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(Continued)


CrazySorrow

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-Anyways! Over time, me growing older, I started to get the abuse. I was mainly a good kid, never did anything wrong, made good grades, always tried to help people, but with the issues at home, I was severely depressed. I started to hang with a bad crowd, and I started in with drugs with them, and I would cut myself, and started skipping school, my grades started slipping, destructive decisions, etc. Well, when I was 16, I dropped out of my traditional highschool, and signed up for an alternative school, this was where all my friends went, It was only three hours a day, and we could hang out the rest of the day. Well, I got kicked out of that school, for attendance reasons. When I got home later that night, my dad was drunk, extremely drunk, and the school had called him earlier that day. He made me sit in the corner in his room for hours, where I went through a lot of psychical and mental abuse. (Thing with my dad, he was always negative, never had something good to say.)And every 5 minutes he would get up and beat me. Well, the next morning, he was gone, and I called my mom, and told her she needed to come get me right then, and I packed my clothes and left the house, incase he came back, and I sat and waited for her at a mcdonalds. I was covered in bruises, head to toe, purple and black. When we got back to my mothers, she striped me down and took pictures of my body, to take to court. Well, to this day, my dad still denies that ever happened, and I've made that up, and I guess that easy for him to say, because I didn't want to press charges, when we developed the pictures, I made my mom give them to me, and I ripped all of them up, except for one, which I still have. Forgive, but don't forget, right? I can say though, after that, my dad never touched me again, except for maybe twice in heated arguments, but he's older know and his health has gone wayyy downhill, he's dying, and I'm older and stronger. I don't like to think this is the reason though, I like to think it's because he's changed. Its funny, I use to hate him so bad, I wanted to kill him, but now I love him more than anybody on this earth, even my husband. He's still a negative asshole, but I still love him.

I like to think I've accepted my past, but I don't know if I really have, because I have issues, and I don't know why there here.

-My issues...

Lets see, I think the largest is acceptance. I don't know if I can accept myself. I have self-esteem and confidence issues. I'm always so negative, mostly on myself. I don't want to be though. I tend to say I'm the most optimistic pessimist you'll ever meet. My friend agrees, because it's kind of true. I'm so negative with myself but I always try to look on the brighter side of situations. I don't even know who I am.

I can't hold a job, because I feel inferior. Like I melt into a worm, that's lower than everyone else and is not worthy. Sometimes I feel like I'm not worthy to breathe. I have real bad anxiety and paranoid tendencies. I can't go to crowded places, I can't be in a group with more than three people, or it's like I fold up inside myself in the corner, I don't speak, feels like I can't breathe, like I don't/shouldn't exist, I feel like no one can understand me, and that I'm burden on everyone I love. I think people judge me, badly, when I do try to be myself. I watch everyone else, and I really want to be a part of all the fun and activities, but I'm so uncomfortable trying, that I can't. I know I'm not a bad person, and I have strong morals, I won't do what I think is wrong, and I'd rather hurt myself a thousand times over before hurting anyone else, but I feel like I'm not good enough, I feel like I'll never amount to anything. Which actually was one of the negative things my dad always told me.

I have a fear of going to doctors and institutions, it took me 2 years to take my GED test, when it was only 5 hrs. The same with my driver licenses, and even still I have a fear of driving. So I consider myself immobile for the most part. If I need to go somewhere, I can drive myself ONLY if the traffic isn't too bad, but thats last resort, I mainly have my husband drive me, or ifs at work, I'll call my friend, or brother, or even my dad. I recently just applied and was accepted into college, finally, I've been saying it for the last several years, and I've applied before, but I couldn't force myself to go to orientation. Now I'm waiting for my orientation letter, and I'm looking for another, and I'm going to try real hard not to run from this one. (crying again) I'm really trying, and its so hard to try and get out into the world, but I thought I was doing good, I didn't tell anyone at first, and I kept progressing, but then I told my dad, and he said "How the hell do you think you could that?" and I told my brother and he said "Yeah, I doubt you will, honestly." and yesterday I had an suicidal episode. They tend to happen when all my issues come out at once and I feel frozen, and alone, and really horrible, like I don't want to live. Sometimes they happen randomly, I could be extremely happy, and the bam! just like that I'm feeling that. (My emotions always goes to the extreme.) Or they can be brought on by excessive negativity. Now I feel back down again. It's so easy for me to give up, and I think I have again. I keep telling myself I won't, but this morning, I didn't get up for my job fair. And I think I've lost this battle again..

I just want to live life, I'm tried of feeling like I don't matter and I shouldn't exist.

I just want to live life.

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Wow, I am sorry for all the crap you have been through. You have a very hard life.

I am unsure what to say other than if you need someone to talk to I am happy to do so.

Do you talk to your husband about this? Does he understand?

My partner has similar issues in some ways to you. For her love and acceptance was a big key in improving. At least I think so. She has low self esteem even in the face of facts that prove she is quite capable. You eed to try to understand it is irrational and look at things from the perspective of someone else. That could help you somewhat.

Waiting

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Thank you for your support, its appreciated (=

As for my husband, he doesn't understand, and when we've talked about it before, it ends bad, making him feel bad because he can't understand. Now it turns into fights, and I go into a rage... non violent most of the time, if there is any harm inflicted, it's on towards myself. He tells me I need help, he's threatened to leave me before, though I think we're through that stage now, mainly it's ignored, unless I do inflict self-harm. Then he threatens to call 911, or take me to a hospital. It never happens though, my rage turns into extreme sadness and he doesn't know what to do. I am very emotionally unstable.

He tells me that too, that things aren't always as bad as I see them. But I'm really paranoid, and I ALWAYS think negative towards myself. Even when I try, I just get down, I can't succeed.

Thank you for your time, it means a lot.

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You are very welcome :D

If your husband doesn't understand then unfortunately you will need to go elsewhere for understanding. I am happy to help as I can.

I understand why you would get upset. He basically blames you and that feeds your low self esteem and makes you feel he does not love you.

My ex never understood either.

Maybe you can find some support groups in your area or counselors?

Low self esteem is hard to get past and from what I can tell you have a lot of people around you reinforcing that.

I am tempted to tell you to stay away from your brother and father to a degree as they put you down. I hope your husband is better there. You need people telling you good things about you. I know you think you will never think good things about yourself, but I believe you will. It takes time understanding and love.

Another approach is thinking about other people (this will sound bad) who are less intelligent, creative, attractive etc than you.

From my limited exposure to you, I know you are kind and intelligent.

Waiting

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I don't think I could be in a support group. I have extreme social anxiety. Even here, on forums, if their too active, I can't reply. I freeze and every thought escapes my head. It never use to be this bad, but I guess I've withdrawn myself from the world so long, it just kind of took over. I hope one day, and I will try, to overcome it.

And I wish I could cut lose the negativity in my life. But my dad, brother, and husband are all I've got. Their everything. I talk with my husband, instead of in detail, I'll say I'm feeling down, and he will try and cheer me up. So that's good. (=

I also have a friend that's there for me no matter what, but she has her issues too, and sometimes I can't talk about things with her, because I feel selfish. I never want to be selfish, especially towards those I love.

About thinking bad about others, I try not too. Sometimes I will slip if someone is being annoying or something, but then I feel really guilty. I will only harbor negative thoughts towards someone I truly dislike.

Thank you for your compliments (= You seem very kind, and willing to help. Thats awesome ^.^

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Well I am willing to help you as much as I can.

I am glad your husband does try to cheer you up. That is good.

I want you to promise me something. I want you to be selfish in the sense I always want you to talk to me about anything you wish to. I want you to vent or whatever you feel is important. I want you to do this because you are important. In fact you are the most important person in your world no matter what you think. You deserve to be happy.

I am a very honest person and please know that if I compliment you it will be my honest opinion. I am in my 40s and I have worked with lots of people. I have interviewed at least 100 people and I am a pretty good judge of people and so I generally know what I am talking about here, but I only have what you tell me to work with.

As I said you are kind and intelligent, I know that already. I have also learned you are very considerate. These are very important characteristics that many people lack or at least are far inferior to you.

Waiting

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I don't want to burden or bother you, If I every do, please let me know, and I'll cool it.

I'm thankful for you're honesty, and I'm willingly opening up. Thats a big step for me, I think. I always feel like everyone is judging me.

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I am glad you feel more comfortable talking to me and if you overwhelm me I will certainly let you know, but don't worry about it - leave it to me.

You will find I will never judge you, and I like to help people :)

And you are as worthy as anyone. :)

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Wow, it's amazing what you've been through and survived! Thanks for sharing, seriously. I really liked what you said about being an “optimistic pessimist”. I have used the same term for myself before, heh. I mean I like to be optimistic and I am always trying to make others feel good about themselves and seeing the bright side to things but I am so hard on myself much of the time. I am trying to change that and it is tough because it is a problem that has been with me for a long long time now.

You also mentioned “I feel like no one can understand me” and I can relate to that too. Just being understood was the most important thing to me and no one around me could do that even tho they all gave their best effort. It wasn't until I finally started seeing a therapist a few months ago that I found someone who finally listened and UNDERSTOOD. It's helped me tremendously but it took me 8 years to take that step.

I agree with Waiting, you're important, you're special. Hey, you're you and no one else can be you. You're a survivor and with all that you've been through that is saying something. Just take things one day at a time as I am sure you do. I don't mind helping you out in whatever way I can too so don't be shy. =D

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Thank you both, it's really kind and sometimes thats all someone needs. (=

I'm already feeling better about this site, and it's because people like you (=

If you would like, we could carry on more in private messages?

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I am glad this is helping. Feeling you can be understood as opposed to simply being judged is a very powerful thing.

I am fine with personal messages if that is what you wish. I do suggest that you also keep posting on public forums though as the more the merrier.

Waiting

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