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Hi everyone,

I've been ignoring this problem for a long time, let sleeping dogs lie etc., but that hasn't been working out so great. My boyfriend and I have been together for 8 years. We have had our ups and downs, have managed to overcome most of them, some of our issues still need to be ironed out. Anyway, I met his best friend shortly after we started dating in 2007, and we've developed our own friendship over the years, with the encouragement of my boyfriend. Problem is, I'm pretty sure his friend has at various times had feelings for me, and honestly I've had a recurring thing for him since maybe 2012.

If I wait it out long enough/suppress it the feelings fade. But the problem is they *always* resurface. It's starting to eat me up inside... I've tried avoiding him but my boyfriend keeps encouraging that we should talk etc. After a good 10 months of not speaking with the friend, we've started talking again these past few weeks (nothing major, really simple stuff) and of course my feelings are all over the place, once again. I don't know what to do... I don't want to be unfair to anyone or cause tension in their friendship by telling anyone about this. I've cycled through these feelings 5 or 6 times in the past 3 years.

I don't know what to do. Should I talk to the friend about my feelings or is it better if I continue keeping this to myself? The thing is I don't know if keeping it to myself is ever going to be a permanent solution since the feelings continue to resurface. I believe there is a difference between being truthful about how you feel and working through it vs acting on those feelings. I don't want to do anything inappropriate and I'm not looking for an excuse to do so. I just don't know how to deal with this and I'm feeing very confused and overwhelmed.

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Hello, Autumn, welcome! :)

I see it's a confusing situation that can easily overwhelm you... But I also think it's a pretty common part of relationships and can be worked out and "make you stronger" without "too much" harm ;).

I would have some advises for you, but... it's all very subjective and I'm sure many people would tell you many different things to do. Before writing about my subjective opinions, I'd like to ask you about some additional info to clarify the situation for me:

- Do you want to stay with your bf?

- Do you have "only feelings" for his friend or do you also fantasize about being with him, do you ever wish him to become your new bf?

- Have you ever discussed similar issues (in general) with your bf? (I mean mainly falling for somebody else while being in a relationship.)

- Is that friend in a relationship?

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Hi LaLa, thanks for your response. I'm not sure if this will directly reply to your comment, I hope so, but I'm still new at figuring this website out :)

1) I don't know if I still want to stay with my boyfriend, for reasons unrelated to the friend... we're having a hard time agreeing on where to move after I graduate and I don't know if we'll be able to compromise

2) I don't know if I see a future with the friend, I'm honestly too scared to contemplate that, but I do have very strong feelings for him. As a friend, he means a lot to me. As more than a friend, he also means a lot to me.

3) We haven't really discussed similar issues in the past, no...

4) That friend is single

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Hello, Autumn, welcome! :)

I see it's a confusing situation that can easily overwhelm you... But I also think it's a pretty common part of relationships and can be worked out and "make you stronger" without "too much" harm ;).

I would have some advises for you, but... it's all very subjective and I'm sure many people would tell you many different things to do. Before writing about my subjective opinions, I'd like to ask you about some additional info to clarify the situation for me:

- Do you want to stay with your bf?

- Do you have "only feelings" for his friend or do you also fantasize about being with him, do you ever wish him to become your new bf?

- Have you ever discussed similar issues (in general) with your bf? (I mean mainly falling for somebody else while being in a relationship.)

- Is that friend in a relationship?

Hi LaLa, thanks for your response. I'm not sure if this will directly reply to your comment, I hope so, but I'm still new at figuring this website out :)

1) I don't know if I still want to stay with my boyfriend, for reasons unrelated to the friend... we're having a hard time agreeing on where to move after I graduate and I don't know if we'll be able to compromise

2) I don't know if I see a future with the friend, I'm honestly too scared to contemplate that, but I do have very strong feelings for him. As a friend, he means a lot to me. As more than a friend, he also means a lot to me.

3) We haven't really discussed similar issues in the past, no...

4) That friend is single

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Autumn you have been w the boyfriend for 8 years and if you still have doubts about the viability of the relationship then it probably is doomed.

Now, am I suggesting you hop in bed w the so called friend? Heck no. Any man that would target his best friends GF is a jerk and a loser.

I think the person you need to love more is Autumn.

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Thanks, Autumn, for your answers. I don't have time now to write, but I hope I'll come back in few days.

In the meantime, I just want to mention that this is an example of the very different opinions you'll hear about your problem:

Autumn you have been w the boyfriend for 8 years and if you still have doubts about the viability of the relationship then it probably is doomed.

Now, am I suggesting you hop in bed w the so called friend? Heck no. Any man that would target his best friends GF is a jerk and a loser.

I personally don't agree with these statements at all. Your relationship doesn't need to be "doomed" at all; there are ups and downs in every relationships; some hard times with more disagreements "just happen" and it's OK to struggle if you don't fall into being "bad" to your partner (like... wanting him to hurt, being revengeful, not considering his feelings and opinions important, ...).

And... I'm not sure how the 2nd comment is meant but if it's a critique of that friend, then I don't agree because he doesn't seem to want to seduce you at all, so... if you once decided to date him, then he wouldn't be "a jerk", it would be just... a complicated / awkward situation for all of you, but not a reason to blame anybody.

"See you" soon...

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Thanks, Autumn, for your answers. I don't have time now to write, but I hope I'll come back in few days.

In the meantime, I just want to mention that this is an example of the very different opinions you'll hear about your problem:

I personally don't agree with these statements at all. Your relationship doesn't need to be "doomed" at all; there are ups and downs in every relationships; some hard times with more disagreements "just happen" and it's OK to struggle if you don't fall into being "bad" to your partner (like... wanting him to hurt, being revengeful, not considering his feelings and opinions important, ...).

And... I'm not sure how the 2nd comment is meant but if it's a critique of that friend, then I don't agree because he doesn't seem to want to seduce you at all, so... if you once decided to date him, then he wouldn't be "a jerk", it would be just... a complicated / awkward situation for all of you, but not a reason to blame anybody.

"See you" soon...

Hi LaLa,

I agree with what you said as well. The friend is not a jerk, he isn't trying to steal me away. It's just really obvious how he feels... but he's not acting on it. And I also agree that my relationship is not necessarily doomed, I think that would be a super oversimplification of a very complex situation.

Thank you for your support and encouragement, I am so grateful to you :)

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