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if I could I would

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I'd just go ahead and blow my brains out. I have nothing to live for. No one's fault I just have a terrible attitude.

I've tried to change but I don't see any hope. I've made efforts and I continue to try but I just don't see a way forward. If I werent so terrified of hell I'd end the pain and suffering.

No one should live like this. I've made all the wrong choices in life. I get it. It's my fault. I failed. I'm sorry. Now I just want it all to end. I have no hope left. No reason to live. Just wasting space.

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Hello, CM, welcome!

I'm so sorry you're feeling so hopeless and suicidal... I can relate, I used to be suicidal for many years (since my teenage), I've just always known I couldn't do it to those who loved me. And I sometimes feel so also nowadays. But I don't want to compare it (I've been at least relatively lucky so far in many aspects of my life, so... I can't complain of circumstances or bad luck, just of "my brain" (who hates "me / itself" and feels hopeless too often)...); I mention it to show I can emotionally relate to what you feel.

No one should live like this.

You're right, I can only agree! And even if you have made "all the wrong choices", that doesn't make you deserve such suffering. But there's another way from it than would - perhaps - be suicide. You need help and I hope very much you'll get it. Unfortunately, you also need your own motivation to seek help and to try to change your life; nobody could do that all for you. But you've made the first step: You wrote here about your suffering, you "vented" your feelings. That's a good way to start :).

I'm also sorry I didn't reply much sooner - I'm so afraid you won't come back here :(. I'd appreciate hearing from you!

I'd like to learn more about you. For instance:

No one's fault I just have a terrible attitude.

What's been your attitude?

I've made all the wrong choices in life.

Do you feel like specifying some of the choices?

I get it. It's my fault. I failed. I'm sorry.

It's usually good to admit it when we fail and it's natural to feel sorry when something goes wrong. But I'd say you don't really "get it". You see only one aspect of the complicated situation. In every decision, there are many factors influencing the outcome. It's never completely predictable. Can you think for a while and identify some bad luck that might have influenced what has happened to you? Or perhaps also some interference (or the lack of thereof when it was needed) of other people that made an impact? Don't get me wrong; I'm not suggesting "blaming others for your faults", but blaming yourself to the extent you're doing it doesn't seem appropriate / right. I don't know your situation and your decisions, but still I'm sure you're not responsible for everything bad that has happened. Of course, even if you realize this, there will still remain many things you'll be responsible for. But self-blame and qualms are something that warns us of future mistakes, it's not a reason for condemnation to death.

We all make mistakes, we all fail - more or less often, more or less painfully, yes, but... it's a part of human nature. I know it's very hard to "embrace" one's fallibility as a part that can't be destroyed :(.

It occurred to me that you could watch this talk to see an example of what I mean, although in a different context: Alcoholics/addicts are often blamed for their behaviour, while too many people don't realize the effects of their "surroundings" on the addiction (this view, unfortunately, greatly underestimates / ignores the big effects of genetic predisposition which actually plays a big role in a part of addiction, but it's still worth hearing because it brings an often neglected point of view):

Perhaps you would also get some useful insights from this excerpt of a video with interviews with people who survived their suicide attempt:


Don't skip the very end; the man describes there how his mind has changed when he actually made the attempt = realized he "was dying". It shows that... even though we might feel the urge to kill ourselves or think it would be "the best thing to do", the part of us that wants to live is still there and would be scared and very regretting in case we "attempt..."

(Some other potentially interesting talks: https://www.ted.com/topics/suicide)

Please, tell me also how you see your possibilities to get help. Can you go to psychotherapy? Is somebody in your family supportive? Do you have a close friend you could talk to?

Perhaps some medication could help you to deal with some of the emotional part of the problem and you'll feel more prone to think more realistically about your problems and how to solve them.

Do also know that when you're suicidal, you can go to emergency and possibly be hospitalized.

Good luck and take care!

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