flyinghome

The people who I attacked weren't exactly my friends. In fact, they were sort of my enemies; I only feel bad because I stooped so low, and got caught up in the belief that I could change people. I am working with a therapist. But I don't see much point; it's not helping. And I often ignore the therapist's advice in order to make myself feel as bad as possible. I have this belief that I deserve to die in such a way to minimize my own happiness, while maximizing the happiness of others. I also believe that I have to sacrifice everything that makes me happy in order to make the world a better place. Now these aren't delusions of grandeur I'm having. I firmly believe that I am capable of making a significant change to the world, so as to better the human race. I just feel like, in the process, I absolutely HAVE to damage myself.

I learnt this the hard way. To be brief, I am an intensely self loathing person. I thought I would feel better about myself if I said some HORRIBLE, nasty things to other people, and become a jerk and asshole. I talked about how their dads are deadbeats who abused them, about Alzheimer's running in their family, about how they have no friends, etc etc. (I don't know if the things I said were true.) I spent a day doing that, and, to say the VERY least, I regret all of my words. Throughout the day I also blocked a number of people on Facebook, and facebook was my sole means of communication with those people. Just thought I'd share my experience. Don't make the same mistakes I made.

I have OCD, and right now I'm having extreme intrusive thoughts about little kids. Thoughts about raping or touching little kids. And I'm getting a little groinal response. This is what is happening specifically: I automatically, without even thinking, say to myself "I wonder if I'll get aroused if so and so happens to a little kid". Then I imagine something happening to a little kid. Then I feel immense guilt and shame. My next CBT session is on July 15. How can I make things easy until then? Any help is appreciated. EDIT: I posted a question like this on Experienceproject, and everyone is telling me to turn myself into the cops. This is the worst day I've had all week.

For a long while, I've been struggling with my own problems. Now that I have some clarity in my life, I want to give back. I live near Toronto, Canada. I go to Toronto every day for some treatment at a hospital. Are there any places in which I can volunteer around that area? I don't mind having to do clerical things. I just want to help. However, I'm a bit worried because I have NO experience in helping other people. I mean, I've always lent an ear to friends when they needed it, but that's about it...I'm only 17, so I can't exactly get certified to officially help others haha. Any advice is appreciated.