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The invalidation kills me.


Guest ChinaDoll
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Guest ChinaDoll

For the past few years, I've been suffering from depression. Im not clinically diagnosed simply because depression is equated to insanity around these parts and so ive been dealing with this by myself. Of course,anyone who has gone through it knows that most of the time you are simply helpless against it. When you've finally reached the bottom of your emotional barrel; when you've run out of energy to fight it, your first instinct is to reach out to friends and turn for help.

I have this one classmate whom I thought was my friend. I shared with her my problems and she never commented on any of it. I didn't mind it at first because I know there was nothing she could really do for me except listen and I was content with that. Then one day, I got into a really bad relationship with this narcissist. At the time, I was barely out of the pit of depression but was at the height of confidence in a long long while. In the course of the relationship, some things felt wrong but I was determined to be "adult" about it and fix it. What I got instead was a badly damaged self-esteem from all the mental and emotional abuse I suffered and to top it all off, was raped.

For the sake of my reputation and profession, I swept all of it under the rug; pretended nothing was wrong despite the fact that in my mind I was battling against anxiety. I was fearful that something might have resulted from what he did to me and without a husband to claim it, would result in my dismissal from work and the social stigma that would accompany all of that. My nerves were frayed. I was so scared I wanted to vomit and that intensified my fear seeing as nausea is also one of the signs that I was not looking forward to seeing. It was a great relief that it was nothing after all. Yet, the entire ordeal left me so traumatized. Eventually, I could not keep it to myself any longer. I sought succor to this friend I mentioned earlier. I told her what had happened to me and the narcissit (who is a mutual acquaintance) and how much I was hurting from it. I also told her that what made this thing even worse was the fact that this wasn't the first time I was sexually abused. I was molested as a child. Instead of the understanding I was expecting from her, she just told me to "get over it".

Everytime I see or hear those words, I remember her. I remember the anger I felt at how those words invalidated me. It made me want to end it all because it felt like an affirmation that my life was insignificant and without value.

When I am in one of those moods where I feel complete numb, I end up analysing all of these things. I wonder why she reacted that way. Could it be because as far as the outside world as concerned, my life looked perfect. I was spoiled and excessively coddled even till adulthood.

Sometimes I wonder if maybe thats the only problem in this "story". That im simply just too weak being the brat that I am.

Should I just excuse her because she has her life to live and my concerns and problems would just weigh her down? Am I being self-centered by sharing this and therefore being a downer?

But then, abuse is abuse, right?

I dunno what to think anymore. All I know is that I'm tired physically and mentally. I dont hate myself but I am ashamed of myself. I'm starting to wonder of there is still redemption for me especially since I don't know if I can convince my family to help me seek out the professional help that I know I need. I know this forum can never substitute a psychiatrist or a counselor. I'm just hoping I can find even a little strength here. I'm in need of a little light in this pit of despair.

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I apologize for the delay in my response to your post, Chinadoll. I want to welcome you to our community. I also hope that you find some light and strength here.

I'm so sorry for all that you have been through. :( My heart goes out to you. I think it's very important for you to have a voice and express what you are feeling about what happened to you. Your friend's comment does not, in any way, reflect on you. I'm sorry that she did not hear your feelings or offer the support you needed when you opened up to her to something very painful.

I hear that you feel tired. :( I hope that your family is supportive and helps you to get the help you need. I hope as well that you find a kind and caring counselor you are able to work with. We are here to listen and support you too, ChinaDoll.

Take care. I wish you wellness and healing.

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Hello, ChinaDoll, welcome!

Instead of repeating what IJ has already written and what I can only agree with, I offer you an article (in 2 parts) about "people not wanting to hear about abuse". It's about abuse in a context very different from yours, but I think the principles apply to other situations as well, at least with some modifications.

http://www.surviving...herapist-abuse/

http://www.surviving...t-abuse-part-2/

It would be easy for me to criticize the friend, because her attitude is really "unfortunate" (-not wanting to use a stronger word...) and there's no wonder that you feel disappointed, hurt, and possibly even betrayed by her, but... perhaps it could help you more to understand why she would react in such an insensitive way - perhaps that would help you to calm your emotions triggered by her (?).

I also hope very much that you'll receive good professional help soon... (Please, don't get scared by the topic of the article - yes, there are some therapists who are unprofessional and hurt their clients, but they are rare and their existence shouldn't prevent anyone from seeking help - therapy can often truly change your life for better! Knowing that some therapists are abusers and knowing how to recognize them soon may even be your advantage and make you feel less vulnerable. (In tis context, this can likely catch your attention on the website ;): http://www.survivingtherapistabuse.com/2014/11/questions-to-ask-a-prospective-therapist/))

Good luck and take care!

Edited by LaLa
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Guest ChinaDoll

Dear IJ and LaLa,

Thank you for your kind welcome and reply.

Firstly, I also apologize for the "unaired" string of hysterical posts I left when I first joined. I was in a phase of "urgently needs help" at the time and was doing things over the top. I'm calm now though and I do not at all look forward to my next panic/anxiety attack.

Thank you very much LaLa for the articles. It made all the difference. I agree with the author now. It probably is because they simply cannot understand what we went through and I don't exactly wish for anyone to go through what I did just so that they can understand. What irks me really is why people tell us to stop being a victim as if we wanted to be a victim. An innocent little girl playing by herself does not exactly want to be molested, does she? It hurts when people think you're just being a drama queen.

I hope I can find a good therapist soon. I'd really like to be able to talk to someone who actually knows what to do in order for me to turn my life around. I know that depression might be a forever thing but at least I want to be able to manage it better.

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  • 3 weeks later...

ChinaDoll,

You were raped. No one has the right to tell you to just "get over it."

(rape, of all things.) This was a HORRIBLE thing that happened to you.

What she should've told you was, "you're not dirty because of it."

or "it wasn't your fault, it was the rapist's fault."

You don't have to be ashamed of yourself.

I would really like it if you went to a mirror right now, looked yourself in the eyes,

and give yourself a big hug.

This group is your reality check so that you will know that you are worth a lot.

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Guest ChinaDoll

Thank you TooOld4This. Your support is a comfort. :) Things like this and depression somehow change us in a way that whether we do get better or not, we still carry around a scar from the experience. I'm determined to use the negative things that happened in my life as a sort of strength. Yes, I was a victim but never again.

Hello trust issues... :) I'll deal with you later. Lol.

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