I've noticed that I am ok as long as I am busy. So it should be no surprise that weekends are the toughest for me, then. Still, it's raw, unabridged pain. I don't know wtf my problem is. Meds seemed to be helping but not so sure anymore.

At least I have a trip to look forward to. Then I will see my partner from whom I have been separated for over a year now. Shit no wonder I am hurting. But it isn't the separation that hurts so much as the memories that have been trickling in through my dreams since seroquel helped me to sleep again. That said, my partner did provide a stabilizing influence that kept me balanced without the use of meds. On my own I go back into self destructive mode.

I'm scared. I don't know how much longer I can hold on. I feel like a stranded hiker trying not to succumb to the cold. Well I guess after the journey to visit my partner things will be more clear.