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Back again, unfortunately

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Regular users here will remember my last thread. In that thread, I outlined my own issues that were causing me large amounts of mental distress.

I would often post and have rants about how I felt. My arguments kept on going round in circles. Again and again and again, the same things over and over again, and it got me absolutely nowhere but into an even deeper psychological rut.

Eventually, I asked for the thread to be deleted. It was quite embarassing to read through, actually.

My intention in creating this thread is NOT to repeat what I did in the last thread. If I do start ranting away like I did the last time, please stop me.

It is simply to try to seek a solution to my mental health issues and to get me "mentally healthy" again.

Because of the embarassing nature of the topic, I can't even discuss it with people on "anonymous" phone helplines, or anyone at all really, except on the internet.

If I asked a doctor or mental health professional about it, it would be on my medical record for life.

It is mental torture, hating who I am. What's even worse is feeling unable to speak to anyone at all about it, except people on the internet.

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I've already explained how difficult I find it to even broach the subject of my problems with this particular issue. If I can't talk to anyone except on messageboards on the internet, who can I talk to?

I've had these issues since at least 2009, if not earlier. That's six whole years. Six whole years of feeling like a worthless, redundant eunuch.

I don't want to spend my whole life thinking these thoughts. There must be some kind of a solution.

But if I can't talk to people about it, what can I do? Pay money to talk to a professional therapist? What's that going to do?

My thoughts were probably NOT more extreme than those of the most severely affected mental health patients in psychiatric hospitals. Indeed, there is a great amount of logic to my thoughts, and most of the time I appear to be compos mentis. It is worth bearing in mind that although I do officially have a diagnosis of Asperger syndrome, I am very close to neurotypical, but not quite there, if everyone here understands that terminology.

But I don't want to go to a doctor about this. There is no way that I am ever going to a doctor about this subject. It has to be someone else.

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  • 2 weeks later...
  • 3 weeks later...

I got in a really, really bad mood again tonight for much the same reasons as before.

Feelings of extreme self-hatred, feelings of extreme worthlessness, feelings of extreme sexual inadequacy, feeling anger that I am myself and not what I would want to be. Pornography on the internet is one thing; seeing certain types of couples in public makes it all the more real, and especially when I'm in close proximity as in literally a few metres away, it becomes very uncomfortable for me. This has happened twice within the past two weeks, I have come within a few metres of that type of couple. Once was in a supermarket, and the other time was while walking down a street.

I don't want to repeat what I've said before, other than the fact that who I am causes me extreme mental distress and extreme feelings of sexual inadequacy. That's all. And I would like to attempt to find a solution, but when it's difficult to even talk about it...

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It's actually less about what other people think, and more about my own thoughts. It's my own thoughts that are the primary source of the problems. But then, what other people do feeds my own negative thoughts.

It's not really about other people's judgements at all. I know there was that case in America recently about that woman who tried to get a "race change" and then was outed, but that just goes to show how futile it is being trapped in a body you hate.

I have no valid cultural reason to identify with any other race, it's 100% derived from feelings of inadequacy about who I am.

As I stated earlier, I have no reason to go round in circles with the same arguments as before and do not wish to do so.

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Guest ChinaDoll

Hello infrared. I'm new here so I'm not entirely sure what all of you are talking about precisely but it seems to me that you're not really here for advise but more for just expressing yourself.

Sometimes just being heard helps. I don't know much but I wish you well. I hear you and will be following this thread. :)

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Hi China Doll, thanks for your response.

There was a big thread here before about the way I was feeling, which was eventually deleted at my own request.

I'll be honest with you, for your own good, you don't want to know what my problems are.

I've already explained, in the previous thread which was deleted, in great detail about how much I dislike myself. What I would like to do now, rather than to go over the same old arguments again and again which just went round in circles, is to find a way of getting real help. But it's going to be very difficult.

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Guest ChinaDoll

It's ok. I'm not asking for you guys to tell me. I understand that you just want to focus on getting help/ the recovery portion. I'm not exactly an expert and I know that this part is the most difficult part. I just wanted to express that posting here sometimes helps me sort things out in my head. I dunno. Its reasuring to me. I'm just wondering though if you've actually gone to a therapist. If not, is it by choice that you do not go? If so, I'm wondering why (if you dont mind my asking).

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I suppose the one thing that makes me different is that others, even if they have problems, are fundamentally happy with who they are.

If you're gay, bisexual - or more controversially - something like: a paedophile, attracted to animals, into feederism, or the sexual aspects of the furry fandom subculture, or whatever ... then regardless of how legally, morally or socially acceptable those things are, then at least these things do not involve feeling like you are trapped in a body you hate.

Even transsexualism, which for the individual concerned, involves feeling that they are trapped in a body they hate, then at least for them, there is some kind of hope. At least for them, there is something resembling hope that one day they can be accepted by society as being what they were meant to be.

And then there's me. The one for whom no hope exists.

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Can you open the door to feeling the hope that things could get better? Maybe it's time to work on caring for yourself, IRR? Possibly, with time and healing, you won't hate the body you have...

Does anything bring you joy? Do you have any passions in life? Maybe it helps to connect with something positive?

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  • 2 weeks later...

Gotten myself in a really bad mood again tonight.

I'm not going to re-iterate the same old tired arguments. All I'll say is that chronic self hatred is amongst the worst emotions I've ever experienced, and it seems to be a constant with me. Chronic self hatred and self-rejection, and yet putting on a "brave face" to the world at the same time... it's crippling me mentally. I act normal, I act confident, even though inside I'm mentally falling to pieces. It's emotional torture.

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OK inf_rad, i'll take a stab at supporting you

In your posts here, i'm reading some oblique references to a sexual shame of some kind, which we the male members can relate to. I'm also detecting some kind of body image issue, which female members can certainly relate to.

What both of those have in common, is: they're forms of shame created by society's standards of what we have to be in order to be fully sexual and therefore fully equal to others. Women are made to feel worthless if they're not a size 4 with a 20-something waist and at least a B cup and -- oh yeah, i almost forgot -- WHITE GIRL HAIR. This is supposed to make them sexually attractive, which in turn is supposedly the one minimum requirement for being equal to other women. Although if a young woman actually wants the sex itself, and acts on it, then society slut-shames her; but that's a whole other rant for another day.

Meanwhile, we men are ALSO supposed to be attractive in order to be worth something as a human being. God help the guy who's shorter than average, or works at McDonalds, or drives a hooptie, or can't win a fistfight, or (like me) is sensitive and intellectual, or (like me) is clumsy in sports or dancing. Sorry if i got too self-referential there at the end. This is a very painful shame-place for me, as you might guess. But on the other hand, inf_rad, this means i can empathize with you.

I can't make up for all the shame that society puts on you over your sexuality (or lack thereof, or orientation thereof, etc.) I mean, the world has changed from a culture in which you had to be from a blue-blood family and graduate from an elite prep school, to one in which you have to be a combination of an NBA star, a rock star, and a millionaire. Otherwise it's the L On The Forehead symbol for you. That's how society currently is. Some may say "oh it's not that bad; Bill Gates blah blah Big Bang Theory blah blah..." That's a commendable effort to shine sunlight on you, but unfortunately it's naive. Society is what it is.

But i like to think that here, right here in this forum, we're creating our own society. A more accepting society. Ever wonder why people join monasteries, convents, and ashrams? Now you know: it's to live with a group of people who have made a pact to accept and support each other. Here in our society, fat girls are sexy. Here in our society, shy guys are as masculine as football players. Don't know what your source of self-hatred is, inf_rad (and you don't owe it to us to share it), but i'll just use the generic null brackets [ ] to represent it. Unless it's something that hurts someone else, you don't have to be ashamed here in our society.

In our society, guys like inf_rad who have [ ] are popular. Come in and stay awhile. We like you.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Thanks. You don't want to know what my problems are. Take it from me.

I don't live in the USA so there are some cultural differences.

A general view of the interactions between men and women would lend credibility to the idea that the most successful men are basically polygamous, while the least successful men basically have no chance with women at all. Outcomes are more equal for women; a greater degree of variation exists for men.

There are those that criticise this view - many feminists amongst them (including male feminists) who would deride such ideas as "misogyny" - despite the fact that it's backed up with scientific evidence and is even written in psychology textbooks. The idea that "there's someone out there for everyone" is a falsehood that owes more to emotionalism than to logic. Typically, women think in emotional ways and men think in logical ways. But, of course, we wouldn't want to commit the politically incorrect sin of stereotyping people, would we?

There is no such thing as equality in biology, and we as humans cannot escape that.

Being born white and male is being born to lose. It is to be condemned to a racial death sentence. It is to grow up to become a living, breathing, evolutionary anachronism. The walking dead.

If you were to take me to a mental hospital and get me to discuss these ideas, what would they do? Tell me that I'm insane?

Clearly I'm not insane. I can't be insane because my ideas are based on logic.

The politically correct notion of "equality" is fundamentally based on one thing: a nihilistic attitude towards reproduction and sex. Therefore, since women are evolutionarily inclined to limit the amount of physical sex they have and men are the opposite, the politically correct notion of equality benefits women and not men.

Nothing I'm saying here is misogynistic because facts backed up with scientific evidence cannot be misogynistic.

Let's just consider a few simple facts:

There would be nothing misogynistic about a white man being castrated.

There would be nothing racist about a white man committing suicide.

You can't argue with me, can you?

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As I've said, white people face a racial death sentence. Nothing can be done about this.

Therefore, a white man has to accept that his actual sexual desires evolved for a reason (to reproduce his kind) which is at odds with the current environment (enforced gradual racial death due to demographic changes).

As a white man, existence is emasculating. Being a white man, is to experience the constant struggle of opposing forces: being in posession of the knowledge that your race (kin, genetic legacy, etc) faces certain extinction no matter what else happens, which is humiliating and emasculating, yet still feeling normal masculine desires for sex, knowing full well the evolutionary reason for those desires (reproduction), but realising that those desires are atavistic in the present context (a context which has no evolutionary precedent). It's this neurosis which is torture. It's a conflict that cannot be resolved.

To know, with certainty, that your racial kind will be wiped off the face of the planet, means that seeking out women to have sex with is futile.

As for racism, the basic evolutionary reason for racism is part of the "struggle for existence" in biology. It's about the promotion of the interests of kin over the interests of non-kin. Racism can basically be boiled down to this simple principle. I'm not saying that this constitutes moral justification for racism; instead I'm explaining the facts of the matter.

Men have actually evolved to used violence to fight for their genetic legacy. Historically, when a settlement was invaded, often the invaders would kill or enslave the males in the settlement and mate with the women there. For the males of the settlement being invaded, often the best option would have been to fight to the death against the invaders.

Kin is race, and race is kin.

In this sense, raising a family is racist, because it involves the promotion of the interests of kin (family, race) over those of non-kin.

Similarly, whilst the act of suicide may not be explicitly anti-racist, suicide cannot be racist.

I don't need this stress in my life. That's why I hate being a white man. That's why I wish I was a black man.


But am I missing something?

Am I missing out on what it is to exist in today's "postmodern" society?

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From an evolutionary point of view, white men are not a "good bet". Yet some women are still attracted to them.

The only possible reason for this is a mismatch between evolved instincts and the present situation. What women are attracted to has not yet "caught up with" demographic reality. Some women must still perceive white men to be dominant, on some level, despite the fact that they are members of a race in terminal decline.

There isn't a woman in the world that finds a man that has no social dominance attractive. The more socially dominant a male, the more of an "alpha male" he is. From an evolutionary point of view, women want to be with alpha males.

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