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kth1209

hello i need some advice

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Hi, i’ve been wondering for months now if i’m bipolar and i want some questions answered and i want some advice. 

i’ve been noticing patterns in my moods for the past year or so and i’ve been previously disagnosed(by previously i mean 2 1/2 years ago) with anxiety and depression. my mental illness began to arise when my parents got a divorce when i was 11 but it didn’t get to the point where i was suicidal and self harming until about 2 years after that. i’d say for about a year a half i was severely depressed and i gained a lot of weight from stress eating. i had breakdowns 3+ times a week and self harming became weekly too. in 7th grade i started therapy and did it until beginning of 8th grade because i felt i was doing better but about 2 months later i started having hallucinations. i was constantly paranoid, it felt like someone/a demon was chasing me on the inside almost every night, whenever i’d try to sleep it felt like fingertips were constantly scratching or touching my body, and shadow figures watched me, followed me, and choked me a few times. i also had nightmares every night and i thought my cats were part of the FBI. i also had a voice in my head that constantly told me to kill myself in this terrifying time and i almost did it because of it. i had a RANDOM breakdown in the shower where i fell during it. it was a terrible time that lasted for about 5-6 months then suddenly stopped. then i did okay for a while and i felt like i was okay despite knowing i’ll never be the same. then 9th grade came and i did okay for the first few months but then soemthing with my dad happened that triggered a depressive episode that lasted for a few months. i starved myself and lost 25 pounds in less than 2 months. then i had a breakup that year in june that caused me to relapse. i barely ate, never slept, and was constantly wallowing in self pity. it was hell. anxiety ate me alive the last few months of the school year and into the summer. then the previous school year came and my anxiety was off the charts. i was constantly shaking and could never think up a slightly positive thought. i lost(she’s not dead)  my best friend last september when i was already at rock bottom. i had horrible breakdowns that lasted 3-5 hours each. i had these about every week for a few months. i also relapsed quite a few times. ever since that(and before tbh) id have short periods of time where i was constantly irritable, sometimes(but very rarely) euphoric, and i was explosive towards people. i also constantly rearrange my room during this time, eat a lot or very little, and do everything. i don’t have these too often but i’ve been noticing them a lot more within the past year or less. a few months ago the voice came back for a short period of time and i’m always on edge that it will. i’m always afraid that i will have another one of those episodes again. 

im currently feeling like my thoughts are like balls in a pinball machine and idk what’s going on. i feel like i’m going insane and for the past two+ weeks i’ve been feeling very fucking sad and i can’t enjoy anything. i just want some answers and advice. 

therapy isn’t really an option for me right now because i can’t afford it. my mom also refuses to get my prozac dosage upped even though i need it to. 

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Welcome to the community, kth.

This sounds very distressful! :( I'm wondering, are you still in school? If so, would talking to the school psychologist be a possibility? Could you speak with the doctor who prescribes your prozac about your current struggles?

Are there any activities that bring you feelings of serenity? I hope you have an opportunity to enjoy the summer.

Take care, kth. I hope you feel better.

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