I don't know how to say exactly what I want to say but because I've committed to being honest over the internet due to "anonamity" I want to ask how you did it. Your blogs are inspirational but I completely understand everything your saying because I've lived it, the only difference is I'm probably about 10 years your jrn and can't comprehend how you got the strenght?

Where do you pull strength from when there is no wear to pull it from? Did the intervention of other people help or was it just the catalyst you needed?

I'm sorry if I'm blunt or offensive by asking you that, it is just something I am curious about because I couldn't imagine ever being in any other place then where I am right now (as horrable as it is).

ABC,

I think the first thing I want to say is that I'm not in any way "better than you". Ten years older, maybe, but from what you've written in your blog, you've had much worse happen to you than I ever did. I've also spent considerable time in therapy, and so on.

As a result, I'm not going to be able to tell you where you can pull strength from; all I can do is describe (in hindsight) how I seem to have changed over the past year.

A year ago December 30th, I put myself into the hospital because I sincerely thought the alternative was suicide. And honestly, other than giving me a safe (in some ways) place to rest, it didn't do much for me. I still fantasized about suicide after I got out, I still fought with my wife, and separated and got back together. I could never seem to avoid the arguments, no matter how hard I tried.

Then, some time in the Fall (Sept./Oct.) of last year, I don't know how, I began to realize that what was tangling me up in arguments was that I expected eventually to convince my wife that her behavior was unreasonable. Of course, that's what she was trying to convince me, at the same time. Once I realized that I never would convince her, suddenly I was free (okay, free-er). I joined this site shortly afterwards (googled "mental help"), and with support from people here, began to move towards separating from my wife. I got stuck in December, and it took me reaching out to my birth family to get me moving again. On one hand, if I hadn't reached out, they wouldn't have even known I was in trouble. On the other, I don't think I could have freed myself without their support.

I understand that your situation is different. I can also see you telling yourself a lot of negative things, even more than I do! :-) But despite all your protest about "not feeling", you seem to be aware of some other possibilities, otherwise you wouldn't even be asking about them.

So, if I were you, I wouldn't try to find all the strength at once, up front. I certainly didn't wake up one day, suddenly stronger. But, there are lots of little things you can do. For me, it has been hard to get myself back into the habit of taking care of myself properly: showering every day, eating regularly, getting outside even when I don't have to, and so on. And doing those things helps you feel stronger.

Another thought is, if you're comfortable with the idea, try posting into the Forums. The blog area is sort of quiet; many people don't read them. You might find more responses, from people with experiences more similar to yours, with an open post.

Take care of yourself, and keep in touch.