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Guest ChinaDoll
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Guest ChinaDoll

...and after an episode of anxiety and fear, I now have an intense anger bubbling inside of me. It makes me want to beat every bully on this planet like some sort of avenging angel. (Not that I think of myself as such a holy creature. I don't think I'm a devil either. More like a lost soul in purgatory)

But that thought will stay as that.

I do not want to wake from the grips of anger one day and face the guilt of being a bully myself. I wonder if the hulk ever feels remorse after his rampages when he sees the wake of destruction behind him.

I am tempted to rant and curse at the bullies and abusers who hurt me yet can't even call them by the name the internet has ascribed to them for fear of incurring their ire. Pathetic... yet at the same time a good desicion. I don't want them to have hold of my soul any longer.

Okay... moving on... I need more sleep.

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Guest ChinaDoll

Oh boy... and I could go on about why I fear purgatory more than hell. *laughs at self*

And this all started after watching "What Dreams May Come" as an innocent adolescent.

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Guest ChinaDoll

And yup... I still feel like Chicken Little with the urge to plaster every thread with my anxiety, fear, and negativity.

I think I'll try to keep it in one place though out of respect for other people despite the fact that a certain part of my brain is screaming at me that I'm filing most of this under the wrong heading. Pffft... OCD.

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Guest ChinaDoll

...and that reminds me of how obssessive I was about cleaning when I got here.

I ended up being sick in bed with more than just asthma. Hahaha... I frigging hate allergies. I am now undeliberately confined to the second floor. Venturing out to the kitchen for food and water feels like a dangerous forray into unguarded territory. The enemy-- a four year old large dog riddled with alergens. Haha.

And now I end up amusing myself with my ridiculousness.

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Guest ChinaDoll

And now this thread is starting to look like a documentation of how I talk/think myself back away from the ledge above the Pit of Despair. [insert cartoon pit with raging fires in a field of ashes and dust sorta like that Lion King scene but not too much or else #copyrightinfringment]

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Guest ChinaDoll

No, not school bullies. Sadly, school is not the only place where they hunt. What scarred me most is that these sick people pretend to be your friends but then their real and only agenda was to unravel you mentally for their own amusement. That was the scariest experience. The idea that you trusted them, let your guard down, and they destroy you mentally. Talk about trojans!

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Guest ChinaDoll

Thanks guys. :)

Anti-bullying is my personal quest in life. Empowerment as well. I may only be able to do this for a few kids out of sheer thousands who are bullied everyday but every soul counts.

I'll say this only once though and then move on.

DON'T FEED THE TROLLS.

I say this because it is true. These entities feed off of energy regardless of whether it is positive or negative--as long as they get attention. As for why they do it, psychology has a lot of reasons listed depending on the type (school of thought?) of psychology. Some peg it on childhood abuse of some sort while others chalk it up to biological defects particularly in the brain. Regardless, we can't really do anything about them since its a pathological need and change really is up to them.

But then they don't believe anything is wrong with them. They simply see everyone else as inferior to them. So what's the point of rehabilitating someone who thinks there's nothing to rehabilitate? Wasted energy and effort on a futile pursuit.

I want to use my anger to fuel myself and not them. They don't deserve any part of me because they will just waste it. They are creatures of destruction. I live to create. My world revolves around creativity.

So who deserves my energy? Let's be more constructive... fellow victims drained of energy especially those who decide to pick themselves up and only need a boost.

Why? Because there ARE victims who turn into vampires themselves (as supported by a previous paragraph). I know this for a fact since I have also caught myself almost falling into that territory myself. I'm still on constant guard against it because it is so very easy and delicious to become a bully yourself. "Revenge is sweet".

Like I said before, I don't want to bully the bully simply because I see myself as a creature of creation and not of destruction. I am not an apathetic bystander either.

Sadly, apathy is the only way to steer clear of these predators. But, I am simply not the kind of person who can stand by when I know full well the pain they can inflict on others. I may not be able to rid the world of bullies but what I can do is give a helping hand to those who choose to stand up after the desimation.

Yeah... resilient like the bamboo. Typhoons teach this value well.

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Guest ChinaDoll

I guess I'm also trying to say that, yes, I have A LOT of anger. However, I also feel like this isn't the place to share it either. I don't want unwanted individuals to harvest the energy I carefully nurtured. Forgive me. :)

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Guest ChinaDoll

I have a lot of anxiety tonight. The beginning of the evening, I wanted to claw my wrists open because I was particularly feeling useless and wanted to get rid of useless trash a.k.a. me. Lol! So I decided to scare the shit outta me instead. Spent the last few hours watching horror movies. I have to say though, it did not solve much but at least it distracted me and reassured me that I'm not ready to know what's on the other side after all. And I do hope I stay a coward in that aspect of my life for the rest of my natural life.

I still have a lot on my mind right now but I think I'll prioritize sleep. Being tired always weakens my hold on "sanity".

See ya tomorrow, guys. I'd say "sweet dreams" but I'd rather not have them. Lol

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"I dunno if you posted anything, MTS but I just hope I didn't offend you or whatever."

No you didn't. That was about me, as my deletions usually are. But it was rude of me to do that on your new thread.

"I still have a lot on my mind right now but I think I'll prioritize sleep. Being tired always weakens my hold on "sanity"."

Most people seem insane to me....

I hope you feel better after sleeping, sucks to have a restless mind. Thanks for sharing ChinaDoll.

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Guest ChinaDoll

Hello Dan. Its nice of you to reply. Thanks for taking the time.

On days that I feel stronger and more positive, I know all the things youve said to me are true. However, even when the bullying stops, the fight continues. None of my bullies are here anymore. I have cut off contact with all of them. I am supposedly in a safe place now. Or at least thats where I'm supposed to be.

You see despite the fact that those bullies are in the past, the bullied continue to fight but not the bullies anymore but this time they fight themselves.

I call her my shadow. She is the part of me that believed the bullies--that I am worthless, ugly, will never be accepted because I am different (and not in a good way).

Most days I can ignore her but some days I just cannot. I lose the fight to her and those are the times that I am consumed in misery and self-loathing.

I want so much to be rid of her but I dunno I ever will. All I know is that the worse my situation in real life gets, the harder it is to fight her.

All the same though, Dan, thank you for your words. Its comforting to know someone cares and especially because you are a stranger to me. It reminds me that the world isn't without kindness afterall.

I still continue to fight because I still dream of the time I can be enveloped in light bright enough to banish the darkness.

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Guest ChinaDoll

Thank you for the consideration, MTS. You are such a nice person. :) Know this though. I'm always ready to listen no matter where you decide to post what you need to say. :)

Yup. Sucks to have a restless mind. Yet, I find that it is very useful when directed into meaningful pursuits. I just need to find some sort of employment and soon. The longer I'm unemployed, the more I start to hate myself. Lol. I'm starting to wonder if it was a good idea to have moved to such a large city with more people to compete with.

But then again, what's done is done. I do what I can. Though it sounds more like I just complain all day. I give myself time to worry when things bother me too much. I unload so that I can carry on after.

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ChinaDoll, i agree with the others that you are not "useless trash."

You have written things here that have comforted me when i needed comfort.

If a person can comfort others when they're hurting,

then that person is the opposite of useless.

I doubt that Megan Fox has ever comforted ANYbody.

And Ann Coulter? Don't get me started.

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Guest ChinaDoll

Its true what you said. We also need to understand that sometimes people do stupid things because of the folly of youth. The tragedy behind all that is that the scars produced by those foolish acts are not something the victims can easily forget. Its called "trauma" for a reason.

This is what I'm fighting with now. The only reasons I'm ever mentioning them is because they are what started this whole disease. And that is all.

That experience though made me overly critical of myself because I had to be perfect to prove them wrong. I have proven them wrong. But the big joke of this story is that what I used as my defense against them has now turned against me. I criticize myself too much. I am learning to live with it and learning to be gentler to myself. It is not easy but I still keep doing it. There are times that I slip but I still get back up after the fall.

Getting back up is what matters most.

I am happy for you Dan that you have conquered the mental enemies implanted in your head by your bullies and are now able to walk with a chin held high. I hope they (the mental stuff) never bother you again as long as you live. Thank you for your words.

P.S.

Just as you say that bully blaming will do me no good, victim blaming will do me worse.

I choose to believe that blaming is counterproductive. I choose to work on myself. I also choose to counter bullying with kindness. Spreading my own sunshine. :)

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