Anguish

I just replied to the discussion about this on the other page, it probably hasn't shown up yet since it has to be vetted first--but it's the one signed "Patti". I would go over it again here but I am just so exhausted I can barely type...I'll just say I'm almost 56 years old, and I have NEVER gotten over the years of bullying I went thru during my childhood and adolescence. My self-esteem, which once had been high, became non-existent. I hated myself and believed everything bad I was told about myself--if you hear it enough, you start to believe it. All my parents did was tell me to ignore it (didn't work), and of course "Sticks and stones..." HA! What a lie THAT is!!! The final straw was during my teens when my "best friend" decided that if she just dumped me, she could have a shot at being popular. (The clique had already tried that on me, but I didn't fall for it.) Without her support, (and given that heartless betrayal) I totally collapsed. Within weeks I was admitted to a mental hospital--the first of many stays. No meds, no counseling, nothing has ever helped me. I still loathe myself--and I still loathe the people who ruined my life. My "best friend" hasn't spoken to me since high school--and when asked about it apparently she tells ppl it's because I refuse to be "reasonable". When was the last time she even TRIED talking to me--around 1973?! Of course my tormentors have gone merrily on their own ways. Gotten good jobs, married, had kids (some now have grandkids), looking forward to retirement...what's my reward? My self-esteem is so crushed I got fired from every job I tried (due to massive anxiety), I never married, have no children and no income except for Medicaid due to my emotional problems.... I sincerely wish I was dead.

I don't know if this helps, but a lot of people with OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder) can get "stuck" on a song like that and it seems impossible to shake it out of your head. I have OCD and it can be maddening!!! You might want to check with your therapist or psychiatrist about this? OCD can be difficult to manage but it does NOT mean you are "crazy" in any way, shape, or form. You might benefit from meds and/or therapy. Sometimes when I'm anxious it feels like my mind is racing too. Sometimes it's just anxiety (OCD is listed as an "anxiety disorder") but at other times, racing thoughts can be a sign of mania/hypomania (as in cyclothymia or bipolar disorder). Bipolar disorder usually responds really well to meds and often psychotherapy too. But it definitely does not mean you're "crazy"--it's just that your mind needs some help in getting "un-stuck"!!

Thanks so much for the kind words, everyone! Your sympathy means a lot! Probably after Christmas, my mom and I will get a new kitty. First we have to do a major rehaul of the house (have electricity thoroughly checked out, stuff like that we kept putting off!!!), get everything cleaned up, put my new bed in my room and rearrange some furniture--boring stuff, lol, but it needs doing and it'll take some time. We'll also probably spend Christmas with relatives up in North Carolina (about 250 miles away), and I would hate to have to board a new kitty for several days just after getting her. A new baby cat needs time to adjust to her new family, after all! So anyway, I expect it will be soon after Christmas--when we're back home and settled down--that we'll go to one of the local shelters and pick out a new kitty. You're right--our furbabies are truly blessings to us and I don't know how anyone manages without them!!

My Amber was a ginger cat too--over here we call them orange tabbies, but they're still ginger cats! Actually she wasn't all orange, she was part orange and part white (cream color, really). I'd say she was about half one color and half the other. But her tail was long and orange and striped--she was such a beautiful girl, she was so sweet and so funny, she always comforted me no matter how bad I felt! I found her at a local animal shelter when she was about four and a half months old--it was love at first sight. I loved her so much, I always will. She was my heart! She had the happiest disposition you ever saw--it seemed like she was always smiling, I would swear sometimes I could look at her and see her laughing! She loved life so much!! Ohhh, now I'm starting to cry. It's strange, I can't really cry about my father, I guess I'm glad he's not suffering from that horrible dementia anymore, and he lived a good long life--he was 86 when he died, and he hadn't been himself for nearly 5 years. But Amber was like a child to me, and she fought so hard to live. I really, truly thought she would beat that awful cardiomyopathy--she even amazed the specialists who were treating her. I never really believed I would lose her. When I did, it broke my heart. I still can't think about her without crying like a baby, even tho I know she didn't like seeing me sad. She wanted everybody to be happy! She was so incredibly loving and funny and sweet. She would have been 12 years old on July 4th, Independence Day--I used to tease her that all the fireworks and celebrations meant that the whole country was celebrating her birthday!! Paula, I'm so glad you found Tigger, it sounds like the two of you were meant for each other! It's wonderful that you've given him a good, loving home--how horrible that anyone would abuse a sweet kitty like that, I agree with you, if I could get my hands on the criminals who did that, I'd be sitting in jail right beside you lol! Please give him a big hug and kiss from me!! And Mscat, I'm glad you've given your puppy a good home too. I know how much comfort our furbabies can be, and they all deserve loving families. Please give her a hug and kiss too!! My mom wants us to adopt another little cat before long, I think she especially wants another little girl cat. I want one too, the house is just too quiet now, but I guess I'm scared--I don't know how I could handle losing another one that I had learned to love... I think it would just break my heart all over again. :confused: Thanks for the replies, everyone.

Hi, Ronny, you sound like a very kind person! Your little sister is very lucky to have a big brother like you! I'm sorry you had such a rough time growing up. I was fortunate to have good parents who loved me (and each other) but I too was bullied at school. (I'm a girl but it happens to us too--only more often with us it's more "psychological", name-calling etc, being left-out, than actual physical bullying). But it still hurts a lot, and it practically destroyed my self-esteem. I couldn't fight back because that was not being "lady-like". I wish, just once, I had punched out my chief tormenter--I don't care if that's ladylike or not, I bet it would have made her back off! To this day, I avoid people. I just don't trust them. The same people who tormented me in school started out as my friends. Why they turned against me, I will never know. I tried asking the ringleader about it once, and she acted like I had imagined the whole thing! (If I did, then my best friend and others are equally delusional, because they remember the same thing!!) But you're young, and you're bright. You still have a lot to look forward to. Have you thought about seeing a therapist? Therapy and/or meds might help you a lot! Good luck to you!

I'm 53, my father died on August 20 of "end-stage dementia". He had (probable) Alzheimer's, and for 5 years my mom and I were his only caregivers. It was 5 years of hell. I could see that the stress was killing my mother, so I was worried about both of them. Then last January--in the midst of all this--I discovered that my beloved cat didn't just have hyperthyroidism, as we thought, but also end-stage cardiomyopathy. In spite of all the specialists and my mom and I could do, she died right in front of me on May 6. I have no siblings, no husband and no kids, and our nearest relatives live 250 miles away. In the space of 3 months, I lost exactly half my family (my cat was my furchild). Only my mom is left, and she's 81 now-the same age that my dad first exhibited signs of Alzheimer's. I don't even feel any grief--except for my cat. Mostly I feel rage. The next person who dies will, I hope, be me. Life sucks.

I keep hearing--endlessly--about how people with BPD need to get into therapy with someone expert in DBT. I want to ask--just how is one supposed to do this?! I live in a small town, I am on SSI and Medicaid (needless to say my income is very limited), and I can only go to the local Mental Health Center--which does not offer DBT or anything like it. Not only can I not begin to afford DBT, I know of no one nearby who even is trained in it. Why do people keep telling us "you need DBT" when for so many of us, it is (a) unafforable and ( unavailable? What are we supposed to do?? I've tried every medication known to science, I've tried endless therapies, I've been hospitalized 7 or 8 times (since the age of 17, I'm now 53) and nothing has worked! And no, I have never "denied" my problems. I'm just sick of being labelled with BPD and then excoriated and demonized for having it. And basically being blamed because I don't just "get over it"--as if it's something I do for fun. I don't have any fun! I wish I was anybody but me!!! I hate life. I hate BPD. If I could take a knife and cut out my "defective personality" believe me I would. Even if it meant mutilating myself beyond repair. P.S. Re: we evil BPD's who inflict nothing but suffering on anyone unfortunate enough to be involved with us--I have terminated every relationship I could. I don't date, I don't get involved with people. So kindly quit implying that everyone with BPD scours the world looking for innocent people to "victimize"! I've been the victim of incessant bullying, name-calling and teasing during childhood which utterly destroyed any self-esteem I ever had--I do not go looking for other people to victimize. I know only too well how it feels.

Since May I've lost my beloved cat who died right in front of my eyes, and my dad from "end-stage dementia". My mom and I were his in-home caregivers for the past 5 years (my mother is now 81 and we're the only family--the others live 250 miles away). I have no siblings, no husband, no kids, I'm on SSI and Medicaid so forget telling me to try DBT (I'm dx'd--currently--with BPD and dysthymia). I cannot afford it and it isn't offered at the Mental Health Clinic, which is my only resource. I posted a long explanation before but it all got lost, so I'm not wasting any more words. Except that I hate, hate, hate BPD (and being hated for having it), and I wish I had never been born. And don't tell me I'm just experiencing grief now and that I'll feel better. I've felt this way for decades and over time it's only gotten worse. I'm sick of fighting. I'm sick of "living". I'm sick to death of being me.