. I do not see the light at the end of the tunnel! Brah...

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How are you, Pluto?

Natural medicine may be a good help, but it can't do much, I think :(. Of course you can't buy medicaments that have to be prescribed by a doctor, but you CAN go and see a doctor, can't you? You haven't yet replied to my opinion that you'd need help of a psychotherapist and probably also consult a psychiatrist. How do you feel about it?

Take care!

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  • 2 weeks later...
How are you, Pluto?

Sorry for forgetting about you, I'm just here to see what's happened in this period. Fine, no problems at all.

Natural medicine may be a good help, but it can't do much, I think :(.

You probably don't believe it but the medical treatment has worked. I know that chemical medications do more, but I wanted to make baby steps, to see, how much medication I actually need.

Don't need help anymore

You haven't yet replied to my opinion that you'd need help of a psychotherapist and probably also consult a psychiatrist. How do you feel about it?

Need more of a military camp, dude. I was so into my thoughts because I was bored and fatigue in all life situations. So, I thought about that to stimulate myself.

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Thank you, Pluto, for the updates! I'm very glad to hear your good news!! It's fantastic that you've found a medicine that helps you and doesn't have (I suppose, as this kind of supplements usually don't) side effects and that you've found a good way to stimulate yourself and you won over the boredom, fatigue, and the obsession!

I wish you good luck and... don't give up your new approach in case the obsession comes back - it may, but you can win again and now you even have the confidence and the "tools" to do it! ;)

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