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Just not happy anymore...


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Ok, I'm not sure how any of this works and not really sure where to put this. So please forgive me if I mess up a few things. Good lord, i'm on an anonymous website and i'm still nervous about opening up. I don't expect putting my feelings on here is going to fix me. I don't know, maybe it'll at least give me a little piece of mind. I know 1 thing. I can't keep going this route, I get more depressed with each passing year. I suppose I'll just start with what has depressed me the longest. My self esteem is pretty much non existent. I have acne, it's not horrible, but it's noticeable. I also have a small penis which is my more pressing problem. My first girlfriend told people I was small and it broke me inside to the point that I've only had 1 other girlfriend in 20 years. I didn't even know she told anyone till I was at one of my cousins parties a few years later and he told me. I've always been on the shy side, but when I heard that I had been laughed at about it, it broke something in me that I haven't been able to fix since. I have always had a hard time meeting women for whatever reason. Maybe it's my looks or maybe they can sense my massive insecurities. Either way, it doesn't happen for me. I used to drink pretty heavy, I guess because it helped me mask my problem. I guess as I get closer to 40, with a the prospect of having children going out the window, I've gotten more depressed. I don't even talk to or get on Facebook with my extended family back east. All I see is pics of thier families, and it makes me even more depressed that I can't get passed my anxieties to try and meet women. I just sit at home and think, why bother. Even if I was able to meet someone, I still have my small penis problem. It gets really old hearing how nice of a guy I am, I know people mean well, but it just sucks. Maybe this is stupid for putting this on a board where I don't know anyone, but I suppose I just hope at least 1 person out there understands. I'm just tired of being depressed about it.

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