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I'm feeling numb


Leahlozer
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The past two years have been a steep decline in my own mental health. I think the numbness started when my mom died in the summer of 2010 when I was around 11 or 12. So yeah, it was a bad time for me. I was withdrawn from family, and it was the beginning of my sixth grade year so I didn't bother making many friends. I was known as the girl with no friends for a while. And to top it all off, I was the girl who cried of the first day of school bc my fucking first block teacher announced to the whole damn class that my mom just died. SMOOTH MOVE JACKASS! But I got better through the year and made some friends, one who became my best friend that is still my best friend today. But then 6 months after my mom died my dad was already looking for a wife and found one in South Africa and was remarried by the end of the year. And when I say that this bitch is crazy, this bitch is fucking out of her damn mind. I think she's the main problem with my depression.

She's mean and hateful, calls me stupid, worthless, and the list goes on and on. And another problem have with her is her with my art.(I'm an artist btw) If I draw clothes that are slightly immodest(strapless dresses, dress a bit to short) she tears it out of my book and throws it in the trash. You don't even know what that does to me. But the last year has been the worst. My dad took on a job in Afghanistan mad it was a year long thing. He'd only be able to visit every three months for three weeks. It's so bad at home now. I think that's why I've been feeling empty.

Numb.

Hollow.

Frustrated.

Angry.

And I'm not one to contemplate cutting myself but the image of myself cutting my wrists has happened many times but I instantly shut it down bc I know I'd never do that to myself. And another reason is because I'm scared.

I'm scared of hurting myself because I'm worried about what others will think of me if they see it. They know me as they know my façade.

Happy.

The girl who is always happy and random and will want to make someone laugh at her jokes and crazy antics. That's only one side I put out of myself. The other side is worried.

Worried about others.

Worried about myself and my own sanity. Worried about what other people and what they think about me. The other side of me is insecure about herself and wants to his my body because only she knows her flaws and tells other people they're wrong when they say she's beautiful. That she has a nice body and personality and that she's funny.

All of me is just scared of what people will think. I'm scared of never finding other than my family will love me. I'm scared of judgements and my own flaws. I feel numb because I'm just the same 11 year old kid who just wants my mom to be alive and still with me.

I sometimes cry for no reason or think of my mom when I go to sleep and bawl till I calm down enough to go to sleep with a headache. I'm JIST so confused on who I'm supposed to feel and to be and am always wondering what's wrong with me.

What is wrong with me?

Am I the only person who feels like this? I'm even worried that this one topic is to long and that no one will even attempt to help me. What am I going to do?

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Welcome, Leahlozer.

I'm so sorry about your mom. :( That's a very young age to lose someone so important in your life. It must have been very difficult for you.

I'm also sorry that you are being treated poorly by your stepmom and that your situation at home right now is difficult. :(

It's okay to feel all and anything that you feel. You mention having a happy part and a worried part. Are you able to listen to your worried part and offer care? This is one way to begin caring for yourself.

I lost my mother too-- back in the early 90's-- and I still cry sometimes. The grief from losing your mom may always be with you in some way. I hope you can be gentle with yourself and know that crying is okay. Do you also have happy memories of your mother that might feel comforting?

Sometimes what helps me most during times of struggle is having a person available who will listen and support me. Is there anyone like that in your life? Are you able to share with a trusted adult?

It's wonderful that you enjoy art. Self-expression is so important, I feel.

I wish you healing. Take care.

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