(Continued)
Entry posted by CrazySorrow
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-Anyways! Over time, me growing older, I started to get the abuse. I was mainly a good kid, never did anything wrong, made good grades, always tried to help people, but with the issues at home, I was severely depressed. I started to hang with a bad crowd, and I started in with drugs with them, and I would cut myself, and started skipping school, my grades started slipping, destructive decisions, etc. Well, when I was 16, I dropped out of my traditional highschool, and signed up for an alternative school, this was where all my friends went, It was only three hours a day, and we could hang out the rest of the day. Well, I got kicked out of that school, for attendance reasons. When I got home later that night, my dad was drunk, extremely drunk, and the school had called him earlier that day. He made me sit in the corner in his room for hours, where I went through a lot of psychical and mental abuse. (Thing with my dad, he was always negative, never had something good to say.)And every 5 minutes he would get up and beat me. Well, the next morning, he was gone, and I called my mom, and told her she needed to come get me right then, and I packed my clothes and left the house, incase he came back, and I sat and waited for her at a mcdonalds. I was covered in bruises, head to toe, purple and black. When we got back to my mothers, she striped me down and took pictures of my body, to take to court. Well, to this day, my dad still denies that ever happened, and I've made that up, and I guess that easy for him to say, because I didn't want to press charges, when we developed the pictures, I made my mom give them to me, and I ripped all of them up, except for one, which I still have. Forgive, but don't forget, right? I can say though, after that, my dad never touched me again, except for maybe twice in heated arguments, but he's older know and his health has gone wayyy downhill, he's dying, and I'm older and stronger. I don't like to think this is the reason though, I like to think it's because he's changed. Its funny, I use to hate him so bad, I wanted to kill him, but now I love him more than anybody on this earth, even my husband. He's still a negative asshole, but I still love him.
I like to think I've accepted my past, but I don't know if I really have, because I have issues, and I don't know why there here.
-My issues...
Lets see, I think the largest is acceptance. I don't know if I can accept myself. I have self-esteem and confidence issues. I'm always so negative, mostly on myself. I don't want to be though. I tend to say I'm the most optimistic pessimist you'll ever meet. My friend agrees, because it's kind of true. I'm so negative with myself but I always try to look on the brighter side of situations. I don't even know who I am.
I can't hold a job, because I feel inferior. Like I melt into a worm, that's lower than everyone else and is not worthy. Sometimes I feel like I'm not worthy to breathe. I have real bad anxiety and paranoid tendencies. I can't go to crowded places, I can't be in a group with more than three people, or it's like I fold up inside myself in the corner, I don't speak, feels like I can't breathe, like I don't/shouldn't exist, I feel like no one can understand me, and that I'm burden on everyone I love. I think people judge me, badly, when I do try to be myself. I watch everyone else, and I really want to be a part of all the fun and activities, but I'm so uncomfortable trying, that I can't. I know I'm not a bad person, and I have strong morals, I won't do what I think is wrong, and I'd rather hurt myself a thousand times over before hurting anyone else, but I feel like I'm not good enough, I feel like I'll never amount to anything. Which actually was one of the negative things my dad always told me.
I have a fear of going to doctors and institutions, it took me 2 years to take my GED test, when it was only 5 hrs. The same with my driver licenses, and even still I have a fear of driving. So I consider myself immobile for the most part. If I need to go somewhere, I can drive myself ONLY if the traffic isn't too bad, but thats last resort, I mainly have my husband drive me, or ifs at work, I'll call my friend, or brother, or even my dad. I recently just applied and was accepted into college, finally, I've been saying it for the last several years, and I've applied before, but I couldn't force myself to go to orientation. Now I'm waiting for my orientation letter, and I'm looking for another, and I'm going to try real hard not to run from this one. (crying again) I'm really trying, and its so hard to try and get out into the world, but I thought I was doing good, I didn't tell anyone at first, and I kept progressing, but then I told my dad, and he said "How the hell do you think you could that?" and I told my brother and he said "Yeah, I doubt you will, honestly." and yesterday I had an suicidal episode. They tend to happen when all my issues come out at once and I feel frozen, and alone, and really horrible, like I don't want to live. Sometimes they happen randomly, I could be extremely happy, and the bam! just like that I'm feeling that. (My emotions always goes to the extreme.) Or they can be brought on by excessive negativity. Now I feel back down again. It's so easy for me to give up, and I think I have again. I keep telling myself I won't, but this morning, I didn't get up for my job fair. And I think I've lost this battle again..
I just want to live life, I'm tried of feeling like I don't matter and I shouldn't exist.
I just want to live life.
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