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My husband and his penis


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My husband and his penis

I tried posting yesterday and nothing has posted.

I hope someone can answer some of my questions about a man’s relationship with his penis. My husband and I have not spoken about his penis, size or virility until recently.

For the past year or so, closer to two, we’ve had intercourse twice. It felt good and he said he felt we should do this more frequently. Prior to that, we had a sex life that we were both happy with.

We always had a loving sexual relationship and were satisfied with what we do, how we do it and the frequency. I haven’t turned into a witch to cause this distance. I’ve always been equal initiating sex. I’ve tried during this dry spell and he responds “Let’s not start something we can’t finish.” Or I’ll kiss him and he’ll kiss me, but not as he used to, and he will smile nicely and say “Why don’t I hold you.” That’s wonderful but I’d enjoy more. However, I don’t want to put pressure on him.

I’ve had direct conversations about his lack of interest and his answer is “I don’t know.” or “Maybe later.”

We were watching the TV together and a commercial came on about ED. He mentioned maybe he should check into that. I supported that he see a doctor.

Tic-toc-tic-toc…nothing. No appointment has been made. I asked why and he said he was embarrassed. I told him I think I understand how he feels because putting one’s legs in the stirrups at the GYN isn’t fun.

One day just out of the blue, I remembered one morning he asked if his penis felt like it was as hard as it has been. I replied no, but I’m sure if you get aroused, it will. I’ve also peeked early morning to see if he has an erection and he occasionally does. How hard I can’t say. He has mentioned he doesn’t wake up with an erection like he used to. I suggested we put it to use when he has it? Let’s work with it.

Then I recalled many years ago, he wanted to measure his penis. Do men do this? OK, we did. I don’t recall the measurement. We carried on. In full disclosure, when his penis is relaxed the tip just shows out of his pubic hair; he’s circumcised. I thought that might be what he’s embarrassed about. I don’t think he’s large, long? We are limited to certain positions or it slips out, but we get turned on, have intercourse, enjoyed ourselves and both have orgasms.

He is 6’3” and 215. All his physicals are good and no health problems. He has hobbies, friends.

We don’t have stress, I’m not trying to and I don’t think I’m pushing him about this. -- I saw how frustrated he became when I asked him to just make an appointment already, I no longer ask. No financial issues. We’ve tried vacations with the same result. The only thing I can think is his job has increasingly become more demanding. But he wakes up happy and interested in going to work. I’m looking younger than my age and I’m still fit.

Do men get embarrassed and refuse to discuss problems with size, erection and lack of interest? We never spoke about it because it has never been an issue. We were sexually happy. He initiated sex. I did. We kept it interesting. We love each other.

I don’t know what to do, but I’m not interested in joining the sexless club at 65 without trying to figure out why, what the problem is and if there is a solution. When asked to discuss his hesitancy about going to see a doctor, “I don’t know why.” is his default answer or “I will”.

What can he do? What can I do? What can we do?

His penis wasn’t an issue until it becomes an issue. Should I continue to back off, insist he see a doctor or be happy for what we had and let it go? Are men really this sensitive about their penis, when the concern/problem might be a quick fix? Am I missing something?

One would think I’d know more by now, but there hasn’t been a need to discuss something that hasn’t been an issue until now.

I hate seeing him struggling or giving up because he’s embarrassed.

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Thank you for the welcome, resolute.

Okay, let's go on the premise that men are sensitive about their penises, which is why he won't talk about it and has withdrawn. I assume that is also why he has avoided seeing a doctor.

But, how does he (we) find out what the problem is if he doesn't go to discuss this with someone? Eliminate something.

HOW have men gone to see a doctor out of necessity? How do you get yourself to go? I'm thinking the longer he avoids this the more anxious he might feel and that leads to a pattern of being too anxious to see a doctor or therapist---anyone. Is that thinking wrong or is everyone so different I can't draw conclusions like that.

Our marriage isn't based on "making" the other do something they're not interested in. We don't believe we can change another or should. Yes, we each have adjusted to accommodate each other, but that isn't to control that's because we've learned we enjoy each others interests.

This is so sad and frustrating. I wouldn't and can't force him, I've failed supporting him enough to take action. Can anyone think of how I might help him, or are we stuck in this place until or IF he can help himself? Sigh.

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Perhaps. I don't track what he does.

I need to find a way to live with this as is or-- I don't know. That's becoming clear.

For better or worse? Never thought much about how painful that might become. But it's all perspective. This is but a small part of who we each are and we can still find enjoyment in each other without sex. Just missing something we had that was wonderful and I feel is healthy too.

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@mts You made some very thoughtful suggestions. I’m seeking out thoughts I haven’t had. Thank you.


You talkin’ to me? Cuz if you talkin’ to me then THANK YOU for providing me with these new insights into the woman I haven't met. I'll have to get to know her.

I didn’t know I would be leaving my marriage because I could easily find someone to satisfy me sexually in every manner and men can sense my longing for it. ALL of it. Uh oh. I didn’t consider it’s in my nature, as a sexual being, to be vulnerable because I’m not getting…it? Now I know I’m being unfair to my husband :=( I thought we were together because I actually enjoy him as a human being and I find him interesting and sexy. We aren’t opposites and we aren’t celibate. Sexual intercourse isn’t happening and it’s not for any religious reason.

I do understand what you are trying to say. I disagree. There is more, in my experience, that sets us apart from a male friend I don’t have sex with. There are many reasons other than sexual ones.

My experience has been what is sexually alluring to men, including my husband, is a woman who has a life that she finds interesting, common interests and knows how to satisfy herself sexually but enjoys the excitement, thrill and love she feels being with the person she loves and respects. Sex is one component of a relationship. Take it away because my husband is no longer attracted to me in any fashion and it would be time to part ways. However, to still get turned on and enjoy the very thought of, not to mention actually having our bodies skin to skin, is an extraordinary feeling for both of us. I would not leave him if he became ill, physically disfigured or disabled. I would leave when his heart became cold and bitter, he thought of only his needs and if he was abusive.

The eunuch thought…extreme man.

I am frustrated, but I am concerned about why he is embarrassed and not interested in seeing a doctor.

But, I will be on the lookout for all those men who can sense my sexual needs. Gotta go and fry up some bacon.

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Welcome to the community, Jass. I apologize for the delay in approving your initial post; it seems I somehow missed it. Sorry about that.

Are you able to share openly with your husband and does he share openly with you? Maybe he would like the situation to change as well but is having difficulty taking action? Or maybe he would be willing to discuss his feelings if you both went to couples counseling? I think open discussion could be a place to start.

Klingsor, I can offer my personal thoughts. If you are asking whether a person can fall in love with someone they aren't initially physically attracted to, I would say yes. Though initial physical attraction may lead to deeper emotional feelings over time, having an emotional connection and a deepening friendship could lead to a more physical connection over time if both people involved are available and open to it. What's left if you can't have sex with a man you're in love with? Emotional connection and friendship, which to me are very valuable.

Wishing everyone well.

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Love him more he needs you more than ever. Stress causes reduction in desire and also shrinks the strength of penis. Try to be more close to him and never mention about his inability or size or anything that would disturb him more. Just play with him let him fulfil his part of intercourse and support him but don't be over exited but give him a deep feel.

If he is suffering from premature ejaculation it is curable and should consult doctor. But if you are concerned about size then please do keep lesbian in mind they don't even have anything to put in but they get their desires fulfil. The man's organ is a tool to transport necessary cells to procreate and bring off springs in your family.

I am suffering a mental torture since few years just because of someone who left me saying that I am small, I read in another forum that woman said that instead of saying your penis is small I said to my husband that my Vagina is too big for you and after that day she said they are very happy and satisfied in their life. There are many forums talk about techniques even women shared that it is not size but technique he uses, one of the women said, "mostly she likes him to move in circular motion like writing O or number eight from the hips makes her feel good".

Technology has gone far in helping the complains and I was against this earlier but I think they are doing good job by keeping loved ones together by eliminating this issue from their life. I am not trying to sell anything or not even a brand ambassador but what I would suggest to consider Hollow Strap-ons to wear on him with mutual consensus. Please do not take me negative but it is just a suggestion to help you guys be together for each other in your life.

I would suggest to reduce frequency if you are doing much and also consider the age factor because it shrinks as much used and as he gets older. But this should not be the factor to leave each other because you enjoyed much of your life together and that this is a pure bond being married as husband and wife and having kids. Also keep an eye on stress factor and demanding life style where you won't be able to achieve your life wants and get stressed. To overcome this issue I would suggest do your best and try to stay happy with whatever you blessed with because many people don't even have what you have in the world. I hope you know there are many women in this world who still remained single till they died but you have one loving and caring person in your life. Please keep health check everything that is good fro healthy heart is good for overall health including down there. Exercise is a must at least 30 minutes a day. It should be with hard weight and cardio mix keeping less time to relax between each round. There are many suggestions on the internet that he can explore along with the food that help heart health. I hope you know that doctors suggest pelvic floor exercises for women after she had baby they are equally helpful for both men and women called Kegel exercises. I hope it would be bit of help. I apologize if anything hurt your feeling.

May God keep blessing happiness in your life. Amen

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@Klingsor You wrote:

“Sex is one component of a relationship." “What are the other components and how are they different than the components that determine non-sexual relationships, i.e. friendship? Can you define them for me? What you wrote is ambiguous to me.

Please understand why I'm asking you this: I have never in my life experienced what other people call "love", and I firmly believe it's because no one has ever fell in "lust" with a hideously ugly thing like me. The phrase "falling in lust" seems to me much more accurate than "falling in love" because? People often say love at first...SIGHT. It's the physical impression of the person directly tied to their sexual viability or sexual capital. So saying you are in love with a man unable to have sex, the lust is gone in some manner. What's left? “

@Klingsor, after giving your questions some thought, you are right, there are few differences, at first. In time you learn more than what’s on the surface or what people allow others to see. I also want to answer this “..how else do you choose a mate or a date other than a reaction to a certain individual's physical presence?” Presence. That’s it. That doesn’t mean physical characteristics. But you’re probably talking about that. I personally don’t believe in love at first sight.

And, what’s left if I can’t have intercourse…so much Klingsor, so much. History-- Shared experiences-- Shared disappointments and struggles—Laughter-- Finding that person interesting and that feeling when you can’t wait to share something with only that person. Sitting down together and talking and listening because you find what each other are saying fascinating. And exploring, always exploring something new; be it sexual or something else.

The difference between my non-sexual relationships/friends and the relationship/marriage/friendship I have is sexual attraction, feeling in love vs loving a friend, not having any sexual thoughts even if I hold hands or see a friend naked—chemistry? It’s a feeling. I feel close and love this friend, enjoy their company, but I don’t feel in love or in lust.

Physical characteristics don’t play a role in a meaningful relationship, for me. But I certainly understand what you are talking about. I do know people who notice and comment on how a person looks; how unattractive she or he is, how they dress etc.…it’s judgmental and uncomfortable to be around that behavior. Some people don’t lose the “mean girl/man” thing. I imagine if you would meet one of these types, they might make anyone feel inadequate and not valued. They couldn’t and wouldn’t scratch a surface if they used a diamond tip chisel. My own peeve.

Can someone be in love and or in lust with someone who is not what society defines as physically attractive? Definitely.

Long, long ago in a faraway place called the 60’s & 70’s, I was very attracted to a man whose physical appearance I never noticed. I could not have described what his physical characteristics were if the police asked me. I was focused on and found his sense of humor very attractive. I never considered or saw his physical appearance, at first, because I really enjoyed him. Those initial traits, humor, lead us to learn more about each other and we became sexually attracted and involved. He was ordinary, maybe even considered unattractive looking by society’s definition of what is physically attractive.

I was attracted to another man who was very short, small framed and again not what society would define as “good looking” but I was fascinated and attracted to his intellect. This also opened up an opportunity to learn more about each other and we became sexually attracted.

Another man I was in lust with. His physical appearance was stunning. The sex was sex, but there was nothing more.

For me how a man feels about himself, his self-love—not cocky, his ability to laugh, how he is fascinated by and engaged in the world he is a part of, his attitude/ temperament are traits that initially attract me. Would I approach a man who is considered “ugly”? I did. I’m not interested in how pretty the package is wrapped, because that is not what’s ultimately important to the success of a relationship. I have to say, if a person only has “ugly” thoughts and spirit, I do not find that person interesting or attractive, unless there is more that’s not obvious. There usually is.

I can see that for some they feel they are physically hideously ugly by genetics or injury and they dwell on that and it penetrates their being and they become bitter and angry. I can see how this can happen and how it would create a problem connecting with others. This type of person would probably carry themselves in an unattractive way and when they opened their mouth they would probably speak with hate and disgust about life which reflects a dark energy not many would find interesting or attractive. How would others see their intellect or humor? Self-acceptance/love is missing.

I am in love with a man who at this time is not interested in intercourse. The lust is still there. His penis isn’t what I’m in love with. Vaginal penetration is not my biggest concern is. It’s the man he is that I’m in love and in lust with--thinking of him makes me smile and I still get all tingly.

Now you’re saying but I’m talking about his relationship with his penis and not having had intercourse more than twice in about 2 yrs. And I feel it’s a problem. What’s up with that, Jass?

I’m concerned because we haven’t had intercourse more than twice in about 2 yrs. because it’s a major shift or change in part of our sexual expression, and because he has expressed feeling embarrassed and this embarrassment is keeping him from discussing with a physician that he does not feel as virile as he once did. I admit I enjoyed the intercourse, but I am also enjoying him and he’s enjoying me in other sexual ways. The reason I’m concerned is the change and his hesitancy to discover or share why he is finding this difficult.

I did say I wasn’t interested in being part of the sexless at 65 club. We aren’t there yet. We have sexual relations. My concern is his attitude change and wondering if there is something seriously wrong and if not, wondering if whatever it is that’s happening/the change, will continue to affect what we do have and hi happiness will erode.

However, let me make this clear. If he continues to be the wonderful, interesting man I know, we remain in love, continue to respect each other, then I will and hopefully we can learn together to accept that change is always taking place and carry on. A challenge, yes.

The lust isn’t gone because we are still in love.

I choose to hold out hope he will share and discover what is causing his worries and insecurity.

I’ve discovered through this community that men are very sensitive about their penis. If it isn’t what they want it to be then their relationship with it is not a happy one which can affect their life in ways I never knew. It’s not what I think or feel about my husband’s penis, embarrassment and insecurity that are important, it’s how he feels.

I appreciate all the input, suggestions and things I have never given thought to. Thank you.

@Klingsor, I can actually see sitting together, talking, even listening to your angry outbursts because pushing those aside, you care enough to think and respond. You’re curious and certainly have a bright intellect. My hope is that you and others see that side of you too. My hope is you will feel in lust or in love and your anger will soften.

@behopeful -- Thank you for your thoughts and suggestions. I’m taking all of this in.

@IrmaJean -- He’s hesitant because he’s embarrassed. I saw that discussing this made him feel uncomfortable so I stopped. I’ll give it another try asking if he has seen a doctor, if porn plays any role in this but I will avoid discussing his penis. I’ll only focus on his health and happiness. He may be open to seeing a therapist for couple’s therapy.

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Jass, I'm sorry if I'm unusually thick headed. When you said you didn't want to join the sexless club at 65, did you mean you're now 65 years old? I read all your posts, maybe I missed it. Could you tell us how old your husband is?


yes john, i think she is around 65 now (because she was already a woman in the 60s and 70s), and we can assume her husband is also between 60 & 70.

@ jass, i hope you don't mind my initiative.

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  • 2 weeks later...

My husband and I saw a doctor. Actually, he had seen a doctor several months ago which gave him some preliminary information, he didn’t share this with me. He is a Neuroscience professor and noticed some other symptoms and didn’t want to concern me. When I approached him, after sharing our situation here, he shared that his testosterone levels were low and he had vision and mild cognitive changes.

He has a non-functioning pituitary adenomas, which is an abnormal, benign tissue growth that causes problems by taking up space which puts pressure on the pituitary gland. When a normal pituitary gland is sufficiently compressed by the tumor, it is unable to regulate normal hormone function, leading to a slow but progressive decline in hormone production. In men, the first effects are decreased libido and erectile dysfunction caused by decreased testosterone in the blood and many other symptoms he doesn’t have.

It’s very slow growing and early on the symptoms can be ignored or written off as something else.

He will be treated by surgically removing the tumor. His hormone levels will return to normal, and he will be routinely checked to make certain they remain in a normal range.

This can affect men and women of any age. Just an FYI, 65, 75 and over is not too old to have a very active sex life, if you are healthy; just as being unhealthy at any age, for any reason, can impact your sexual desire and function.

This doesn’t address his hesitancy to see a doctor, which was his ego, fear of a diagnosis and some unease with his flaccid penis.We also need to work together on communicating more openly.

I was intending to respond to a post Klingsor wrote but he removed it. I will say I respect your point of view, Klingsor, albeit a little one sided and incomplete, but given your age, I understand. I have two sons and I'm aware of how they thought at your age and maybe still do. And, my husband and I lived through the sexual revolution…You’re welcome! :-) We were glad to make change your generation benefits from.

I appreciate this forum and the suggestions so many offered. Thank you.

May you all find a way to resolve your current struggles and self-acceptance.

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I'm happy you have made progress, Jass. Your posts have been helpful to me. Your viewpoint reminds me of the good women I was fortunate enough to grow up around.

I suppose that "physical presence" can be misread in a sense, since there are nuances to expression; perhaps you can get to know someone and view them in a different light, and this plays into lust and love...just a theory.

I wish you and your husband all the best!

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Yeah, i agree with Guest's criticism of the sexual revolution.

I mean, it's certainly good that people are no longer stigmatized for being sexually active

(although i think we still tend to shame women who are promiscuous while celebrating promiscuous men).

The problem with the sexual revolution -- as with the free-market economy -- is that the benefits aren't equitably distributed.

Attractive sexually-experienced people are saying, "oh this is so awesome, it's so much more pleasure for everybody."

Well, no it isn't. That's a myth. There are a small number of winners and a larger number of losers.

And -- again, like the economy -- there's an elite who reap most of the benefits.

That would be the alpha males and the hot women. Yeah, the sexual revolution benefitted them big-time.

And BTW, they were having a pretty good time sexually even before the revolution; so not much has changed for them.

Meanwhile, the post-sexual-revolution culture (from pop culture to academic discussion) is now "free" to overemphasize sexuality and attractiveness. This has created a culture in which being attractive is "normal" and being sexually inactive (because of our lack of attractiveness) is depicted as a form of inadequacy.

This is "progress"??? No, i don't think so.

It's just a shifting of the shame, from one group to another.

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(i assume this was a rhetorical question.) No; oh hell no.

The sexually-secretive 1950's were not better; they simply were different. I'm not in favor of reverting to that.

What we need to move to, is a culture in which sex is a lower priority. From every vantage point.

Sex should not be a higher moral priority than: violent crime, greed and materialism, racism, religious bigotry, misogyny, homophobia, the nuclear family (sorry, liberals; that one does matter), global warming, world hunger, and war.

Sex should also not be a high priority when assessing human worth: it should not be higher than kindness, intelligence, work ethic, humility, creativity, or generosity.

Now of course we've all heard the Sexually Attractive Elite say "oh no! It totally doesn't matter more than ANY of those things! I care about ALL of that so much more than sex!" Which is a boldfaced lie and they know it.

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