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Porn!!!help me...im suffering


confused101709

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I really hope I can find some useful help to cope with my life shattering situation. I was to marry the absolute answer to my future happiness, 10-17-09. Now that's not going to happen. I went to residential treatment to address my substance abuse issue that I was not able to beat by myself, in May of this year. When I came home my fiancé was super verbally abusive and consistently putting yelling at me and/or saying mean things to me. I understand he is mad that I had been hiding an addiction from him for at least 6 months of our amazing 21/2 year relationship, but I only made this drastic move to be the best wife and mother possible. I really took my recovery seriously and was determined to not be one of the statistics. Both I and my fiancé are in the mental health field so I was astonished by his reaction.

I was unemployed when I returned from treatment and was on our computer consistently with employment finding. One day I came across something by accident that was earth shattering, Porn. He lied about this and said that he just looked at if after a friend sent him an email. Upon further investigation, my fiancé had been viewing this daily, and this meant morning, noon, and night. Even coming home in the middle of the afternoon from work the day after I returned from treatment to view this crap. This was not just porn, but extremely horrible short movie/film clips that were just mortifying. He had been doing this since before our relationship even began. I had a melt-down due to his severe resentment toward me with my addiction and saying that I was never to be trusted.

We started going to a therapist that specialized in both substance and sexual addictions. One night when going to bed I asked him why he was still getting things sent to his email etc. He got so angry that he dragged me out of our bed screaming pulled me by my hair and neck and threw me in the computer chair denying everything. He had gotten physical in the past, but never like this. This story is long and complicated. I was very close to his mother and told her about this. She said to stay at their home for a break while they were on vacation.

One day when I had just began my new job he called when I was going into an important meeting. He was not able to go to work and was crying and needed to talk. I told him that I could not miss this meeting and it was a very good new job. Two hours later when I got out of the meeting, I listened to my messages. He had tried to call me several times while I was in the meeting. The voice mail said , you are right, I know I should not of done those things, I love you so much, and I will do whatever it takes to get help, I’m so sorry.

By the time I could get home to talk to him, he had all of things packed in my new luggage that we were to use for our already booked trip to Hawaii. He had everything that I owned and basically kicked me out. So I am blown away, I do not understand what happened???? He said it's over...

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Hi confused

Oh dear! I feel for you and I am so sorry! This is surely painful for you!

I was in a relationship with a guy who watched a lot of porn before and was saying that it was because our relationship was unsatisfying for him... I didn't know what to do or think except that I didn't like it.

anyway. if he was violent physically or verbally with you, this surely isn't your fault in anyway! Regardless of the addiction and that you hid it from him for a bit. It is understandable! Who tells about their deep dark secrets to their lover in the first part of a relationship?

I think that the violence is his problem! He doesn't have an excuse to lash out on you! And, in all honesty, you deserve better than this! I know it's painful and you may feel like you are being rejected, but, think of it this way: you dealt with your addiction, you tried to solve problems, that is quite admirable and respectable! So, in my opinion, you deserve a better love as well! Hold your head up high! Dont' take away your own self love! There is some 'good' in this 'bad' situation.

Please write again about the development of this...

I am sending you some love as well!

T

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it is so hard right now, i feel like my entire world is over, as well as any dreams for my future...he really was my best friend and i love his family...your support means more to me than you can ever know

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I just want to add, About ANY dreams for your future:

Unfortunately, it is impossible to see what the future may hold for one. And, quite frankly, your entire world, if it revolved around him, was bound to be, well, not that super. You may think that all you can ever get is, or was this. But you are selling yourself short. The future, is much, much brighter than you think at the moment. A best friend that is verbally and physically abusive, is, well, not a best friend. And I am truly sorry.

I understand that you want to see the best in him, because of the glimpse of happiness you have with him. But in reality, these problems that he has makes him unavailable to be a partner for one. You may feel like at the moment, the losses would be greater than the gains if you leave. That you might be alone. But in reality, you can be alone. And you can and must be content alone. Seems like a difficult proposition, but it is always temporary. Truly.

Fortunately, nothing lasts forever. Whether it be happy times, or sad times. So your future and dreams are in constant movement, redefined, updated. Your future is your future. Even if you are with another person. It is always, your own personal future. It means that you owe it to yourself to design it for you only... mostly, while leaving a door open for others to join you but it is always partial. We may see great couples around us, and think, wow, they do everything together, they have found the love, etc... But we do not see what's inside. When there is great closeness and intimacy between two person, what we forget, is that these two persons are that: two persons. If their relationship works, it is that both of them make a great effort to keep their own boundaries. They do not think that the future will always be 'together'. It is surely difficult. But it's the only way. As per the other couples that seem to be so close but don't keep their own boundaries, well, it is not as great as it looks! We are alone as adults, partially, and we are also 'together'. That is the project...

peace

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