Hello LaLa and really thank you for answering! I've been feeling way more calmed and good today than the rest of the days about this. I definitely thing something must be wrong with me, and you've related it to the OCD symptoms searching, what I hadn't. I actually think you could be sooo right, thank you! About the OCD-like symptoms: I've got an obsession with symmetry or following a pattern, but it doesn't always happen. It happens like 1 to 3 times a month and it's triggered by usually looking at something that doesn't follow that pattern and trying to fix it- then I start to notice everything that doesn't follow a pattern and I get nervous (not anxious but nervous) and feel the need to fix everything. It can last hours or the whole day. I have also thoughts of pushing my dear friends to the road when a car comes, although I don't want to, and other intrusive-thoughts-like. They come only if triggered but are very common. I don't remember if this was ocd-like symptom too but I tend to explain everything I say, even several times, in order to make myself sure that the other person has understood. People actually tell me 'I already had understood it!', or that I talk too much and over-explain. When writting it's not as clear but when talking, oh yes, it is. I also feel I have difficulty to explain myself but actually my parents and some teachers had told me that I explain myself better than a lot of students of my age. I even get nervous if I don't finish explaining, even if the other person told me they understood...I don't want they to miss any details. I've had the need to touch things, the need to touch the center of my palm for example, or if I scratch myself in one hand, I scratch the other just to make it feel the same. The need to touch things actually hasn't happened in two years or so, but the others still apply. TW: self-harm ---------------- About the need to touch things - When I see a big knife or read about self-harm I just imagine the knife on my wrists or, even without imagining, I always start feeling a physical sensation on my wrists, like they need to be touched, and I need to touch them or scratch them or even bite them - I've never self-harmed or cutted, I don't want to do it. But i've been feeling the 'need' to do it this past days too...i'm afraid of it, as I don't know why that's happening. I'm good emotionally - except with my ocd-obsession :/ But that doesn't make me want to die or harm myself. I've been feeling the physical sensation since a lot of years ago when seeing a knife, but it goes off in 10 minutes or so, and the 'need' to cut is happening only this days. The last day it lasted at least an hour. I think i'm strong enough to not to self-harm but I'm afraid some day I won't, or I will act in impulse. That fear, I have it with my intrusive-like thoughts too. I'm conscious that I would never do these, but I fear acting on impulse. I also can't see feet. If I see bare feet near me I get nervous and upset. If someone touches my feet, the same. Sometimes I need to wash my feet or if someone touches me with their feet I need to wash that area. My friend with OCD has that phobia too, and idk if it's common in OCD? However I never get anxiety, I just get upset and it's really uncomfortable, applying to all things I've said. It has not interfeered in my life strongly enough to worry. I don't know if it's getting worse or if it's just me 'wanting' it to get worse and 'faking' it because 'hey I want OCD' 'but I don't really want it'. :/ Other things: I'm 18 years old from Spain (if you read something weird and doesn't make sense, it's my English, huh) I'm FTM transgender, I'm on T since 5 months ago. My dysphoria is not severe or really a great problem, I can manage it. I'm not the most social person. I've been having problems with my self-esteem and socializing since I was little. I used to think that I was really ugly (I don't think that anymore, indeed I like my face or something.) and I still have some problems, like thinking people is talking about me -and bad- or giving up easily with socializing. I find it difficult with socializing with classmates but I have great friends and a group that shares my interests. However i'm getting better at that and I think I can manage it by myself, too. I've been suspecting that I've been emotionally abused by my mother (I don't think she actually wanted to, but...), as I remember her only shouting and getting really mad, she would always punish me keeping me away from my PC where I had all my friends at that time (I didn't have many friends at school and was happy only on internet), and I learnt not to cry in front of her because she told me not to cry or it would be worse. She didn't respect my personal space when she was mad and it was horrible. She also dismissed my feelings and if I cried she told me it was to 'manipulate' her. Every year I think that I hate her at least 10 times or more, lasting weeks. I don't think that's normal and to me sounds as emotional abuse, even if I think she doesn't know what she's been causing (lack of confidence and self-esteem, I think it relies in part on there.) I think that's all, sorry for writing too much, though, omg. And really thank you thank you thank you ;v;