Am I severely sexually messed up?

[Itscostellooo]

Sorry if this is so long I've got a lot to get of my chest.

Right now I'm a 16 year old girl and I don't know why but I'm always horny. I've been like this since I was around 6. My mums friend gave her a box of videos once and I was searching threw them to find a Barrie video probably and I found a porn video. My mother turned it off as soon as it came on but every time she was in the bath (she couldn't leave me in the house alone) I would shut my door and turn the volume down and constantly watch the video. She used to make me leave my door open because I'd watch it that much and one time she caught me (this is horrifically embarrassing) humping a teddy bear in the same way they were in the video. This wasn't the first time though, as when I was in nursery which in England is when you're round about four, there used to be this girl in my class and she kind of introduced me to it all. She told me she learnt about pussy or something and told me to go to the toilet and all I remember is we used to sneak out of class and touch each other. This happened all the way through primary school and me and my friends would dare eachother to run eachother when we were in assembly or in the classroom reading. Once I went to the toilet with my friend and she started licking me and then she bit me really hard and I started crying but when I went home I couldn't stop thinking about it. I'm not sure about the time frame of things but I'm trying to make this as simple as possible however come to think about it I did a lot of weird shit.

There was this boy who was my mums friends son and we used to go to their house a lot, me and this kid who was a year younger than me would et completely naked and he would put his dick against my hole and just rub it against me, again my mum caught us. We didn't stop though and I remember this one time he was humping me naked under the kitchen wonder where our parents were but they couldn't see us.

What I'm confused about is I have quite a few memories that are blurry to me a some parts. For example, my self proclaimed cousin or whatever was fifteen at the time I was 10 and I went to his house one day and we was in his room (he was teaching me to play on his play station) when I just remember him suggesting that we take our clothes off. I think it's pretty obvious by now I was a sexually curious child and so I did, he lay me on the floor and put a blanket over us and I remember kissing him on the mouth but I'm not sure if he ever touched me. I remember this a lot because a few days later at school we got a magazine about consent and sexual abuse and I couldn't decide wether it was a strange thing he'd done or not.

The scariest time I can think off was when I was a little younger maybe 7, and ((Come to think of it everyone I knew was creepy)) there was some guy who I used to call uncle Richard. He was maybe 30/40 and he used to be my favourite person. We used to go to his room and watch cartoons. There's a memory that is stuck in my head like it literally happened today and I remember we were cuddling on his bed and he was stroking my leg and he asked me who my favourite uncle was so I told him that it was him. I remember laying down on the bed with my legs really wide open and he told me he needed to put cream on me but I can't remember if he did, I do remember that he had his hands down his pants and was facing me and now I know he would have been jacking off but all I knew then was that my favourite 'uncle' was staring at me whilst touching his 'private parts' and then held my hand afterwards.

I think a lot of things I've just admitted too are quite strange especially considering I was under the age of ten for most of them. I'm definitely aware of masturbation, and I'm always extremely horny, I masturbate ever single day, sometimes more than twice.

The fantasies start of normal but as I'm about to cum I always end up on sites like motherless trying to find 'real rape' videos or real grope videos and I can't cum until something looks real. I can't cum to role play porn and afterwards I feel a little sick but it turns me on that j feel sick and sometimes I end up masturbating again. A couple months ago my friend had a birthday party and I think I'm quite mature for my age and I was sat with all the adults getting drunk and talkin about politics and shit and old movies and I started talking o her uncle. He was very intense and made very direct and scary eye contact with me at all time and it made me squeeze my legs together. He was kinda chubby and had a beard and honestly he looked like some kind of serial killer. I say on the counter top and he stood between my legs and told me about lots of gory horror films and how he loved them. We went outside and there was no chairs so we sat in a circle with his girlfriend, and my friends parents and I sat on his knee and he kept stroking my back. I could feel the sexual tension. But because I'm normally strange and have these fantasies I thought it was just me. He took me in the garden give me a beer and a cigarette and told me to stare into his eyes. I did, and he kept biting his lip and telling me he thought I was pretty. I knew this was real and I was kinda creeped out because there's a difference between a secret fantasy you're ashamed of and a real life situation where a 35 year old man with a girlfriend is hitting on you, a 16 year old girl at a party. I told him I was going upstairs because I was getting light headed and a little weirded out. I went into my friends room and lay on the bed. I was hoping he'd come up and when he did I got freaked out because he had actually came up. He came in her room and shut the door, (the scariest part) and sat down close to me. He told me to kiss him and I said just started at him and he grabbed my face and started making out with me. My tummy literally dropped and I wanted to kiss back but he was 35! His girlfriend and my friends were downstairs and I would regret it. He was the same age as my dad. I pulled away and he grabbed me back and started kissing me more and his fingers slowly made their way to the outside of my knickers and I felt his fingers and I knew that if he knew how wet I was, we would have ended up fucking.

I elbowed him and ran downstairs and about half an hour later after I told my friends, my other friends came downstairs and said he tried to kiss her but he didn't and that was all. I told them all what happened (minus me being wet and finding it hot) but turns out his girlfriend hears the whole thing and I nearly started crying. I broke them up, not sure if they're together now, but he wouldn't come down from upstairs and kept telling her it was bullshit and I made a move on him. He came downstairs and I pulled the cover up to my chin and he stopped walking and just stared at me with his psychopath eyes and I got so damn wet again. He looked so angry at me.

When I masturbate I think of his really big hands all over me, and what would of happened if I didn't elbow him and just let him take advantage of me.

Am I seriously fucked up? I'm really not sure what to do or anything here?

I've tried to kill myself and I've taken cocaine, ecstasy, mdma and I smoke bud without fail every day. I started college three weeks ago and I'm at severe risk of being kicked out already. I'm not sure what's wrong with me apart from the fact I hate myself and I'm very ashamed and confused. I feel like I'm sexually/emotionally fucked up and I'm not quite sure what to do, or what anyone else should do with this information.

Am I abnormal? Am I just fucking weird?

Also I've had sex with one person but apparently I was very 'bitey' and before I lost my virginity I only met him three times (over the space of two years) and I got extremely drunk because I was that nervous.

Sorry for any grammatical errors was trying to get this out as quick as possible.

[whatever]

If you can afford some psychotherapy, do it.

Also do some exercise everyday, you are going to have less time being horny and be more in control.

[TooOld4This]

I'm going to be really general in my comments, ltscostelloo,

because i'm a man in his 50's.

I want to write something supportive for you,

but you need to understand that i won't (and shouldn't) discuss your sexuality in detail.

(1) the fact that you had sexual feelings, and explored them with your peers,

does not make you bad, perverted, or a skank.

I may have missed something, but i don't think i read that you

did any sexual experimentation with anyone younger or weaker than yourself.

That leads me to:

(2) those adult men did very bad things.

THEY were the bad, dirty, perverted, skanks.

They took advantage of you, a girl who didn't understand.

They were wrong, and it wasn't your fault.

And specifically:

(3) the fact that you were sometimes feeling sexual when they did those things?

Doesn't matter.

Doesn't make you guilty, doesn't relieve them from their guilt.

They have NO RIGHT to say, "she wanted it" or "she got me going."

They were the adults, not you.

They're the ones who should have kept their distance.

Shame on them, filthy scumbags.

(i realize i'm being kind of rough on them, ltscostelloo,

but i want you to clearly understand who was bad in those situations.

It wasn't you.)

Hope this helps you to accept yourself and feel OK about your sexuality.

Your sexuality is your property, not the property of some guy.

One little bit of preaching i will do:

please don't use alcohol or illegal drugs.

You are learning the difference between right and wrong, between pleasure and victimization, and a few other issues.

You won't be able to learn the right lessons, or make decisions that are good for you,

when you're stoned.

Please don't use that stuff, at least not until you're a lot older.

[Guest ChinaDoll]

I agree with TO4T except on one point. If it was possible, better never to rely on drugs ever. That's just what I think.

I'm happy at least that you have the strength to even tell these things. I hope you feel better about yourself.