Well I thought I should post something here to get this started.

I'm new to blogging so don't know what exactly people use them for, but I guess this will be a place I will write my musings on anything that is on my mind, and write about my situation and it's progression. I may also use it to write down some goals or targets for myself in a bid to improve my mental health, and anyone who reads should feel free to offer any suggestions they have. I like to think I'm always open to new ideas, although that's most probably not the case, maybe some good suggestions will open my mind, we'll see if anyone bothers to read I suppose.

I guess this is a kind of diary then, so if the past is a guide to the future I probably won't keep it up, but I'll try as posting on the forums has already helped me organise my thoughts a little, and I need to do something right now.

Well, tomorrow is my first day back at uni after the break. I was meant to be in last week to do exams but never made it, I panicked and so missed the first, and didn't even get out of the house for the second on thursday.

In college I had arrangments made so that I took exams in a room with at most 3 or 4 other people because I get extremely anxious in crowds, especially of people my own age, or teenagers. However I failed to make the same arrangments at uni, not sure if I thought I could handle it this time, or if I was just too worried to approach the relevant staff, but I didn't. And now I have to explain that I missed the exams, and why, and I'm worried they (the uni) are going to think I'm making it up as an excuse, and as a way of securing lenient treatment.

There is little documentaition of my depression and anxiety. I went to the doctors a while after it all began, when I was about 13. I was signed off school at 15 and given tutoring, and prescribed propananol, temazepam and citalopram at different times, but nothing in the last 3 or 4 years. I found medication didn't really help, and I took a number of overdoses so decided it was better to stay off them.

I did have counselling at college, but I don't know if they will/can provide evidence for uni...?

I guess I just have bite the bullet and go to the doctors here with whom I just registered and hope they don't think I'm exagerating, or don't really have a problem.

Also, with a new term comes a new timetable, and that means going into parts of the campus I've never been in before. This is something else which scares me. I terrified of getting lost and being late. I can never enter a room or appointment if I'm late.

So tomorrow's a big day for me. I have really enjoyed the holidays, probably for the wrong reasons. I have just been sitting around my flat, doing very little andeating too much without worrying about having places to go, or having to interact with people, but that luxury is now over and it's back to the real, scary, world. I just hope I make it in to my lectures. That's step one, and for now that's enough for me to be happy to acheive.