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ThatOne

And here we are again.

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For the last 4 years or so I've been dealing with what I've now come to realise is self hatred.

It comes and goes, and for almost 6 months now I've been just about completely free of it and I've been able to live what atleast feels like a normal life.

And oh my god things have been going up, I'm getting a new band together soon, studies are going amazingly well and for the first time in years

I've met someone I actually connect with and dare I say it might even think theres a chance for something long term.

 

Now, we went on our first date on Friday. We went out drinking, had a wonderful time. I wake up today and first thing I do is start talking with her.

We've talked all day and she went to bed about 4 hours ago. And I'm still up. At 4 in the morning. Its back again.

I dont understand why its back, things were going great and now all I can think of is how I'm going to ruin this new relationship, break the band and fuck up my studies again.

Because I know I will. I somehow always do. I can never pinpoint what I do but theres always that point where everything crumbles and I'm left alone in the rain,

feeling like the most worthless thing alive.

 

I feel incomplete. Theres so much missing. I'm not clever, I'm not handsome, I'm the opposite of well endowed and whenever someone says hi to me on the bus I freeze and look the other way because I have NO idea how to interact with strangers. If it hadnt been for this girl being persistent in asking me to go out with her I never would have.

 

I'm sitting here in my bedroom, at 4 in the morning on a Sunday, slipping between fits of crying and telling myself to get it over with. And I'm scared.

I'm actually scared. Not scared that I might do something bad, I'm way to much of a coward. I'm scared I'll make mistakes again. I'm scared I'll fuck this up and lose a chance at a wonderfull relationship. I'm scared that I'm going to wake up tomorrow and look myself in the mirror and think "I shouldnt be alive" because I hate myself for things I havent done and dont understand.

 

I cant tell her about this either! Who knows how shes going to react! She told me she has been struggling with depression, that made me hope that I could maybe finally open up about to someone that wasnt anonymous over the internet! Now the thought of it makes me sick.

I dont know what to do right now. I want to sleep but I know whats gonna happen. Fuck it I wouldnt be suprised if I woke up tomorrow to a text from her telling me it was nice and all but she's over it. Again, I'm scared. I dont know how I'm gonna handle it this time around.

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It sounds like you could be experiencing some insecurity. That happens to me sometimes too. You're taking chances and you have awareness that this leaves you vulnerable and so your inner critic becomes louder. Are you able to listen to your fears without attaching to them? It helps me to take a step back and try to observe my thoughts without immersing myself in the worries and then falling into the dark pit... This can be super challenging at first. It's scary for all us sometimes, I think. Maybe try to be inside the moments if you can? You are with someone who enjoys your company and you had a great time with her. Your studies are going well and you are starting up a new band. This is all wonderful. I hope you will allow yourself the joy.

Take care, thatone.

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7 hours ago, IrmaJean said:

It sounds like you could be experiencing some insecurity. That happens to me sometimes too. You're taking chances and you have awareness that this leaves you vulnerable and so your inner critic becomes louder. Are you able to listen to your fears without attaching to them? It helps me to take a step back and try to observe my thoughts without immersing myself in the worries and then falling into the dark pit... This can be super challenging at first. It's scary for all us sometimes, I think. Maybe try to be inside the moments if you can? You are with someone who enjoys your company and you had a great time with her. Your studies are going well and you are starting up a new band. This is all wonderful. I hope you will allow yourself the joy.

Take care, thatone.

Hi, thanks for taking the time to reply to me.

 

I've tried to look at what I feel and try to understand and figure out if I can solve it but whenever I have tried that I have again made things worse.

Something I failed to mention in the original post (Didnt think it was any point to it) is that I struggle to actually understand what I feel.

Most of the time I can only really feel negatives, whenever something good happens the most prominent thought is "Better enjoy this before its taken from you"

and not something along the lines of "Finally! This is awesome". Its always been like that. I dont look at accomplishments as something I'm proud of its something I'm waiting for people to do better and berate me about.

 

The girl I was talking about came over earlier today to say hi before going to work, I had no idea and I dont think I've felt that happy in years, that was the most pleasant surprise I've gotten in ages. And for a moment everything was awesome, now I'm back in that dark mindset again. I truly do appreciate you taking time out of YOUR life to say something to ME, I'm not very used to that.

So thanks, I'll try to look at what I'm feeling now without letting them consume me completely.

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You're welcome, thatone. 

Did someone berate you in the past? You don’t have to answer that.

I imagine it could become very discouraging to feel mostly negative feelings. Maybe when you do recognize a positive feeling, try to embrace it if you can? It may become more natural for you in time. I hope today felt more peaceful for you.

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1 minute ago, IrmaJean said:

You're welcome, thatone. 

Did someone berate you in the past? You don’t have to answer that.

I imagine it could become very discouraging to feel mostly negative feelings. Maybe when you do recognize a positive feeling, try to embrace it if you can? It may become more natural for you in time. I hope today felt more peaceful for you.

When I was younger I was bullied a lot, picked on and beaten up so yeah. Berated is the nice way of putting it.

 

Today has been the best day in years. She came over and we went out for a walk, I think we walked around for 3-4 hours just talking and getting to know eachother even more. I havent felt this good about myself before, period. She actually makes me feel good about myself. Thats a very new thing for me.

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5 minutes ago, ThatOne said:

When I was younger I was bullied a lot, picked on and beaten up so yeah. Berated is the nice way of putting it.

 

Today has been the best day in years. She came over and we went out for a walk, I think we walked around for 3-4 hours just talking and getting to know eachother even more. I havent felt this good about myself before, period. She actually makes me feel good about myself. Thats a very new thing for me.

I'm so sorry you were bullied. :( 

Great news about today! Yeah for feeling good about yourself. :) I hope things continue to go well.

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