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Desensitization


malign

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If you tap on the sensitive eyestalks of a snail, it will withdraw them reflexively to protect itself from pain. But if you keep doing it long enough, it gradually stops withdrawing. Now, one way to look at this is that the snail has become accustomed to being treated abusively; in other words, to see it as a maladaptation to cruelty. On the other hand, you can look at it as the snail deciding that even if life hurts, you can't hide; better to see it coming.

I need to make sure that I keep my "feelers" (literally) extended. I've tended to withdraw a bit lately, partly because the soul-threatening emergency has waned. But also because it's hard to respond so pompously to others' posts if you're openly posting your own, all the time. That, of course, is one of the reasons that I need to start posting again.

I'm also reluctant to share too openly, partly because my feelings are so up-and-down that I might frighten someone unintentionally if I post a passing negative thought. And since I can't post every thought, there's no way for them to judge just how bad things are, overall.

But not only that. There's a tendency not to get simple, non-emergency, things (like my taxes) done. Some of that is lack of self-esteem, exacerbated by spending a lot of my time in an empty apartment. Well, not empty, exactly: it has me in it. But you know what I mean.

Anyway, none of this is life-threatening (for the sake of my worriers), but I need to look at it. In a way, my blog is a sort of to-do list, if you look at it a certain way (it helps to squint.) Sometimes, I can see clearly enough when I'm writing to know there's something specific that needs doing; sometimes not. Either way, it helps me to throw this stuff out there and see how it lands. Think of it as pixie-sticks for life.

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