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Showing results for tags 'disgusted'.
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i have a vore fetish (and also many others, yet vore could be considered my "main fetish") i started getting into it when i was 11. it started with some soft, harmless vore i saw on deviantart, then i started getting interested in more heavy stuff, like anal vore, inflation, and even scat for a while (i guilt tripped myself into never jerking off to that though, yet i still get some thoughts about it) i have never been sexually abused in my entire life, i had a relatively normal childhood, and really the only problem i have is my anxiety and depression, which has only worsened by my fetish. my parents are extremely strict and i am extremely paranoid about them finding out. i know this isnt as severe as being into cp or something, yet i still feel like my fetish extracts from my worth. sometimes i feel like i'll never be a functioning member of society because of it. i feel utterly disgusted with myself and i swear to god that i feel like ending my life everytime i masturbate. it makes me feel worthless and a waste of space, and i sometimes feel like not even trying to talk to people because i'm a sick fuck who nobody would ever date. i masturbate once a day everytime i go to sleep, its an addiction. i dont know if thats useful information but ok i dont know where i'm going with this. i just needed to vent for a bit on somewhere where i (probably) wouldnt get criticized.
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Hello, I don't know if anyone is seeing this but if so please help me. I'm a 14 year old girl from America and I masturbate about 2-4 times a day on average, watch porn, and am an overall horny person. It's basically constant like I just cannot get over the horniness. I have no memory (even a repressed one) of being molested, raped, or touched at all. Yet I feel so sexually messed up. I started masturbating when I was 4 (I didn't know what I was doing) when I was in preschool me and this other girl would sneak off to the bathroom and touch each other. I now find it really weird and perverted even though I didn't know what I was doing. My parents had to be notified about it once the teachers found out and I pretend like I don't remember it but I definitely do. It's become increasingly worse over the years too. I used to just masturbate regularly but in the year or two I've been doing it to porn. I started out on Instagram with "tame stuff" like dick pics, booty pics, etc. then it just got increasingly worse. One day I was in the bathroom doing it and I came across actual child porn. It was an adult man having sex with a child. I was repulsed yet I couldn't help but be aroused. I quickly masturbated to it to relieve myself and then reported it over and over again to make myself feel better. I still feel ashamed and like an awful pervert for even stumbling across it. I've never seen anything like that ever again thank god but I still get the yearning for more "heavy stuff" like it. I've started watching porn on Pornhub for their large selection. I find myself searching up things like "Forceful gangbang", "Kidnapping", "Real virgins", etc. but it takes me a while to get off on those. What really brought me to realize how disgusting I am is when the other day I was watching a documentary about the youngest sex offenders in America and one of them, Garrett I think is his name...raped his sister multiple times over the course of 4 years. I tried to stop myself but I couldn't and I masturbated, like always I felt the shame and disgust wash over me. It should I mean that is absolutely disgusting why would I do that??? I don't know but the fantasies don't stop there. I have constant fantasies about the worse stuff and I just hate myself for it. I feel like a disgusting pervert even thought I'm a girl and I would NEVER do any of the stuff I fantasize about. I'm also a virgin so I've never had any actual experience so I literally have no idea why I'm so messed up. If you can please help me understand why I'm like this.
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For start let me to apologize for my bad english, english is not my primary laungage. Ther is so much to say so lets start from beginig. During the war in my country we run in one village and lived there lake refuges. That was very stressful for my family, I had ill brother with asthma and expropriated granny .My father was very frustrated and few times he was physically attacked me and my brother and once even my mother but without significant consequence.I think that he was psychical molested her much more. Few times soldiers are came to our house and threatened that thay will to kick us from house. I was veary afraid during that time, but again i think about that time like hapiest in my life. Before I forget i must tell that I NEVER HURT any child and I will never do something like that I simply haven't that kind of pearson. Its all geting worst when we moved to another city. We lived there like subtenant, few months my parents havent get their salaries and I felt very worried, I had always constant fear thats something bad will happen, but luckily its haven't happen the worst, we didn't lose roof. Then again I was moved, this time in another class, that was really devastating for me. I became fat, my spien was crooked and I started to be asocial, then some kids start to teasing me, they keep tealing me that I am reatrd its all continued in middleschool.I started with my sinss when I was 14 (now I have 24), I discoverd internet and start browsing regular porno, than I was found a banner to CP. First i was looking pictures but after a while that sites are turned off. After some time I discovered p2p network and started to downloading videos when I end it with watching, I would immediately erase him from my computer, I didn't wanted to have something like that on my computer. I wouldn't feel exactly a pleasure when i watched, it was more something like mix between feer and adrenalin rush and i will always feel bad after that and when i didn't felt in temptetion i would felt like better pearson but now I know that was just a lie. I simply didn't grasp that what I was doing was so evil or hurtful to children, I know that was bad but I keep telling to myself that was just a old video recordings its all ready heppen and nowbody knows so there is no harm. Before three months I lied in bad and start thinking about my self, what kind of pearson I am and its all come to me like a flood. I was overcome with extreme guilt, shame, and anxiety. Few times I even considere a suicide, once I went up to fortress in our city and climb up on the wall, I think to myself that closer to death I will feel more alive, I was mistaken but I couldn't do that to my family especialy to my mother, we are weary close and she loves me veary much. I don't know what to do? now even after three months I feel like a garbage and monster, I don't know how I am anymore. Crazy like its seem I always saw myself like a good pearson and I still keep telling my self that deep in my heart I still I am. Now I am feeling like a imposter in my house, I don't want to that my family considerng me for a monster. I told my mother about this forum and about cases like my own and she said thats to her silly that someone want to kill yourself just for watching CP and that she never wouldn't waived me for something like that. I would really appreciated any help even that I know that I dodn't deserve, in last time I don't feel worthy of life anymore. Once again sorry for my bad english.