idontknow

Hi there, I have questions which may have been answered already, but I wasn't able to find anything. I have a lot of things I'd like to talk to someone about, but I don't know who I could talk to. I have insurance, but it's through my mom and I don't want my parents to think anythings wrong with me. I don't know if what I feel is what day to day life feels like, and I am just incapable to deal. I am happy a majority of my week, but then I have times where I am really sad (this is once or twice a week)...I don't think about killing myself, but I think about not being alive. I haven't shared this with anyone. I just use the excuse of being busy with homework on these days (I don't like people to see me like this). I can't seem to get my life together, either. I am 21 years old, and a student. I have changed my major 14 times...while everyone I know is graduating, and have a future...I live with my parents, have a part time job, and cant even seem to get it together. I try to read my textbooks, but I can't...I cant concentrate (I usually get frustrated and give up)...there are things I can do... like math and physical sciences, but I can't read (I'm literate, but am unable to actually read [i've only read 2 books all the way through, my entire life]). Everything I try to do, I don't care enough about to finish. The classes I've passed, I've done so just by picking up what ever a professor shows me, but I'm now at the point where I'm working on my upper division coursework, but I'm not able to just pick up the material anymore. Finally, I have trouble with sleep. It's like from from one extreme to another. Sometimes I can't stay awake (oversleeping at night and naps that last hours during the day), and other times I can't sleep (I'm thinking too much, but not in a productive way) My life is a mess. I live the life of a lazy careless person, but I don't mean my life to be meaningless. I just don't know.