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Barely Hanging Together



Well, originally I had planned to rent a car and drive to a motel which is some distance away, but cheaper. I made reservations for both. Then, after work, the car rental company picked me up and took me to their office. Unfortunately, after a long and complicated story, it turned out that I could not rent the car, after all. So they dropped me back at work. Luckily, I found a co-worker who gave me a ride to the motel. I didn't sleep very well, and then had to take an expensive taxi to work this morning. I have a hotel for tonight, more expensive but close to public transport, so at least I'm still surviving.

But I'm frustrated and drained. Everywhere I turn, there are obstacles, and I have no reserves. I swore at a co-worker who said something sarcastic to me. Ideas drift through my head, like emptying the bank account and just running off somewhere. I've even had hints of the old suicidal fantasies, though I haven't let myself dwell on them like I used to. I talked to my brother on the phone, and I have arranged to talk to my dad once I get to the hotel, but I'm still lonely. I've told quite a few people at work about what's been going on, but most of them are just acquaintances, rather than friends.

I don't really have time to just hold it together and rest; I have to keep moving forward. I feel like an exhausted hurdler who isn't even trying to jump the gates, any more.


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