One girl's view

[Zero]

First off, I would just like to say sorry to all you men that have struggled so much with something you never had any choice over. Sexuality is important to men and woman, as is our sexual function and identity, et cetera. It is painful to feel sexually inadequate, or inadequate in any way.

However, it seems many people born with such issues cannot overcome their self-pitying attitudes. They are far too focused on their issues as an individual, and fail to realize entire communities around them that suffer from similar issues, or other issues that are or are not of the same nature but still impact them in equally negative ways.

A major key to coming to terms with ones painful feelings is to realize everyone around them is suffering from something. Your suffering is not unique or special to you. Your suffering is not greater, or impossible to understand by the rest of the world. Your suffering is the dwelling on of suffering and self pitying thoughts itself. We, as the human race, suffer. You can dwell on personal defects, imperfection, failure, ridicule, shame, et cetera, or you can overcome it. You don't have to be the best to everyone, you don't even need to be good or mediodcre to everyone. You just need to be good to yourself and the ones who treat you well, and understand the human condition doesn't just affect you.

Anyway, I'm a chick who can say I was born with issues that effected my perception of my sexuality. I have pcos, which makes me very hairy, and knocks out any chance of having nice curves because all the fat goes to my belly, regardless of weight. I weigh 125 lbs and have a nice fat paunch of a tummy and scrawny legs. My boobs are average, but boob size isn't ridiculed the way it used to be anymore.

Being hairless and curvy (waist to butt ratio) is vey defining of femininity right now... Among other things of course. And I'm far from hairless. I have hair on my feet, back, stomach, boobs, ass, etc and it is thick and visible. I pluck my feet (because the hairs are thick and black and can be seen when shaven like a 5 o clock shadow). I shave my arms. My pits and stomach and legs look like they have 5 o clock shadow when I shave. (My shadow legs prevent me from wearing shorts when I am just not in the mood for stares.) I dont even bother doing my back. (Oh the looks i get at the pool!) I only shave my arms because the comments on my arm hair became so obnoxious after so many years i finally gave in and started shaving them two years ago.

I used to hate it and be really self-pitying about it, but my actions didn't show it, I always acted like it was no big deal so I've never had relationship problems due to my hair.

I also have what people refer to as "beefy" vagina or roast beef vagina or what have you. In my mind, having roast beef vag is the female version of having a below average penis.. The female version of having a small penis or saggy balls, or whatever. If you look up forums for beefy vagina support, those woman are just as unhappy and hateful of their package as you men are of yours. However when I saw that there were others, I was like.. Heck! Am I really this pathetic over some fat labias? Like wow, way to ruin my one and only life just because of excess body hair, a fat tummy and beefy vag lips.

So I didn't. I'm 23 and I've had sex with 13 different men, some big, some small, some weirdly crooked or straight as a pin. Some with more girth and some thinner. The smallest was maybe 4 inches or so. But it had decent girth. Never did these sizes bother me. Actually I didn't consider them at all. I only payed attention to their actual skill in bed. They mostly sucked and lacked any confidence, big or small. It was usually dissapointing. Not because of size but lack of foreplay and consideration for my own pleasure. The biggest guys I was with was maybe 9 inchs or so. He was my last boyfriend of two years. He was too big to go all the way in. But again, it was just not good sex anyway.

No, I was not interested in size of the penis, but I was interested in height. Any man below 6 foot was not for me. But.... I am now engaged to my boyfriend of 4 years. We met on Facebook... We talked for months and I adored him. He was amazing in every way. You couldnt tell his height in pictures.. But he was cute and has a 6 pack. So when we met... Bam. He was 5'3... Just a bit shorter than me.

But nothing changed except my view on height. I no longer cared about height because he mattered too much to me. He mattered because he was a good person with morals and principles, aspirations, dedication.. The important stuff. His penis is average. Maybe like 5.5... Not too thick. But I don't care. We have great sex and use toys and all that.

I also have a friend, and she has a family member who's husband has a small penis. They use toys and strap ons. It's not that hard to compensate.

All that being said, my advice...

1. Your biggest issue is your attitude. Your brain is going to now think "cliche" and skip along to number two, but if you don't come to terms with your terrible, pathetic , self-pitying attitude, good luck ever being consistently happy. Really. I mean it. If you wake up tomorrow and at any point feel sorry for yourself or your penis, that's your own fault. Stop feeling sad and forgotten by god (or what have you) and just move on with what you have left of your life. Thinking your one (or maybe dozens) of defects make life pointless is incredibly closed-minded. Stop feeling like it's so unfair that you were born the way you were and will now live below par of everyone you "think" was born "normal" and with all advantages in life. Nobody is normal. The sooner you realize there are truly countless ailments, defects, and tragedies the whole entire world is suffering over in a state of assumed "aloneness" every day, the sooner you'll stop taking your issues so seriously and stop taking what you do have for granted.

2. Everyone's got issues, and there are girls with sexual/body issues very similar to your own. Go for woman on your phsyical and mental levels, who are understanding and intellectual. Look for a woman who is romantic and interested in commitments, goals, and family, education, morals, principles, career, etc.. Mature ideals. If you yourself have no good education, ambition, morals, goals, etc... At least look for someone who is understanding, and compatible with you and your experiences. Definitely look for someone who has experiences like your own, wether it be dealing with imperfection from birth, being bullied, or whatever ( of course this goes for positive, relateable experiences, too!). If they've been through it, they will understand it the way you do.

3. People can change their minds, with time. I didn't like short men but my fiance and I didn't move quickly so our love tranformed based on compatibility and common grounds, not sexuality or passion. We talked romantically and went on dates for months, but didn't have sex until two weeks AFTER officially Starting a relationship. (First time I ever did that!) To me, compatibility is the true key to a happy relationship, IMO. Passion, romance, sex, etc are contributors but are not what hold it together. If you form a strong compatible bond with someone you know may not like your package, your package may become more less important once the bond is made.

5. Start a routine towards positive thinking. There are many resources online and in books that are meant to help people change their negative thought processes, and that is HARD to do. Very hard. It has to become an every day effort of bringing new thoughts into your mind along with correlating positive actions to better instill it... And reworking and redefining current thought processes into something constructive and absent of self hate. I will add some sources if anyone is interested.

I do hope this is of some help to someone out there.

[Jessie]

thanks for the above- its well written and has made me think…

alas I'm 4 and skinny (as opposed to 'decent girth')

so Im probably that guy who would be just that bit too small for you.

and toys? … well how would you feel if your boyfriend said to you.."I'm sorry but your vag is too beefy so I'm gonna fuck this plastic doll with a small vagina- but you can watch so its ok"

(toys can cause issues for both genders for many reasons)

[Victimorthecrime]

Zero thank you for a well thought out post and for sharing your personal story.

I especially agree w your first point "We the human race suffer". It is important to remember there are people out there fighting cancer and every other sort of affliction.

Before I make my next point let me first say that I absolutely acknowledge that women have it rough in life in so many ways that have been well documented and widely publicized but that said I feel sexual relations is one area where females have a decided edge. Simply put, young men desperately want to have sex and if you got what someone wants then you have the advantage. Just plain and simple logic. In any negotiation the party w the greater desire for the object of the negotiation is at a disadvantage. If you are dying of thirst and I have water...you get the idea. Engage w me in a thought experiment: imagine you were exactly the way you described yourself but instead you were male. Do you really think 13 women would let you inside their body?

[Resolute]

Engage w me in a thought experiment: imagine you were exactly the way you described yourself but instead you were male. Do you really think 13 women would let you inside their body?

or 13 ghosts lol.

[BritKid]

This is very well written but in your paragraph 1 you are far too blunt/rude. I'm not saying it's wrong but it can really trigger some people.

Some of us are virgins. You've had sex numerous times with different people.

A fat 'labia' isn't going to make penetration less enjoyable for majority of males as a small penis can make penetration less enjoyable for females.

It's like depression. Just saying 'suck it up' sometimes does not work. We are not pathetic. We aren't the only ones with small dicks, there are millions out there. We're here to support each other because it gets tough at times. Hell I struggle to use urinals and have to wait for a cubicle. I'm 'pathetic.'

[Lukaz]

I love how you guys are so quick to dismiss any positive messages with your typical woe is me attitudes, smh. Will someone pass me my violin for the plight of these poor downtrodden men.

[TooOld4This]

Thank you, Zero, for your well-thought-out information. I hope it gets read and heeded.

For those of you posters who find no comfort in Zero's post,

i realize it's very hard to assimilate the facts when you get so many negative (and false) messages from TV, rock music, and rap music. Apparently decades ago, some scriptwriters and singers all decided that lying about their (probably imaginary) attractiveness was entertaining, when in reality it was shaming. The fashion industry made similar decisions about women's bodies, and so a lot of young women hate themselves.

It's brainwashing. It's brainwashing as much as any religious cult or anything the Kim Regime does in North Korea.

I don't know how to fight back against it. Zero is trying to enlighten us here with facts, but the facts just bounce off of guys' foreheads simply because the negative crap is everywhere in the media and it's relentless, coming at us many times a day.

I don't watch much TV or listen to much contemporary music because it's an unending barrage of "you're not good enough."

Thanks anyway, Zero. You did your part.

[Victimorthecrime]

Yeah but it is always easy to be positive and rational when a problem does not apply to you. If certain guys where 4 vs 6 inches they might be singing a different tune.

[TooOld4This]

I certainly admit that my comments on this topic are vulnerable to the accusation of "you're making too light of the problem." I suspect some posters would say that about what Zero wrote, too. And i agree that we have to validate each other's pain, or else our comments are not grounded in sympathy and compassion.

It is NOT my intention to say to those posters, "your suffering is silly" or "your suffering is an illusion." No.

All suffering is very real, very factual. The person really is suffering; and for as long as they suffer, the suffering is the most important thing in their life. I agree with that 100%. Everyone who posts their pain in this forum -- i support your right to say how much it hurts.

I do think that this is one of those topics where the pain can feel like it's based in some objective reality, just because it starts with a number, a specific measurement of length. That can make it sound like there's some indisputable scientific fact that should prevent any reasonable person from seeing hope. And i think Zero (and other women who have posted on this topic) are trying to tell us it's not like that.

Length is a number, yes. A number is a fact, yes. Inferiority, however is not a fact.

The men who have a different number than me are NOT inferior if their number is lower, or superior if their number is higher.

If i assign inferiority to either the one group or the other, then i myself am the one who's out of touch with reality.

And i think the women (and men, in fact it's mostly men) who do make value/normative judgments about a man based on his length (or a woman based on her weight or "vital statistics") are shallow and are brainwashed and are part of the problem.

[Resolute]

I certainly admit that my comments on this topic are vulnerable to the accusation of "you're making too light of the problem." I suspect some posters would say that about what Zero wrote, too. And i agree that we have to validate each other's pain, or else our comments are not grounded in sympathy and compassion.

It is NOT my intention to say to those posters, "your suffering is silly" or "your suffering is an illusion." No.

All suffering is very real, very factual. The person really is suffering; and for as long as they suffer, the suffering is the most important thing in their life. I agree with that 100%. Everyone who posts their pain in this forum -- i support your right to say how much it hurts.

i agree with the above, but disagree (somewhat) with the following, however;

I do think that this is one of those topics where the pain can feel like it's based in some objective reality, just because it starts with a number, a specific measurement of length. That can make it sound like there's some indisputable scientific fact that should prevent any reasonable person from seeing hope. And i think Zero (and other women who have posted on this topic) are trying to tell us it's not like that.

1- Length is a number, yes. A number is a fact, yes. Inferiority, however is not a fact.

The men who have a different number than me are NOT inferior if their number is lower, or superior if their number is higher.

If i assign inferiority to either the one group or the other, then i myself am the one who's out of touch with reality.

2- And i think the women (and men, in fact it's mostly men) who do make value/normative judgments about a man based on his length (or a woman based on her weight or "vital statistics") are shallow and are brainwashed and are part of the problem.

1- unfortunately, numbers and measurements do in fact indicate superiority or inferiority in their respective areas. we can't deny that a certain penis size range is preferable to women (the majority, regardless of the exact measurements), and a certain range preferable to men themselves. this is indisputable. the same applies for everything else; the ideal height for men/women, ideal frame, weight, ideal complexion, ideal hair, eye color, nose size/shape, breast size shape (in women), and so on (also wealth, status, fame, knowledge, intellect,....). a dwarf is physically inferior to a guy who's 6'2". an obese person is physically inferior to someone who has a six pack. a person with an ugly face is physically inferior to someone who's gorgeous. someone who's a genius is intellectually superior to a retarded person; and so on.

i agree that people who emphasize materialistic things are shallow and unworthy; but that doesn't mean that no weight should be given to these things.

2- i disagree that men do this more than women.

[TooOld4This]

No, that's erroneous. A dwarf is not inferior to the man who's 6'2, an overweight person is not inferior to one with a six-pack, ugly is not inferior to handsome, and a retarded adult is not inferior to a genius. One has higher STATUS than the other; that's true. But status is only a result of our human tendency to judge others and put them down, usually for very shallow reasons. So the difference in status is not a fact of life, it's a fact of human cruelty. What, should we shrug our shoulders and not pursue peace, or give up on fighting poverty, just because "oh well, that's how people are."

I want us to be better than that. And what better place to start than this forum, where we all hurt and need comfort?

[Resolute]

fighting poverty and pursuing peace and justice are commendable things. that said, you seem to have slightly misunderstood my point. i used the word "physically" superior/inferior, and "intellectually" superior/inferior. otherwise, i don't necessarily believe the dwarf to be inferior to the tall guy as a person; and so on....

[IrmaJean]

I feel the same as TooOld4This.

Ugly and handsome/beautiful are subjective words...it's difficult to perfectly define intelligence as well...Everyone has different strengths. I don't care for the words 'superior' and 'inferior' myself. I prefer to think of each of us as unique individuals without assigning categories...

I do hear you, Resolute. There are cruel people in this world. I don't dispute that. Maybe, though, listen to the positive and kind voices too?

I personally could care less about a person's genital size in one way or the other or their height in one way or the other... I care about a person's heart and soul, their mind and spirit.

I wish all of you well and hope you find the way to self-acceptance.

[Resolute]

hey! now it's "two girls' view". i'll rebuttal in the next post.

[Resolute]

I feel the same as TooOld4This.

Ugly and handsome/beautiful are subjective words...it's difficult to perfectly define intelligence as well...Everyone has different strengths. I don't care for the words 'superior' and 'inferior' myself. I prefer to think of each of us as unique individuals without assigning categories...

I do hear you, Resolute. There are cruel people in this world. I don't dispute that. Maybe, though, listen to the positive and kind voices too?

I personally could care less about a person's genital size in one way or the other or their height in one way or the other... I care about a person's heart and soul, their mind and spirit.

I wish all of you well and hope you find the way to self-acceptance.

i am decidedly a pessimistic person, i admit; but why must you always try to embellish everything? being a dwarf sucks, period. no one would choose to be a midget. no one would choose to be obese, or "subjectively" ugly, or have a small penis, and so on.

i will ask you a very difficult question (since you mentioned that you don't care about....); i hope i don't offend you; how long do you think you can stay with a husband who was a disfigured and quadriplegic dwarf? assuming your current financial situation, where you wouldn't be able to pay for everything by yourself.

again, i'm sorry for the question, but it seemed necessary.

[IrmaJean]

Same as I would with any person I was with. If I love the person, I would do everything possible to make it work until death do us part.

[TooOld4This]

I'm with IrmaJean on this one.

If my wife suddenly became ugly, she's still the same person. I married the person, not the face.

It would be "until death do us part" for me, too.

[Resolute]

i take my hat off to you guys.

[dvnJ22]

This is so full of shit, you are being judgmental, and shallow throughout this useless post.