setsuna

The injuries were accidental.

I am really, really sorry to be posting this. But, long story short, I've always had symptoms of trauma, and now I'm sick of wondering "why?" I want to know the truth. I remember that pretty much immediately after birth, I had to go to the ICU because the doctors saw that I was bleeding in an area where I should not have bled. Long story short, once again, after about two or three days, I was released. There was nothing wrong with me. When I was a couple of months old, I fell off a cabinet, I think it was at least 5 feet tall. I went to the emergency room again, and I got stitches. I told you all that I have symptoms of trauma. In the past, they included bed wetting, extreme sensitivity to criticism or rejection, low self esteem, and self destructive tendencies. I also had horrible nightmares as a kid. Once again, I'm really sorry for posting this since my problems seem to be so small. (For instance, I know EVERYONE gets dropped as a child.) I just want to get to the bottom of things. Is it likely that I have PTSD? PS I almost forgot, when I was younger I had an intense fear of being hugged by my dad. I was worried that he might suffocate me. When I was really really little, I had a nightmare of someone suffocating me or lying on top of me.

I am really, really sorry to be posting this. But, long story short, I've always had symptoms of trauma, and now I'm sick of wondering "why?" I want to know the truth. I remember that pretty much immediately after birth, I had to go to the ICU because the doctors saw that I was bleeding in an area where I should not have bled. Long story short, once again, after about a week, I was released. There was nothing wrong with me. When I was a couple of months old, I fell off a cabinet, I think it was at least 5 feet tall. I went to the emergency room again, and I got stitches. I told you all that I have symptoms of trauma. In the past, they included bed wetting, extreme sensitivity to criticism or rejection, low self esteem, and self destructive tendencies. I also had horrible nightmares as a kid. Once again, I'm really sorry for posting this since my problems seem to be so small. I just want to get to the bottom of things. Is it likely that I have PTSD?

This is a really odd question...but the trauma from my last three OCD episodes has made me feel really, really, unhappy. Occasionally I get outbursts of anger in which I just say whatever I want, and do whatever I want. Usually, however, I'm such a likable guy. I always look out for everyone, try to do the right things, have the right intentions in mind, etc etc etc. I'm worried that my outbursts of anger will lead me to do increasingly dangerous things. I've almost ruined several relationships if it were not for me thinking at the last second "I shouldn't do that". Is it possible to be perfectly stable all the time?

Therapy hasn't been going well. My therapist is really friendly, and she means well, but she's not a specialist in OCD. She gives a lot of common sense advice, like "try to be positive." Positive change eh? Well, on Monday I'm going to start CBT training. That's positive change!

Thanks, LaLa, for your comments! I took them into consideration.

Thanks, guys, for the help. LaLa, I have a couple of songs that I could listen to when I'm down. I also can watch some shows, play music, go for a walk, hang out with friends, etc etc etc. There's a lot of things I can do, now that I think about it.

I've been having obsessions about the past. That is to say, I've been having obsessions over the reasons for why I've been so self-destructive, why I was so afraid of my brother, why I was socially inept, all that stuff. I could only come up with theories. Nothing is certain. This uncertainty is driving me crazy. I can't do anything. I can't do schoolwork, I can't focus on conversations, I can't do ANYTHING. I just want to kill myself while my parents are sleeping. Yet I have to honor my promise to my mother, whom I promised that I wouldn't kill myself. Any advice? Tips?

I've been thinking. I was a kid who, because of Tourette, lacked even the most basic social skills, was oversensitive, and lacked the ability to take jokes or constructive criticism. My brother was just a big brother, that is, he was aggressive and dominant. So what if it was nobody's fault that I got so much damage out of our relationship? (Please see my thread about being angry at everyone except for my abusers to understand what my brother did.)

Sorry, I'm a bit rushed, as I'm working on schoolwork atm. My past is, compared to other kids, very dark and spotty. I've had two OCD-involved run-ins with the police. My compulsions drove my relationship with my brother (initially very good) into a dark spot. I've spent a year suicidal because of my obsessions. But the more I look at my past, the more I realize that there was absolutely NOTHING that could have caused my problems. There was no traumatic incident of any kind, nothing memorable. Right now, my obsession is with the past. I obsess about what could have caused my OCD, my self destructive tendencies, and so on, and my compulsions are to research the past and try to find the answers. It's not like I'll be jumping for joy when I find out that I've suffered from a traumatic incident. It's just that I can't be happy with "you were born with it". Was I born suicidal as well?

Hi Lala, I'm really sorry, but I didn't read all of your msg, as I'm currently working on schoolwork. I skimmed through it. I will read it in full later. Yeah, it is really illogical to hate my parents for that. But I don't hate them ALL the time. I love them usually, and consistently. It's just that after a long period of OCD (such as last summer, when I thought for a month that I was a child molester) that I want to take my anger out on others. And haha, it's true, I can't stay idealistic and childlike all my life. But still, I've kind of lost my innocence. Like, it's hard to explain...but on the whole, I've become a lot more bitter about this world, always expecting the worst of people, always thinking that something bad will happen. I'm not healing. I consider my OCD to be punishment for the way I acted in the past. Half of me says I deserve it, but half of me says "I don't want this anymore", you know?

When I was young, I was such an idealistic young kid. I was deeply religious, and loved my parents to death. Nowadays, I hate the very notion of a God (no offense to those who are religious) as an all-loving omnipotent spirit. I sometimes curse my parents and take my anger out on them for bringing me into this world. Mental illness has allowed me to see things in a different light. I now know what it is like to suffer for months at a time. It's not pleasant, and I wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy. Can anyone relate?

Hi IrmaJean, Thanks for the warm welcome. I've been thinking...I called a couple of hotlines about these incidents, and they said that ANYBODY would have been traumatized by them, and that ANYBODY would have been upset by them. I've also consulted some forums. On the one hand, there's the group of people who tell me that I'm being a big baby, and that things like these are just normal kid sex play. (My therapist told me that, because I already had my appointment.) On the other hand, there's the people who tell me that things like this are genuinely distressing. Who should I believe?

When I was 5 or less than 5 years old, my brother and I were taking a bath together. For reasons unknown to me, he decided to lightly jab me in the meatus of the penis with a spoon. Specifically, he tried to put some of the spoon into the slit on the penis that piss comes out from. I think the pain was great enough for me to cry. It hurt like hell. I can still remember it. Another time, we were taking a bath, again. My brother handed me a cup of "water" and told me to drink it. I drank it, and it turned out to be his urine, because it tasted DISGUSTING. (He told me it was his urine.) Luckily, I spat most of it out. Are these things serious enough for me to report to my therapist? I called a hotline about the jabbing, and they said that it was NOT okay. Please, please, PLEASE refrain from flaming me because of how small these incidents were. I've already been hounded on experienceproject for asking the same question. People on socialanxietysupport think I'm trolling...

Hi everyone. My username is Setsuna, and my real name is Setsuna. It's Japanese for "a moment/an instant." The thing is, I'm worried that my name is the only beautiful thing about me. I've had such a dark past, I feel like I've been "tainted" and that I'm a freak for having been the way I was. The things that were done to me...the things that I've done myself... I hope I enjoy my time here.