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I've been having severe depression lately. It's mainly to do with my low self-esteem and how I let my emotions effect me more than they should.

It began around 3 years ago when I was in 6th grade. I was oftenly bullied and put down by my classmates. For most people they would have shrugged it off or not let it get to them. Me? Every rude word was basically a knife to the heart. It didn't help that the teachers didn't pay attention, that I was clumsy, I was rude and didn't pay attention to my only friend(Now that I'm older I realized that she fell in love with me and I didn't realize), I'm not good at anything (No really. I have no talents and I break almost everything I touch with no matter how careful I am), and whenever I got picked on I cried which caused more bullying. Then i got to 7th grade and none of that bullying mattered anymore because I found the one thing that actually put a smile on my face. Online Gaming. Things like Minecraft, tf2, and Garry's mod I loved.

Well during 7th grade I was still bullied and a lot of family matters rose. My mom and dad argued a lot, I would constantly get in fight with my brother, and one of my sisters, who turned 21, started getting into a lot of problems like alcohol and would arrive home late at night drunk. My sister getting into a lot of trouble caused my parents to fight even more. Then money issues started to happen and I would blame myself for them and my parents fighting. Well I barely managed to survive 7th grade and half of 8th.

Well in the middle of my 8th grade year I had so much self-hate and depression built up. Until one day when I wanted to get onto the better computer we had that my brother was on. I asked him nicely and told him that I wanted to use it to play my games and he could use the other computer to watch the videos he was watching because I could only run my games on the better one but you can watch videos on any computer. We he kept saying no and no. The last time I asked him he played a video of the song "You cant always get what you want". It caused so much of a stir until my mother broke in and asked why we were fighting. I told her what happened and she just said that I should stop asking him and for both of us to clean the kitchen. With all that rage built up inside me causing all the pain from the bullying, self-hate, and me feeling worse than useless just broke free.

At the time I had just a little bit of a pyro side to me. Well when everyone was distracted I walked outside and into the shed with a lighter. I poured some gasoline on the floor. I stepped into the gas puddle and flicked the lighter a couple times then just.. Dropped it into the puddle.

(I have to stop this part cause right now i'm practically choking due to me not wanting to type that part)

Long story short I survived, went to the hospital, got out 2 months later (feb-mid March I was there), saw a lot of mental doctors (I was diagnosed with minor depression), and was homeschooled. Well I started playing on the video games to the point where it was an addiction. This causing me and my parents to get into even more fights. Now I'm moving into 9th grade. Just tonight (June 26) I was playing Minecraft and I was finishing up a project when my mom called me to get off. Me having that small pinch of ocd told her "just a minute". All I needed to do was get my friend to help me with the last step in finishing it (He had the one item I needed to finish it). Between my game lagging a whole bunch and my friend trying to find me, also my mother yelling for me to get off, I was stressed out. She eventually came in the room and forced me off. She then told me to help clean up. I was thinking that she doesn't understand and that she could be more patient. But then I realized that I was the one who was rude for she had waited a long while and I responded aggressively due to a game. I then thought through my options which mainly were another attempt or run away so i don't bother them anymore. She then told me she was going to bed and when I finished sweeping I could goto bed too. I just thought to myself when I swept on what I needed to do until I came to a desicion. I decided to delete all of my games and my steam.

I already did that and without them I probably will increase my relationship with my family and become more accomplished. The problem I face is that I will also have nothing to make me happy. Video games were the only thing keeping me alive but they were also bringing me down.

I just don't know if I should never go back or if I see good results go back in like 3 to 6 later.

I want to know what you guys think because I just don't know.

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