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Down she blows



I know this will all sound trivial and self indulgent, but I guess that's how I'm feeling at the moment.

So I have not been on here for about a week, mostly because I have been asleep alot, and also as I had been feeling sort of good.

I went to the doctors last Monday, and to the "Open Door" team at uni, and saw my tutor later in the week. So I was feeling pretty positive, had taken a lot of steps I should have a long time ago. I even went and bought a pin board and lots of coloured paper and stuff to start making my collage of achievments as I saw somebody suggest on another thread.

A week later and I'm feeling pretty low. The pinboard is still in its wrapping, I'm meant to be in a lecture right now, but due to looking horrific at the moment have not been able to convince myself to go out.

The open door team at uni were pretty unhelpful, but I have another appointment later today. The woman who will be giving me the sessions listened to me talk about my anxiety and depression for about 20 mins, and then said, almost triumphantly as if she was incredibly probing, that I didn't like myself. Well done her.

Hopefully the CBT I'm going to start with the doctors will be more successful because at the moment I feel awful. I've spent the last hour trying on every item of clothing I own in an attempt to make myself look appropriate for the outside world, but no such luck.

I've put on about 1/2 stone recently, and it won't shift. I'm short too, so it's pretty noticable. My weight has always gone up and down before, but I've been able to lose it when I've tried, but this time it just won't budge, and I can't stand seeing myself, and it makes the ordeal of being in public so much worse.

I've also been sleeping alot. Before I would go through phases of sleeping loads and then not sleeping much at all, but in the last couple of weeks my sleeping has got really regular, but I'm sleeping for ages. I go to bed at about half six in the evening, and sleep through unitl eight, or later if I don't have to be anywhere.

Had a row with my boyfrined last night, not really a row, but a falling out, and he left without speaking to me this morning. I feel really alone; he's the only person in my life on a daily basis and he won't even return my texts. He even said he doesn't know why he's with me, and I'm scared he might have meant it. If he leaves me I'll have nobody.

Well I suppose I should go back to trying to find something to wear; I've got to leave for my appointment soon, shouldn't miss that too.


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