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I'm obsessed with having a mental illness?


lufis21
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This might seem offensive to people with OCD although I don't want to offend anyone, sorry if I do ;-;

I have a few symptoms easily associated with OCD, but I know I don't have it. I've read a lot about OCD, I have some friends who suffer from it and i've read posts from people that actually have it - What I mean is that my symptoms are not strong enough, neither in quantity, to be OCD. It doesn't interfere with my life either. What's the problem then?

I feel like I want to have OCD.

What?? No you don't want it - of course I don't. This is confusing me a lot. I know I DON'T want to have it. I've read enough to know I don't want, I know it's not like 'oh I'm sooo OCD because I like to have all clean and organized' and more like 'I HAVE to do this compulsion because if not this person will die and I can't help it bescause anxiety and I can't stop visualizing how I harm my loved ones but I don't want to' and I know it doesn't feel any good and that every OCD experience is different and it's not a desirable thing.

I don't want anyone to tell me 'you DON'T want it' because I already know I don't want it. I just -feel- like I want it. It's a feeling, it's an obsession I guess. I often find myself researching about OCD and 'oh I have this symptoms' 'I have OCD' 'NO I don't have it.' 'But what if'

And the thought of having OCD feels good, at the same time feels horrible. I don't even know why it feels good to me, but i'm terrified. Why would I want to have OCD? Why am I feeling like this?

Yesterday I posted an ask on MIM Tumblr and while I was waiting for the response I started to research about the symptoms - again. I've been doing this quite a lot. I don't even have to research anymore to know most of the symptoms. The thing is that I started to feel bad, really bad. I started to feel something weird on my chest and my heart rate speeding. My respiration seemed normal but I had to breathe slowly to calm myself, I just wanted to cry and felt like I was a terrible person.

I'm currently posting this here to see if someone had any experience like this, like wanting to have any other mental illness - and at the same time not. I asked a friend who has OCD, he told me he had a similar experience with other illness, so that's why I ask here.

I've been feeling like this since two weeks ago, the strongest feeling yesterday. Although I've been researching about OCD and worrying about the symptoms - but knowing that's not what I've got, like from 3 months ago or more.

I'm afraid to go to a therapist, I don't know if I'm more afraid about getting a diagnose or about not getting any diagnose at all. I'm really confused. I will go to a therapist, anyways, if this keeps happening for more time and I can't ignore it. I could until this last week, kinda.

Thank you for reading, I always over explain myself :/ and sorry if I offended anyone. I don't mean to, i'm just scared...

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Hello, Lufis, welcome :)

I don't think your post could be offensive to anybody. And... I've always over-explained myself, so... I can relate (and compared to me, you don't sound like over-explaining yourself :P.)

I don't know if I can be helpful, but here's what occurred to me while reading:

... to see if someone had any experience like this, like wanting to have any other mental illness - and at the same time not.

Well, I used to "want" (like you, it seems) depression - in my case because I had many symptoms but "not strong enough to feel entitled to be taken seriously and receive therapy". Me too, I used to be almost obsessed by researching the symptoms, doing many on-line tests for depression, ... It lasted several years until I finally went to see a psychiatrist and therapist (-both in one person), so I'm very glad to hear that you're considering seeing a therapist soon enough! (Indeed, I didn't have clinical depression (at least at that time), but he "instantly" agreed that I needed therapy and even prescribed me a mild antidepressant for some time, to calm my anxiety.)

I think that such "longing for" a mental illness may mean that you know "something is wrong with you", you're worried, anxious due to the uncertainty and "receiving a label" seems like a first step towards a solution, like an official recognition that you need help. You probably don't know about "the real causes" of your problems (that's why I would recommend you a therapy dealing more with hidden causes, childhood issues, ... (like psychodynamic, psychoanalytical, person/client-centered, ...) not just a cognitive-behavioural therapy that would deal with managing the symptoms, but that's just my personal opinion!) and your unconsciousness is signaling you the need for attention and help by this obsession with symptoms and diagnosis seeking.

I may be wrong, I write this just as an inspiration for your further thoughts.

Perhaps you could write us more about your life and some events that might have triggered this (sudden?) change.

Take care!

Edited by LaLa
I edited the post a bit
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Hello LaLa and really thank you for answering! I've been feeling way more calmed and good today than the rest of the days about this.

I definitely thing something must be wrong with me, and you've related it to the OCD symptoms searching, what I hadn't. I actually think you could be sooo right, thank you!

About the OCD-like symptoms:

  • I've got an obsession with symmetry or following a pattern, but it doesn't always happen. It happens like 1 to 3 times a month and it's triggered by usually looking at something that doesn't follow that pattern and trying to fix it- then I start to notice everything that doesn't follow a pattern and I get nervous (not anxious but nervous) and feel the need to fix everything. It can last hours or the whole day.
  • I have also thoughts of pushing my dear friends to the road when a car comes, although I don't want to, and other intrusive-thoughts-like. They come only if triggered but are very common.
  • I don't remember if this was ocd-like symptom too but I tend to explain everything I say, even several times, in order to make myself sure that the other person has understood. People actually tell me 'I already had understood it!', or that I talk too much and over-explain. When writting it's not as clear but when talking, oh yes, it is. I also feel I have difficulty to explain myself but actually my parents and some teachers had told me that I explain myself better than a lot of students of my age. I even get nervous if I don't finish explaining, even if the other person told me they understood...I don't want they to miss any details.
  • I've had the need to touch things, the need to touch the center of my palm for example, or if I scratch myself in one hand, I scratch the other just to make it feel the same. The need to touch things actually hasn't happened in two years or so, but the others still apply.
  • TW: self-harm ---------------- About the need to touch things - When I see a big knife or read about self-harm I just imagine the knife on my wrists or, even without imagining, I always start feeling a physical sensation on my wrists, like they need to be touched, and I need to touch them or scratch them or even bite them - I've never self-harmed or cutted, I don't want to do it. But i've been feeling the 'need' to do it this past days too...i'm afraid of it, as I don't know why that's happening. I'm good emotionally - except with my ocd-obsession :/ But that doesn't make me want to die or harm myself. I've been feeling the physical sensation since a lot of years ago when seeing a knife, but it goes off in 10 minutes or so, and the 'need' to cut is happening only this days. The last day it lasted at least an hour. I think i'm strong enough to not to self-harm but I'm afraid some day I won't, or I will act in impulse. That fear, I have it with my intrusive-like thoughts too. I'm conscious that I would never do these, but I fear acting on impulse.
  • I also can't see feet. If I see bare feet near me I get nervous and upset. If someone touches my feet, the same. Sometimes I need to wash my feet or if someone touches me with their feet I need to wash that area. My friend with OCD has that phobia too, and idk if it's common in OCD?
  • However I never get anxiety, I just get upset and it's really uncomfortable, applying to all things I've said. It has not interfeered in my life strongly enough to worry. I don't know if it's getting worse or if it's just me 'wanting' it to get worse and 'faking' it because 'hey I want OCD' 'but I don't really want it'. :/

Other things:

  • I'm 18 years old from Spain (if you read something weird and doesn't make sense, it's my English, huh)
  • I'm FTM transgender, I'm on T since 5 months ago. My dysphoria is not severe or really a great problem, I can manage it.
  • I'm not the most social person. I've been having problems with my self-esteem and socializing since I was little. I used to think that I was really ugly (I don't think that anymore, indeed I like my face or something.) and I still have some problems, like thinking people is talking about me -and bad- or giving up easily with socializing. I find it difficult with socializing with classmates but I have great friends and a group that shares my interests. However i'm getting better at that and I think I can manage it by myself, too.
  • I've been suspecting that I've been emotionally abused by my mother (I don't think she actually wanted to, but...), as I remember her only shouting and getting really mad, she would always punish me keeping me away from my PC where I had all my friends at that time (I didn't have many friends at school and was happy only on internet), and I learnt not to cry in front of her because she told me not to cry or it would be worse. She didn't respect my personal space when she was mad and it was horrible. She also dismissed my feelings and if I cried she told me it was to 'manipulate' her. Every year I think that I hate her at least 10 times or more, lasting weeks. I don't think that's normal and to me sounds as emotional abuse, even if I think she doesn't know what she's been causing (lack of confidence and self-esteem, I think it relies in part on there.)

I think that's all, sorry for writing too much, though, omg. And really thank you thank you thank you ;v;

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  • 1 year later...

Hi, Lufis, how are you doing, more than a year later? 

I'm so sorry we somehow "lost truck of" you :( . It happens and I'm always sorry. There isn't any reason related to the person who posted, just to us who reply - we're busy and sometimes forger to reply and then the "ignored" member of the forum doesn't come back. :(

If you notice this post, would you let us know how you're doing, what's new? And, of course, feel free to post as much as you want to - the length of your texts isn't a problem ;) .

Take care!

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