ohsosad

02-09, I just want to say thank you for your reply and for your advice. I will do as you suggested and add the positives if there are any. I really appreciate your time and the fact that you care!! That means a lot to me. Thanks again, ohsosad

Hi 2002-2009, I really wish I knew how to leave the past behind and move on. Unfortunately, I don't know how to do that. I'm trying to find out by communication with people here at MantalHelp.net, reading self help books and talking to my therapist about it. I think it's great that you are going back to school! Good for you! I have thought about that myself quite often over the past 10 years or so. I haven't done it because I don't believe I would succeed at it. I have a lot of trouble remembering and it's so hard for me to learn new things at this point in my life. (Learning was always difficult for me, but even more so now that I am older) Actually, I haven't thought about going back to school at all recently, because I need to concentrate on getting better right now. My depression and the problems that trigger it, have to be addressed before I can even think about something like that. Writing here and reading the replies is definately helping! Reading the replies to my threads has been very thought provoking. It has gotten me thinking about a lot of things. I'm finding that communicating with people here on the site, has brought things to mind that I need to discuss in therapy. I realized that I seem to be more open here than I am in threapy. That's probablly because on here we are enonomous. (don't know if I spelled that right, lol) It would be very hard for me to sit face to face with someone and tell them these things about me. I'm thinking that I should sit down and write them out, and take it with me On Tuesday when I see my therapist. The only thing I'm unsure of right now is that I am seriously thinking about finding a new therapist. So I'm not sure if I should do this with my the one I am seeing now, or wait until I know if I will be seeing someone else. If I do change therapists, it will happen very soon. I plan to talk to the one I see now on Tuesday, about the reasons I'm considering switching to someone else. After talking to her about it, I will be able to make a decision. If anyone has any thoughts about this, I'd appreciate hearing what they are. Thanks to everyong who has read and replied to my threads! It is very much appreciated!

finding my way, My depression has been keeping me from enjoying much of anything, but typically, when my depression isn't so bad, I usually enjoy being on the computer playing a game, doing a jigsaw puzzle, emailing, or surfing. I was recently hospitalized for depression. While I was there, I attended occupational therapy. A few days a week in that group, we did woodworking. I did terrible working with stain, but I really enjoyed painting the projects I chose to work on. I love to shop, but since loosing my job, I don't have money to shop with. I enjoy reading, when I can find a book that will keep me interested. The problem with that is, I don't retain what I read. That is pretty discouriging. I really don't have any hobbies. I have not been able to find anything to do that I enjoy and doesn't cost much money. I have thought about volunteer work, but due too my arthritis, It would have to be something where I could be sitting most of the time. I will be looking into that though. That's about it, really.

Mark, Thank you for you replies. They are greatly appreciated! I am not really sure why it's hard for me to think and feel like I am justified in the way I feel. Maybe it's because I believe that all the negative things that have been said to me as a child and as an adult are true. I guess I feel like I must deserve the negetive treatment I have gotten. I don't feel like a equal to others. I've been diagonosed with Social Anxiety, chronic major depression, and as a child I did very poorly in school. I have always felt like I was stupid. My grades were terrible in school, but all my teachers passed me on the the next grade because I did my work and I tried. (this is what they told my parents) As I get older, my memory is getting worse, which isn't helping at all. To sum it all up, I feel stupid, I feel like I don't amount to anything, and think that because of these things, I don't feel worthy of respect. I know I am a good caring person, burt outside of that, I feel like I just don't measure up to others. I have talked to two different Psychiatrists about the possibility that I may have ADD. They both totally blew off the idea. They say that depression causes a lot of the same symptoms. Becuase I am depressed, they blame the symptoms on that. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I've recently lost my job and I'm currently recieving short term disability. The reason I lost the job is because it required me to be on my feet all day, and due to severe osteoarthritis in my knees and feet, I can no longer do the job. I've only worked in retail throughout my life and now that I can't do that, I'm lost. For me to work now, I would need a job where I would be sitting at least most of the day. Unfortunately, I never went to college. I have no special training of any kind outside of entry level retail work. I have looked for jobs in the past that would not require having to be on my feet all day, and most jobs I wasn't qualified for, or if I was, I went on the interview and was never called back from any of them. My problem is not just that I think negetively about myself and my capabilities. There actually is a problem. I don't know if it could be ADD, or if there could be some other problem. I just know that learning is very difficult for me and it takes me so much longer to learn things than it does other people. My learning difficulties, along with all the bullying I have experienced, has left me struggling just to get through the days, weeks, months and years. I don't believe I am just a "winer". You are right in some of the things you said in your reply. I did forget, or perhaps never learned to be "selfish". I guess that's beacuse, as I mentioned earlier, I don't feel worthy. I could try to care for myeslf instead of everyone else, but I honestly don't know what it is I need to do to take care of my needs. I don't know how or where to get the kind of help I need. This is a big part of my problem. I get frustrated when I do try, because it never seems to work out. If you have any suggestions or advice, I would really appreciate it! Thanks for your time and attention Mard!

Hello everyone, Thanks for your replies. Almost, I know the pain you are feeling. It really is sad that other people can make us feel so horrible about ourselves. I hope one day we can both get past what has been done to us. I don't know if thats possible, but I do hope and pray that it is. I am in the process of looking for a new therapist. When I find one I feel comfortable with, I will discuss this problem with her. I have only seen two therapists in the past, but they both play down what other people have done to me. Mark, I know and understand what you are saying, and I wish I could just put it in the past and move forward. The fact is, I haven't been able to do that. I have tried, but the memories and the horrible feelings keep coming back. I have a great need for someone to tell me that I didn't deserve the treatment I recieved from others, and that I have been done wrong by them. It isn't all in the past either, It still happens. (the abuse) My self esteem has been so damaged by these people that I feel that I don't have it in me to challenge them. Perhaps one problem is that it hasen't stopped. It is so hard to try to challenge the things people do and say, and when it is still happening, it makes it almost impossible. When a therapist tells me that it is in the past and I'm an adult now, I feel like they are telling me, "You are acting like a child! Stop it and grow up!". I guess I am angry because I totally believe that if I had been raised by loving and nuturing parents, and hadn't been put down by so many others throughout my life, I would be a totally different person today. These people have messed me up so badly. I can not help believing everything these people said to me are true. That is all I've heard. I was never praised for anything or told that I was capable and worthy. Instead, I was told that I'm a "good for nothing". Thats just one of the things I grew up hearing. I might sound like I'm wining here, but that is not what I am doing. I guess I'm trying to get people to understand what the affects are to someone who has been bullied all they're lives. I know there is nothing I can do to change the past. I know that only I can change what I think and feel. I just need someone to help me do these things, without constantly telling me that I am responsable, because I didn't challenge these people and just blow off all the negetive things they have said to me. I have not been able to just blow it off. If I could, I wouldn't have the problems I have today. I need help from someone who understands. Someone who will admit that I was done wrong. Someone who won't tell me, "they did the best they could with what they knew". I need to be able to talk about what I'm feeling and why I'm feeling that way, when this problem comes back again. Cause there will be times throughout my life when all these feelings come up again. I am not saying that a session with a therapist should be two people sitting there beating up on all the people who have harmed us. I'm just saying they need to at least appear to be understanding of what we are feeling and let us talk it out. If we can't talk it out as we need to, and feel like we are being understood, how can we ever get past it and move on? I know this post is pretty long so I thank anyone who takes the time to read it.

Hello Evalis, and everyone else. I'm sorry you also were treated badly as a child. It is a horrible way to grow up and yes, it does so much damage. They have so many support groups out there, I think there should be one for people who were bullied and were always affected by it. It always seem that when us survivers of bullying seek professional help for our problems, they want to just grow up and get past it. Unfortunately it is not that easy. When a person has been put down and pushed around all they're lives, how are we to just get over it and move on? I know I haven't been able to do it. I am 53 years old and have been told by nemerous therapists that I am an adult now, and I need to grow up about it. They didn't say it in those exact words, but that's what they meant. They allow us to tell what happened to us, and they they want it left in the past. They don't want o spend any amount of time discussing it. When we tell them that our partnt/parents verbally abused us, that all we hear from them is that our parents did the best the could do, knowing what they knew. I'm really pretty sick of it! We need to talk about it! We need to be heard! We need to be able to discuss it when we are troubled by what happened to us! I don't mean to ramble on about it, but this has been, and still is, a huge problem for me. I don't think the professionals understand. I don't think they have any clue as to how badly bullying and verbal abuse can affect a person through all of they're lives. They don't seem to realize that telling them one time what happened to us, does not heal all wounds. It may help at the time and maybe for a while after, but it always comes back to haunt us. (at least in my case it does) I wonder, do others feel the same way I do? Does the bullying you experienced as a child still affect you the way it does me? If it does, I would really like to hear from you. Thanks to all who take the time to read this post, and to those who reply to it. I wish you well and hope we can all find the help we need to work through the problems we are experiencing.

Hi everyone, I was just reading this thread and thought I'd reply, because I am also an adult who was bullied as a child, all the way through high school. I was slapped around, called names and put down by a number of people. Even as an adult I have had people single me out. For example, I was at a water park with my son and his girlfriend several years ago. We were in the wave pool having an enjoyable time when my sons girlfriend told me that there was a father and son behind me who were flinging dead bugs at me. I turned and looked the father in the eye. Of course he looked away and went about his business. The guy had to be 40yo, and his son, a teenager. I could not believe at my age and the father's age, that this was happening. I have been depressed all my life, my self esteem is as low as it could possibly be and I have no confidence in myself whatsoever. I believe this is the result of all the bullying I experienced through my life. I was hospitalized for depression twice within the past 3 months and am currently attending the PHP Program through the hospital I was in most recently, not to mention the other times I've been hospitalized. I have been struggeling with major depression for so many years. I know all the things the therapists tell me I need to do, like stopping the negetive thoughts, and replacing them with positive ones. Well, I am in such a bad way that I can't tell myself positive things about me, because I simply don't believe them, and would be lying to myself. I don't feel like I am equal to other people and that there is definately something wrong with me. I can't deal with people putting me down or talking behind my back. Whenever there are people around me whispering to one another, I always assume they are talking about me. As a result, I get embarassed and ashamed and just want to run away. In my mind, because of the bullying, I truly believe I am worthless. Whoever said bullies should not be punished..............must have never dealt with it themselves. It is so hurtful and can be so damaging. I know this is kind of long and I apologise for that, but reading this thread really hit a nerve. I just wanted to tell my story and hopefully make people aware of how much damage bullying can do to a person.

Yes, I have thought about applying for SSDI. I've gotten it in the past, but went off of it when I started working full time at my latest job. I already applied for short term disability through my job, so I'm not really sure how that works out with Social Security. I have a lot of questions that I need answers to. I did ask about Cobra Ins for now, and they were supposed to mail the paperwork about it. I haven't recieved it yet, but I'm hoping it comes today. My current ins ends on the 30th. So who knows what is going to happen. I am currently attending a Partial Hospitalization Program, but if I can't get the Cobra ins in place by the first, I won't be able to continue going there. I'm afraid that is going to happen, and I'll be left sitting at home all day every day. That's not good for me because I tend to start dwelling on all my problems when I have too much time on my hands. I just have to take one day at a time right now. Thanks so much for your reply and the advice. It is much appreciated!

Hi everyone. I broke up with my boyfriend of 6 years because he lost his job and wasn't even looking for another one. I could not afford to support both of us on my income. We had other problems also, but I broke it off when I did, because of the financial situation. I could not pay the bills and it was stressing me out so bad that I ended up in the hospital with a reoccurence of major depression. He's an alcoholic, which made things even worse. He didn't get mean when he drank, and he never got falling down drunk. But he did drink all day, every day. He would ask me to pick up a case of beer for him, knowing I couldn't even pay the bills. That would upset me and stress me out even more. I lost my job because I have arthritis in my knees and it has gotten much worse lately. My job duties required me to be on my feet most of the work day. I was no longer able to do that so I gave my supervisor a not from my dr saying I could only do light dury. The next day I was called to HR and told that since I can't be on my feet, I could no longer work continue in the department I was in. They then informed me that there were no other openings in the other departments, so I could apply for disability. I only have 3 weeks left of the FMLA leave. At the end of the 3 weeks, I would be unemployed. A week from now the leave runs out. I would also loose my health insurance, but I called and asked about Cobra ins. and they said they would send me a form in the mail. It will cost me, and honestlly, I won't be able to afford it, so my boys are going to have to pay it for me. They are going to do that and I am very grateful. I just hate to be a burden on them. Anyway, there is a little more information about my situation. Thank you again for your replies. They are much appreciated!

It's comforting to know that there are people out there who care. You gave some wonderful advice and I plan on using it. That cup of hot cocoa sounds really good right now. The social worker is a good idea too. I will definately look into that. I also plan to do some reading and writing as one of you suggested. I can relate about becoming the character for a while. Anything to get your mind off things, even for a short period of time is helpful. I used to write things out when I had a lot of strong negetive thoughts and feelings. It does help and I need to start doing that again. Thank you for taking the time to reply and for providing me with some very good advicd. I know you aren't doing too good yourselves right now. I really hope you are feeling better very soon. From your replies, it seems that at least you have some positive coping skills that you are using. Just the fact that you are able to think of these things and are doing them is great. It's a start, right? That is what I am going to do also. Take care and thanks again!

warning........this could be a trigger This is my first post here. I've read some of the discussions and know that I am in the right place. I have suffered from major depression for as long as I can remember. I am 53, and I remember as a child praying that I'd fall asleep and never wake up. Here I am so many years later, still doing the same thing. There has been a lot of things that have gone wrong in my life but the latest is loosing my job. This is only a month after breaking off a 6 year relationship. Needless to say, I'm quite depressed these days. I was recetly hospitalized and am now attending a partial hospitilazation program. I have been on antidepressants for the past 10 years, and in therapy, on and off since then. The off times were due to not being able to pay for it. I am in the process of applying for short term disability. Come December 30th, FMLA will be used up and I will no longer be employed, which also means I will loose my medical benefits. I will not be able to continue with my treatment or my meds cause I can't afford to pay for all of that on my own. I feel I am at a point where my life is hopeless. Like I have nothing to love for. My boys will be burdened by my situation. They don't need that and I don't want it. My problem is that my boys have begged me to tell them if I feel desperate enough again to do something drastic. I am desperate, but so are they. (obviously for different reasons) I just don't know what to do anymore. My depression is treatment resistant. I have tried everything. I've even had ECT treatments. I feel like all I can do now is to exist, as miserable as that is and just wait for the day when something happens. I have no fight left in me. I'm so tired of insurance and finances interfearing in my treatment. I guess I am here because I know what I want to do to end all of this suffering I'm dealing with, but feel stuck in this life because of my boys. I just don't know how to go on. I have no energy. I have no motivation. I don't want to go anywhere, be with anyone, or talk to anyone. My family is trying to help, but it no avail. All I do is sit around watching tv, even though it doesn't interest me, and sleep. Obviously I need help which is why I am here right now writing this. I guess I am hoping something or someone will strike a nerve or something. In another thread I read, there was talk about feeling numb. That is how I feel right now, most of the time anyway. There are times now and then when I will cry. But most of the time, I feel nothing. I don't care about anything. It was mentioned that that might not be such a bad place to be since if we aren't feeling anything, we aren't hurting. But that is not the case, not for me anyway. I do hurt..............I'm just don't have any energy to react to it. If anyone can relate, or be of any help to me at this time, I would really appreciate it. Christmas is next week, and I am going to have to spend some time with my family whether I want to or not. (which I don't) I feel like I will be such a downer to everyone. I don't want that to happen, but I just don't have it in me to even try to put on a fake smile and pretend like I'm ok. I hope I didn't say anything in this post that is not allowed. Thanks to all of you who took the time to read this.