I can’t bring myself to tell anyone if my feelings are hurt. Even today with my therapist. I know that’s irrational. Well, if I cut my feelings off and be totally in my Rational Self I could say it. But then it would be as if I were reporting my feeling from afar. My feelings wouldn’t really be there in the room, so to speak. So instead I told her that I couldn’t tell her if felt hurt.

Later in the session I did tell her about a small thing which had hurt my feelings, something she said in the session. That’s kind of like hurt with a small “h”. A start, maybe.

What I suspect – and my Rational Self agrees – is that there must be a lot of Hurt with a capital “H” in there somewhere. Old accumulated, un-dealt with hurt. A reservoir of overwhelming hurt. Not that I can feel it exactly. If I did, it feels like it would be too overwhelming. But I feel/suspect that it is there.

So – sometimes I jump in and try to help other people with hurt feelings. That’s a lot “easier”. I can jump in and try to help somebody else and try to “be there” for the other person. But nobody, no way, will ever “be there” for me. Or so it feels. Still. Despite lots and lots of contrary evidence.

Well, as I said above, I still haven’t let all the hurt out and I “won’t” let anybody in. Emotionally, you understand. Old emotional habits and defenses seem kind of locked into my nervous system. They don’t unlock easily. I go to therapy and we get there slowly. Step by step. Sometimes I lead but more often lately it’s the therapist who leads.

Hmmm…